AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

He can't understand why you would want to
Not live with your boyfriend's parents
Have some spare cash
Own your own home instead of subsiding him paying off his mansion, and you'd no longer own any home...

Gosh, what a mystery....

two people living together should both contribute to housing and expenses. The exact ratio of fair contributions is not always 50:50.

You should never agree to live beyond your means. His request is a complete nonstarter.

if he wants an even split, he should downsize and live a lifestyle that is comfortable for your budget and still leaves you with plenty of disposable income and savings.

"he seemed baffled and despondent and told me he’d have to get a lodger then"
He really did say the quiet part out loud, didn't he? It confirms that he needs additional income to run this "huge property with an annexe for his parents" and was looking for you to finance him.

And you are too sensible to piss your finances up the wall in this way. You wouldn't have chosen to take on a place with such huge running costs and huge mortgage for your own benefit, so why on earth does he think you will for his (and only his) benefit? It's self-absorbed of him to think this was in any way equitable.

Expect recriminations from him, OP. He's factored you into his spreadsheets as a source of income, and now he's going to have to find a new source - hence his lodger comment.

Like you, I also would have a massive ick over this whole side of him. I think you're doing the right thing by calling time on the relationship. It wasn't the relationship you thought it was, nor is he the man you thought he was. Ick ick ick!

No. Why should you saddle yourself with his mortgage! And not benefit!!

How did he get approved for a mortgage he clearly can't afford?

Hi OP glad you have thought this through and are thinking about you. Just want to add you would also be 50/50 funding his parents annex and in a few years time probably be sucked into being their carer. If you start to sway towards moving in with him, picture that as a retirement! Good luck

Were you together when he bought his big house? Did he assume you would contribute?

I’ve been following this thread from the beginning and have nothing new to add, but just wanted to say I’m very impressed by you, OP. Rooting for you! Would love an update in a few months/years with your happy ending!

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He wants a paying lodger with benefits.

Agree. The proverbial nurse with a purse to end up as carer in chief for his parents and expecting her to pay for the privilege.

This is the main points!

What appals me most is the living with his parents (and subsidising that) and the fact he would soak up all her disposable cash, but not his own.

BUT, BUT, BUT: people keep saying she'd have no claim on the house. This is WRONG. If you pay towards a mortgage, and it isn't as a tenant or lodger, the assumption is that you create a beneficial entitlement. That means you could well own a share of the equity, unless he put it in writing between you that it was understood that you wouldn't.

I am worried people reading this may assume they have no claim on a partner's house if they are unmarried, even if they have paid large sums. That is NOT correct. Marriage protects you, yes - a share of one another's pensions and savings as well as the house, even if you are a SAHP. (It doesn't protect the larger earner, obviously). But if you fund a mortgage and can prove you have done so, even though you don't have a marital claim, you could well have a claim to some of the equity of that house.

It's great women now understand there is no such thing as common-law marriage, and disadvantaging yourself financially to have children with someone, unmarried, is a risk. But that doesn't mean you have no rights at all if you pay towards a shared home. Unless you have a tenancy agreement, or in some other way it is spelled out in writing that you do not create any right to any of the home, then yes, you may well do.

The real issue here is that this man wants to use this woman as a cashpoint to fund a house he can't afford by himself, and doesn't seem to have any intention of her being a beneficial owner. His intentions are shit and greedy. That doesn't mean there can be no claim for anyone who has directly funded a mortgage over their heads as part of a couple (so, a cohabitant and not a tenant). Often there can.

He is not offering you a partnership, he is looking for a lodger to help pay his bills and mortgage. If he can't/won't understand your position, understsnd what you will be giving up and not offering any collateral in return, walk away. You will be impoverished yourself and losing your assets to pay for his. You can draft an equitable financial agreement outlining what you would both be contributing and then owning but if won't do that. Run.

Don’t do it he just wants help financially & with
his parents. He benefits from it but how do you?

No he announced it a couple of years into the relationship that he was buying it

The fact that he said he’d have to get a lodger in suggests he can’t actually afford this without another source of income. Which he thought would be you. Which is fine if you financially benefit from subsiding his purchase. But you don’t.

Sounds like he deliberately got you on board by sorting rooms for your children. Call me skeptical but he could have done that in order for you to feel it’s difficult to back out on the idea down the line.

Please don’t move in with him, he’s clearly over stretched himself financially and then trying to guilt trip you by saying despondently he’ll have to get a lodger. Stay in your own place, have your freedom and don’t be taken advantage of financially by him. He is a grown man and yes if he needs a lodger to pay towards the house well that’s fine then and he can advertise for one.

So he gets half his substantial bills and mortgage paid, you do all the leg work with relocating, and I bet when his parents are elderly and needing more and more support, you'll be expected to pick up that too!
If you've been together 4 years and otherwise enjoy his company, then keep things as they are, but don't move in with him under these circumstances.
The parent annexe alone, even if you didn't have to pay a penny, would chill my blood.

You’re not renting a flat though, you’re renting half a room in a shared house. Check out the local prices for that and see how the figures work out.

tbh, I’d want to keep my financial independence but if you really are keen to move in together, then it should be a share of the bills (which should be no more than you’re paying now, bills on a bigger house are a lot more so either at the current rate or 70/30 split) plus 50% of the local room rate.

plus if you do move in, make sure any money transfers labelled mortgage plus bills. Maybe when he sees this could give you a claim on the house as well he’ll start to see sense

He created bedrooms for each of them and asked for their input with colours and finishes etc. So they would have a place to visit

Before you agreed to move in? He got a bit ahead of himself there, didn't he?

Money aside, the parents annex would be enough to put me off. You'll end up being their carer.

No amount of painted bedrooms would be worth the loss to my future financial security of this move. By all means move from the town your ex lives in but by God not with someone who'd not only be happy to profit from you at your very obvious expense, but is not at all discomfited at the idea of your vulnerability and relative loss. I don't like the sound of this at all.

Hell no! Your not named on mortgage or anything so house isn’t yours so you shouldn’t have to pay.

Your independence and financial security is worth way more than living in a massive house.

You’ve already been through so much because of a man. Your children are grown and have flown the nest. There’s no need for you to ever live with another man again. Enjoy that liberation!

I'm glad you've already made up your mind @HolyCheeses . It was shockingly manipulative of him to involve your DC in choosing colours for bedrooms, whilst dodging questions about how finances might work, only to pull the 'you'll pay 50% of everything including my mortgage' card. I'd wish him luck with finding a lodger willing to pay 50% of all costs. He's a grifter.

I agree. Don't get guilt tripped over some paint and decor... especially when you've halted renovations on your own property to help him with renovations on his, whilst he dodged your continued requests for information.
I don't think its an accident that he never came up with the figures until he was able to present it as super urgent and "I can't manage unless you move in". It's lying by omission and its blackmail. Even though he's now told you his expectations of how much you would pay... he's still not presented any information about what his parent's financial contribution is.