AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Same. Maybe he’s lining OP up as a future carer. How convenient.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable AT ALL. And the fact he makes reference to getting a lodger in suggests his key concern is someone pay something so he can manage financially. Not attractive. There is nothing in this option for you. If he doesn’t get it then sadly while he might have other redeeming qualities, he is clearly tight and a bit of an idiot. I also think it sets up a situation where he is in a dominant position which I don’t like for you. You’ve got a house and older kids and lots of options to live a fun and full life. This guy sounds like someone who will ultimately detract from that. Life’s too short. Best wishes.

There’s no way I’d sell my own home and move in with a man in order to contribute half to his mortgage without being on the deeds or married to him. He gets a big home, mortgage paid off and every single penny of the equity plus the stability of home ownership. In contrast, you are effectively a tenant and he can leave you with nowhere to go and with nothing to show for your contributions if the relationship ends. Every single bit of the risk carried there is by you. I’m not sure why he doesn’t understand this. It’s very selfish thinking which makes me believe he’s been so focused on this idea (assumption) of comfortably affording the mortgage on this lovely home between you, he hasn’t stopped to think about why you’d want to do that without any stake in the house.

No!!! And I speak from experience here

OP I moved in with my now fiance and agreed to split bills and mortgage 50/50. I really wish I hadn’t. If I could go back now I would have said a 30/70 split as you have suggested.

The arguments and ill feelings that followed were not worth it. Literally 4 years of me being generally fuming about it. I had moved from rented but had been in a position to buy. I too felt as you have said - that you are paying off an asset you’re not entitled to at all. Whilst I earn more than my fiance, it impacted on me saving.

Eventually after 4 years he made me joint owner of the property and we are due to marry soon. This however was from digging my heels in, giving him an ultimatum and said he either adds me to the mortgage officially or I move out and buy my own asset - but that that would mean the end of us completely. Who said romance was dead?!

But for everyone’s sake, do not agree to pay half unless he is willing to offer you half. You simply cannot risk that at a whim, he could essentially as you to move out at any time and that could seriously leave you well up shit creek

Is he wanting you to live with him to care for his elderly parents too? I would not be entering into this arrangement personally. My situation sounds like yours and when I did move we became equal partners in the property and I sold mine (profit kept as mine).

There is a wiping difference between moving into a partners home, and pay8ng rent vs paying rent on a random property living on your own, or sharing with others.

it is often, if done sensibly, a great way to improve your chances of financial security. Generally you pay your partner a lower rent than you’d get commercially, and you’re in a home that you can, with the homeowners/partners consent you can paint, decorate, or even just put shelves up . It can actually feel like your home. It can also, as rent this way is often cheaper, help you save for deposit, so the next move you make can be to get on property market yourself as well.

all very sensisble. PROVDIED the person moving in has a proper rent agreement as a lodger. That means the property owning individual can’t make that person homeless overnight, if relationship falters or they even have an argument. Renter has rights to live there then and gain access, until tenenwcy legally ends. Also really sensible as her rent is tax free to the owner /landlord to a certain limit (£6000 per year I think). A win win in almost all circumstances . Cheaper for both parties. Security for both parties.

BUT this is very different. OP owns her property. She’d being stepping off the property ladder. She’ll be paying MORE each month than she does now. She’ll have no money left to save or even do anything she wants and he doesn’t with, her only savings to subsidise that will than balance of her house sale profit, and if it all goes tits up in 5 years, that sum will be devalued with inflation buying even less house than she has currently.

it is a monumentally bad deal financially and for her security. Especially without any y that means he can turf her out at a moments notice

don’t compare the two. They are not the same scenario or financial benefit.

Him:
Pro’s:
Living with girlfriend
Half the mortgage and bills covered
Girlfriend has no financial claim on property if it doesn’t work out
Help with housework etc for a huge house
Help with looking after his parents as they age
Having plenty of disposable income as housing costs are split 50-50

Con’s:
Having girlfriends children staying regularly - which he may be perfectly happy with anyway

You:
Pro’s:
Living with boyfriend
When children stay, they like the colour of their rooms

Con’s:
Having to relocate and find new job and local friends
Having no disposable income due to paying 50%
Having no financial stake in a property
Having a huge house, instead of being able to downsize as you’d planned to
Lots more housework and maintenance for a much larger property
Losing the peace and quiet of your own space
Possibly ending up spending time looking after his parents or taking them to appointments
Living in close proximity to his parents - you don’t say if you get on well with them, but potentially they will be popping in and out and will know all your business which will be quite intense
Living with boyfriend who does not see things from your point of view or want to share costs fairly

I can certainly see why he is feeling a bit bereft that you are not super excited to move in.

