AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Early 80s
his mum has been quite poorly recently and has had surgery following a couple of falls

So presumptuous. Did he think that she'd meekly slot herself into the house and start paying when he presented his lordly fait accompli?

Scales have definitely been shed from the eyes here

Seems so clear when you read it in black and white

I am happy to be single, it’s about time I put myself at the top of the tree.

Getting your adult DC to have a choice on decorating decisions on his spare rooms was pure manipulation on his part, to box you in and feel obligated to move in with him.
He is acting perplexed now to try to make you feel confused and he mentioned having a lodger to railroad you into moving in with him in a panic. He doesn't think you’re bright enough to see through him nor realise he revealed his motives for trying to get you to move in as he needs someone else’s money to subsidise his and his parents outgoings. His parents might be selling up and giving him a lump sum towards the house too.
He is only interested in acquiring your money and possibly his parent’s money to afford himself a big house. He wants you to feel isolated from friends and family so he can manipulate you out of money and trap you. His mask has slipped because his goal is near completion but once you had moved in he would reveal his true self until you’re trapped in another unhappy relationship. You would have to fight to leave and come away with any lump sum you had invested into his home.
You are going to be so happy single living free from his manipulation and working on renovating your house with a clear goal of selling it and finding a smaller home with less mortgage.

Cheeky fucker can get a lodger.

Amen.
I see a future of looking after someone else's parents, cleaning someone else's (large) house, losing all your hard-won independence, and being worse off for it. Also, when your kids come to stay, how welcome will they be compared to how welcome they are at your place.

Because he's asked her to move in, she hasn't asked him.

His parents are going to need a lot of care.
The CF.

He met you whilst you were going through your divorce and vulnerable, he knew you were likely to get a lump sum at sum point. He tried to make you feel bad because you were skint and couldn’t go on holiday with him. I bet when you did buy your house he knew you were sad you couldn’t offer your adult DC a bedroom each for when they visited you and so he dangled a carrot in front of you.
A house roomy enough for your DC for when and if they come to stay, he even got them feeling they had input in decorating said rooms. He got you to stop renovating your own house to halt your progress and help him with his house. Then and only then once he’s 8 weeks away from moving in there he lets you know how much he expects to you to pay! He had it all planned out as soon as he bought it and is rubbing his hands thinking you will sell up and he can get his hands on your money, your security.
I bet once he realises his shock and perplexed act isn’t working he will ramp up his behaviour. He will use guilt, manipulation and say the relationship is over if you don’t move in. Then once he’s cottoned onto the fact that you won’t be going a long with his plans he will get angry.
I don’t know if you have anything in joint names like bills or a loan but if you do I would be cancelling them pronto.

He must've done, hence why he's so baffled that she's questioning it. In his head it was a done deal and probably has been since he committed himself to such a huge mortgage.

Something else to consider @HolyCheeses – which of you will end up looking after his parents in the annexe as they get older? Clue: I bet he's thinking that's something else you can take on.

He definitely saw the OP coming.

Buy a big house for him and the parents and get the dim OP to pay half with no rights to anything and she can provide caring duties for his parents.

Absolutely hilarious.

What a coniving little snake.

This ☝🏼

I think if men are looking for someone to split bills 50:50 with they should get a housemate

@HolyCheesesdo you enjoy your current job? Do you actually want to find a different job or happy to continue as you are until retirement? I understand that you do want to move anyway because of your ex. Sounds like you need to put yourself first and think about what works for you. Finish your renovation, think about where you would like to live that is also convenient for your work. Is there somewhere that ticks those boxes and also has a support network? Friends? Family? Access to clubs and activities you enjoy doing? Work out where you want to be and then find a place to live that suits your budget so that you can live stress free by yourself.

And we’ve found the 1%

One of 4 adults likely to be living there, and getting 0% of the capital value, so 50% makes perfect sense.

@HolyCheeses high time to put yourself first - nobody else will and he certainly isn’t!

How are you feeling @HolyCheeses- angry? sad? confused? relieved?

How does it feel to go back to the drawing board - what are your thoughts on staying where you are and moving on to somewhere else? It’s very costly and stressful buying and selling - if possible I would think strategically about what suits any retirement ambitions, where your DCs might be (think you said one was still at uni) and your social life longer term.

Yes, this. Why on earth would you even consider moving in with someone when it's so clear you're there to care for their ageing parents?

I did ask re the parents and was told they wouldn’t be ‘getting off scott free’ again woolly and no clarity

That said I was presented with the spreadsheet and told 50:50 would be great for both of us to be able to spread the load

As said previously. Nope.

Hes been so caught up in every way with the renovation and desperate to move into it that he’s left room for little else and has used this excuse to claim that’s why he’s not had the time to discuss the finances properly.

I didn’t even consider this as I work full time and plan to continue to do this for the foreseeable future

I’m not moving there but I’m not sure how I would’ve been expected to care for his parents when I am not there ?

Getting off Scott free ?
He sounds like a pompous baboon
I’ve got the ick

That’s really weird use of language from him - though his parents had done something wrong!

So sounds like he’s planning to pay less than 50% himself?

Such a CF!

Definitely don’t be persuaded to do this!

But when you are there ......

I think it's a good job you're breaking up with this guy, there are so many red flags. The 50:50 thing is insane.

You'd be expected to be there.