AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

he can afford it. He is cold, greedy, f........ c......

I had mentioned to him that there would be delays in me moving as I would need to prepare and sell my house and he seemed baffled and despondent and told me he’d have to get a lodger then-

AND THERE IT IS! He NEEDS you to subsidize his and his parents' lives in a house he can't actually afford ... all while screwing you over financially.

Wanker

I hope you've dumped him

He is playing "baffled" because he hasn't an answer.
How exactly could explain it and make it sound anything but batshit for anyone to consider?

He has lied and misled with obfuscation every time he was asked for clarification on the finances.

He thinks the OP is beyond dim and can be suckered into being a morgage paying, utility paying, elder care skivvy, lodger, housekeeper, nurse with a purse......with not a single right to her name.

She could be turfed out of the house, penniless and miles away from her adult children at any moment.

This is chillingly sinister and clearly has been planned for years.

Baffled my arse!

With everything you’ve been through with the divorce, renovating your house, selling it for a smaller mortgage is the independence and security you need.
You halted renovations to help him with his house because he thinks his needs are more important than your own.
He has told you he will get a lodger in if you don’t move into his house because he needs help paying for it all. If you did move into his house he will expect you to sell your property and probably expect you to sink your money into his property. It would be another fight if you split up to get your money back. You’d move away from friends and family and have to find another job.
Independence and security is the key to happiness for you.
When people have recently been through a tough period and are vulnerable I find they attract wolves in sheep’s clothing. I think you are now seeing him for the wolf he is!

He bought the house with expectations that he didn't share with you until the last minute. That might have been blinkered. Or hopeful. Or manipulative. Or dumb. Or naïve. Or coercive. What is wasn't was thoughtful towards you and what worked for you financially.

I get what's in it for him. He gets a massive mansion, big enough to accommodate everyone, in a place he wants to live, done up to the standard he wants. But at no point does it seem to click with him that this is his dream, not yours. And you should not be made to feel financially responsible for paying for his dream.

It's lovely he asked your DC how they would like their rooms decorated. But it would have cost the same whether he did it to his tastes or theirs. So it's lovely of him, but also no skin off his nose to do a lovely thing.

What is skin off his nose is the cost of maintaining and upkeeping his dream. And that's why he wants to share it with you.

It sounds like you've already decided to go down the 'no thank you I don't want to be taken for another mug' road and I think you're very sensible. It might possibly be able to be remedied if he agreed to your 30:70 split and apologised for assuming you would shoulder half his burden at a greater cost than shouldering your own on your own. But I suspect his maths ain't mathing and he needs the money of a lodger more than he needs the equal partnership (which does not equate to equal financial input but rather each according to their means) that he would get with you.

At least you found it out before you did something you were unable to undo. Wishing you all the best for your happy future, free of another man's financial obligation.

This is seriously what a fucker territory. You should go nuclear. ‘do you seriously mean you were doing all of this work for years while planning for me to hep fund it but refusing to talk to me about the finances?? You have no idea I’m a real person here do you, not an adjunct to your life! Did you tell your friends you were relying on me to move in with you and your parents and help pay for it and destroy my retirement and proudly say but I’m not telling her any of that? Get your lodger. I need to fund my retirement not yours.

No, you’ll have less money, will your name be on the mortgage deeds as 50% owner? Will he expect you to run around after his parents? And clean this big house? I’d say no.

NO you are not being unreasonable.

Marriage protects her in the event of the relationship failing. A property settlement would aim to restore her $$ contributions.
It would also weed him out. He won't be wanting to marry if his lovely big asset becomes available to someone who might divorce him and take it.

Why would she marry someone who stalls on discussing money, makes financial proposals that only benefit him, has his parents on-site, wants her to move house and find a ew job, tight with money?

Have I missed anything out?

Sorry if I’ve missed it but will your name be going on the deed? If not he can get to fuck

You'll have no financial security at all if you move in with him. He sounds mean

I am not saying she should marry him. I am agreeing that the counter argument is to tell him she will only do that if he marries her.
That will sort the wheat from the chaff.

If your going to be worse off financially plus have to find a new job, relocate and all that then no. Dont do it. I wouldnt. What if the relationship doesn't work out, what will you do then? Why should you subsidise him and his parents. Add to that, he earns more than you. No, no no.

I think you're doing the right thing ending it & focusing on your renovation & your life.

He isn't thinking about you at all, just himself.

I'm sorry it has come to this, but I'm relieved you have the sense to see it & the strength to know its time to end it

Whoa! Another huge red flag!
He bought a house he wants without including you on the decision, didn't ask if you want to live in the area, love with him, love with his parents... And then in a pretence of consideration he asks your kids what colour they want their rooms???

There were far bigger considerations to be discussed way before paint colours, and he chose not to have them.

This is hugely controlling behaviour and you have spotted it just in time.

Get away from him and enjoy your life. Good luck!

When my now husband moved into my house, we only split bills and I still paid the FULL mortgage myself. He rented his property out. Sharing just bills implies you want to share a life together, but if we split, I knew that the house was fully mine and he would have no legal claim to it as he had never paid any mortgage. If you help paying his mortgage, you may have some legal claim to part of his house if you split. When we married and merged finances, we began to split everything (all paid from shared account) however - we didnt have any kids from previous relationships. Youre not being unreasonable, hes treating you as a tenant. That is not your asset, why should you help him pay his mortgage, what is in it for you?

1% say I’m being unreasonable

I think this was definitely what I needed to read

I think the 1% pressed the wrong button 🫣🤞

Why did he buy such a big house when it’s not needed??
How old are his parents?

Good luck op. Let us know how it goes 🤞 you've got this 💐

You get the odd person who'll vote YABU for even questioning whether you are BU, if you see what I mean? My guess is 100% think YADNBU.

Have you found out what his parents contribution to the set-up would be yet OP?

OP. Where were his parents living beforehand? Could they have bought this house with him?

He clearly bought it based on the assumption you would contribute though.

So when are you going to tell him?