Do whatever makes YOU happiest - as someone has already said, you are not a bit part in his life, you have your own to lead.

I don't think marriage would solve the problem - in case of divorce it would be a possible short one and with no kids, so OP wouldn't get substantial share. Also he can will this all to someone else even if married.

OP, what's his suggestion about the house you own? rent it out (and pay income tax on rent)? or sell?

Poor lamb. He’s going to need to revisit that spreadsheet pronto.

Some things are so fundamental to compatibility as a couple that splitting is the right alternative.

Why would OP feel like a sponger? She has her own home, for which she pays. She's taking nothing from anyone. Exactly where does sponging come into this?

There is absolutely no way that one half of a couple should ever pay towards a mortgage of a house they don't own (are on the deeds for). Never.

Just to be clear, I was responding to the poster who said she was foreign and contributes 0 percent to the mortgage when she lives with a man.

Fully agree re your second sentence.

When my (now) DH moved into my house, he kept his house and rented it out. He gave me gave me 50% of the rent he received. Then we split bills 50:50.

His house was worth about 50% of what mine was (due to geographical location) and the total rent he got was about 50% of my mortgage. I was fine with that arrangement as we were both financially better off from living together.

Oh wow. So he wants you to pay half his mortgage, half the bills (including his parents’ bills if the annex is on the same system as the house), I’m betting he’ll be wanting you to do the lion’s share of domestic chores, and probably in time look after his parents to boot. All while being less financially secure than you are now. Where did you find this prince among men? No wonder he’s pushing you to do this OP - he’ll be living the life of riley if you agree.

Has he also fleeced his parents to get his dream house? Is he also lining you up to be their carer?

You are actually at an amazing crossroads in life.

You have raised 3 children into successful independent adulthood despite an abusive xH.

You have built a financial asset in your property.

You should now be looking to YOUR future where you are safe and secure and have a simple sustainable financial foundation.

Where is your emotional scaffolding? Do you have close friends, family, colleagues, hobbies etc - where are they? These are gold in later life. Where will your children be? Are they likely to be near to where you are now? If they have children do you want to be involved locally?

Keep all your options open - prioritise your own emotional health and the social networks you have built up.

I understand you want to move away from the area - but maybe take a moment and don’t jump from the frying pan into the fire. You have achieved so much you should take time to let that all sink in and enjoy that satisfaction - don’t tangle yourself up with someone so complicated and un generous - because people who are tight / unfair with money are the same with their emotions - they are totally self serving and will not be around to provide the support you need.

The difference between staying in your little house and moving into his big one is that you'll actually have something of your own to show for the former. Paying someone else's mortgage is usually something people only do when they don't have other options financially. It's amazing he can't understand your POV here and it should make you question his suitability as a partner.

Its s joke that clarifies what is at stake.

@HolyCheeses did his parents contribute to this big house.

Oh OP, no! You have already given him so much of your time and labour. Please stop that immediately. Do not feather his nest - get back to feathering yours. In your shoes I’d end this relationship, finish the work on my house, and then think carefully about where I wanted to live and the type of lifestyle I wanted for myself. Do not just move to his town even if you decide not to move in with him. He is not in charge of you.

This wasn’t a response to OP, it was to the poster who said that as a foreign lady she has always paid 0% of the mortgage of the men she has lived with. Looks as if the quote didn’t add.

OP def not a sponger!! Already commented elsewhere suggesting she protects herself as he seems to be looking at it v much from his own perspective.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

Such a dumb argument on his side.
A. You're not renting a flat, you already gave your own home
B. If you were renting a flat, you'd have tenants rights!

I’m quite aware of the difference. But the way some posters on here are framing it, is making it sound as if anyone in the position of living in a partner’s home and paying them rent is wrong. I wouldn’t want anyone in that position to read this thread and start questioning their (very common and quite normal) life choices!
I make the distinction in my post; my view is that while in principle it is not a fundamentally ‘wrong’ thing to do, the OP in her position should steer well clear.

edit to add: that was to @Limehawkmoth