AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

I am baffled also. I am foreign and have always had men prepared to take me in just with 0 money and a suitcase. Is it because English ladies and hats down to them have so much earning power, certain class English men just reduced their manliness to nothing and expect free handouts. I am baffled

This is a very interesting window on his soul, particularly that he seems surprised that you would not want to pay more than you currently do for rent while receiving nothing in return.

In our house, we are married, both on the deeds/mortgage, and the lower-earning party pays a pro-rata amount of the mortgage & bills.

What would he think about this arrangement?

Particularly at this time of life, there is no reason to finance another person’s mortgage for no financial/long term return.

Ask him to move in with you and rent his place out

Who's paying for the annexe? Is this separate?

(I still wouldn't do it)

That is amazing to me though, I would have no self respect if I didn’t contribute either financially or by bringing up children. Genuine question which is not pointed -don’t you feel like a sponger? Or were you brought up somewhere very traditional where this is ok?

What???

The last response was at 10am

Is she supposed to be on here 24/7?

How rude

She has been replying - her last post was less than 2 hours ago. Not everyone is glued to Mumsnet 24/7, especially in the middle of a work day.

What a bizarre post.

Sorry but this is not what real love looks like to me. When my DP moved into my property which he had no stake in, I charged him no rent at all because that's what actually loving and supporting someone is.

Absolutely this. OP, do not put yourself (and your children in future) at any financial disadvantage by paying off his mortgage rather than having your own. He wants your money he puts you on the deeds of his house.
But do you really want to move in with his parents??

Yes, this comment explains his position perfectly. Thing is, a lodger would actually have a legal contract, defined rights with respect to the different parts of the property and would only be required to pay a rate that reflects their individual usage of utilities - ie, he would have to deduct a share for parents and/or make sure their water/electric was separately metered. And they wouldn’t be offering sex or cleaning the house and cooking meals etc.

That he has reduced you to a paying lodger at this stage is disgusting. I think, as others suggest, throw this one back @HolyCheeses and find someone else once your children are settled during/after university.

He sounds pretty entitled and like you should move your entire heaven and earth around him and has used the leverage of bedrooms for your kids as a manipulative measure to get your to stay invested in the whole thing.

Can he orient around anyone else but himself or another's person's thinking?

What I notice is that men who have spent time on their own for extended periods have a set way of doing things and can be quite inflexible in their thinking. That's not to say some women can't be the same, but with us often being the lower earner having taken time out to raise kids, we're always more vulnerable financially, and often too physically due to menopause and the toll giving birth and caring takes on your body. Physically also, we're weaker and we are of course more vulnerable so we give up a lot when he start a new life with a man. Half and half is not fair.

You are 100% right to prioritise your children. He is tight with money. This is not an attractive characteristic long term. In the home, it can get really exhausting as they penny pinch on heating, food, basics etc. It can almost become a sport to some people and I have found it very unattractive. In all things in life, balance is required.

You don't need another project like your last DH. You need something easy and that feels like home. Move away by all means, but not to this man's house. Move somewhere that makes you feel alive, not drained.

I'm sure she'd contribute to bills and living expenses, nowhere has she said she expects to be 'kept'

But why on earth would you pay a mortgage on a house you didn't own?

How fucking rude are you? You understand people are at work and not glued to MN for your entertainment

I am baffled also because all the foreign ladies I know have had jobs and careers and can take care of themselves, so have never turned up on a man’s doorstep with a suitcase and no money expecting to be ‘kept’.

YANBU I was in a similar position, had my own home put me and then BF discussed future. I moved in with him whilst I then sold my place, but I absolutely didn’t pay towards his mortgage. He then eventually sold his and we bought together.

He sounds like the type who will say "your DC used an entire toilet roll when they stayed with us last week, so I need you to transfer me £1.25".

You need to spell out to him the facts: you are responsible for your own financial security, you currently own a house and are on even keel with money after raising your children; you have an asset that is yours alone, and that gives you security and some degree of independence. He is asking you to abandon your own security in order to fund a house you do not want, and live with him and his parents — paying more for the privilege than you currently pay and having no assets if the relationship ends/he dies or whatever happens. He is seeing things from his perspective and has no insight into your situation. You need to very clearly paint the picture of why this doesn't work for you and offer him alternatives:

• you will sell your home, invest the money and live with him going half on ultilties and shopping only
• you would like to be put on the mortgage
• he marries you and you split costs 70/30

The guy is delusional if he thinks you should change your life and risk your security to fund his life style choices.

How much are his parents putting towards the annexe?
How much are they paying for monthly rent?
Will he inherit anything while you are paying half towards a mortgaged property you won't benefit from?
When they need greater personal care, who is providing it, or paying for it?

He needs to be de-baffled.
The lodger comment suggests to me that his parents are not contributing.

Gosh, you must feel so 'useful' @HolyCheeses , not something I would relish.

In Scotland, you are entitled to claim for a capital sum up to a year after separation if there was an economic advantage from your contributions - I.e value of property increases (which this has, significantly).

And , I assume, to take on carer role for his parents in the annexe eventually…he’s be a rare man to do carer role entirely.

methinks this is a very duff deal!
🚩

Well OP rest assured you are not being unreasonable. He is being HIGHLY unreasonable. I also think it is suspect that he avoided discussions. If I were being uncharitable I would suspect him of wanting this to be a fait accomplis, you are already moved in, rented your place out and THEN he whips out the spreadsheet. Only you know if he would be that underhand.
This wounded puppy dog attitude would tick me off. I bet he would not sign up to this deal. His inability to understand your position I simply don’t believe, as clearly he is financially astute. He had a great plan to build wealth and use you to do it, getting on tap sex and someone to cook and clean for free on top and you are not falling in line. How frustrating for him.
Yes you could come back with a counter offer to pay less proportionately, or pay in return for a fair interest in the house but honestly i personally would not even try. This would give me the total ick and I’d be questioning if I want to share my life with someone prepared to behave like this. I’d have an open conversation with him about how I felt. I’d use the term ‘financial exploitation’ and see if he owns it and backtracks completely after a profuse apology. Anything less and I think I’d be calling it a day.
Edited for errors

No wonder he is surprised you have doubts. You've spent the last few years improving his life immeasurably at the expense and inconvenience of yours.

He's been taking from you for years. Let that sink in. Sorry OP.

@HelenaWaiting I realised not long before you quoted me but had missed the edit window. I was so focused on trying to ensure that I made the point about ‘buying in later’. Obviously deposit contributions, timing and payment proportions need to be taken into account. I’ve had a complex arrangement myself. If they go ahead, need to agree it all upfront of course.

I'd stay where you are.

I had similar with now DH - in early 20s been together years by then. I was miserable in job and flat and was job hunting and he suggested moving in with him- and I expected to pay half of everything. Just when I'd secured an interview in new area some distance away- it suddenly changed to me getting my own flat - and it was a very expensive area I'd have moving costs and the whole equation change.

I got a new job in current area though it came with a long commute.

Year or so later he asked me to marry him - I said yes but made no plans to move. 18 months later he move north for work - it was pain to travel to see each other so he asked about me moving up there - said he'd have to book marraige. I though long and hard and in end said yes. He went out that day and booked a time to get married and we started the paper work - it was about 6-7 months and I move up two weeks before and it felt risky enough though I had savings.

I now suspect he was suddenly being given advice from IL and his mates. The mates are now 50 single and kin who IL think did things right way are also male and single coming up to 50 and keep breaking up with long term GF who have teens and don't want to move in together which IL don't understand.

Think it has already been mentioned who do you think is going to care for his parents…..you, are as time goes on unpaid carer. I would leg it.