AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

He’s evasive because he knows full well that he’s trying to fleece you. Bastard!

Glad you’ve seen the light before it’s too late OP

Also I get the impression you would need to find another job? Not always easy in the current climate. Plus your children may come home to live it’s not easy for young people to set up on their own.

I mean where do you find these men? Real men wouldn’t expect a penny from you, and would be happy to cover expenses! Especially given that he is in a position he is able to do so!

"I had mentioned to him that there would be delays in me moving as I would need to prepare and sell my house and he seemed baffled and despondent and told me he’d have to get a lodger then"

The above says it all to me. He is a greedy cheeky fucker. He has a house He cannot afford and wants you to move in quickly to fund his mortgage that he cannot afford on his own. Let him get a lodger.

This man sounds very unattractive, I can only speak for myself but his meaness, his transactional ways would make me end the relationship.

Look after yourself OP.

I'm assuming you wouldn't officially be on the mortgage? You'd just be transferring X amount per month to your partner, which he'd use towards the mortgage? So not only is he expecting you to contribute to a mortgage unofficially but also to a house where you're not on the deeds either!!! Plus he wants you to pay 50% which isn't in proportion to your earnings, leaving you worse off!!

Big massive alarm bells are ringing!!!! What if you split, years down the line, you could have been paying towards a mortgage for 10 years, for a house you don't own!! You'd have a massive fight on your hands, to claim any money off him!!

If he honestly can't see the issue here, then he's either bloody daft or is using you for financial gain. This arrangement benefits your partner only, not you.

I would be re-evaluating the relationship. Definitely don't sell your home. Or if you do, don't tie any money up with your partner.

@HolyCheeses Would his parents be paying anything towards mortgage/bills, or is he expecting you to subsidise them too?

I would expect him to be very angry indeed when this comes to a head.

You have been together for several years, helped him to renovate a property [which he may or may not have acquired while dating you] some distance away, to the extent you've discussed which rooms your children will stay in for holidays, and he is under the blithe assumption that this is all moving towards you moving in.
Did you ever entertain the idea of living with his parents?

Yes, he has stalled on discussing on how this would work financially and frankly he sounds like a CF, but it also sounds like you have at no point actually had a good think and set out your expectations clearly using words like a grown adult. Which I think is unfair. So there is fault on both sides.

So hang on, you’ve gone to his, been involved in his renovations. All sounds ok. However, when he comes to yours, you put your renovations on hold. That doesn’t sound right at all to me, and putting all of these things together, he sounds like a very selfish man. Not surprised you’ve had enough.

Good for you, OP. Sometimes, love isn't enough if it causes you to abandon yourself.

> I don’t feel comfortable ...

Then don't

His own problem for making assumptions, and for having an ego that writes cheques his body can't cash.

And if he's very angry because OP doesn't immediately fall into line with his unreasonable (and unarticulated) expectations, this only confirms that the OP's instinct to end the relationship is entirely right.

His circus, his monkeys.

So refreshing to see a woman putting herself first! Well done @HolyCheeses !! He definitely had designs on you for taking care of him, his parents and his house 🤢

God no, absolutely don't do this. I am baffled as to why he even thinks you would!

I agree she should end the relationship and put her own future first. It doesn't sound remotely attractive.

But from what the OP has said so far, I think he will feel misled and that this will come out of the blue. Hindsight is wonderful and she quite possibly did entertain moving in with him until the financial position became clear, but I think its bizarre that two adults in their 50's who live hours from each other and their jobs, both renovating properties to live in haven't had a proper drains up conversation about their personal red lines before now so that assumptions weren't made.

But.. you wouldn't be paying rent on a flat! That's a false dichotomy.

The choice is between 'investing in a house I own and can sell if need be' and 'paying rent on a house I have no financial interest in.'

Although actually scratch that - the second choice is MUCH more likely to be 'paying rent on a house I have no financial interest in and being housekeeper to him and eventually, carer to his parents.'

Either way - the fact that he earns so much more than you and expects everything to be split fifty fifty is a massive red flag. Especially when you factor in the saving he will make from not having to pay a cleaner or carer. Jesus.

LOL, is he for real. Marry the bastard, then take ages to find new job, so he learns to pay up - this is the only way I treat a man, sorry - give me all the bashing you guys want

Don’t move in with him OP. Don’t marry him or merge finances with him. He’s financially selfish and doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Either carry on as is or end the relationship. Even if he agrees to reduce your bill contribution I imagine he would change his mind later on, or never miss the chance to fleece you when it arrives.

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents.

Nope, never in a million years.
As I've got older I've learned that nothing is more important than protecting your own peace. Don't move in with someone who has their parents living on the property, that's going to disturb your peace. Even with the best will in the world it could end up causing conflict or you could end up being expected to care for them as they get older.
I also wouldn't be moving into a property where I was going to end up worse off and not even have a stake in the property at the end of it. You should stay where you are and carry on with your plans to renovate and downsize.

But I don't understand why you got to the stage of talking about rooms for your adult kids and them being involved in choosing the decor. This shouldn't have happened because you didn't want to move in with him because of the financial reasons. You really should have been much clearer before renovations even began.
Even though I wouldn't want to move in with him under those circumstances in a million years, I can see why he is a bit pissed off. It's weeks away from move in date, you've future-faked him by giving him the impression you were going to move in, now you are dragging your feet and still haven't given him a clear no. He's forked out money to decorate rooms to your kids' taste and now you're backing out.
You are both at fault here for not communicating properly -him for not being clear about the financials and you for not saying "Hey, before we even think about renovations and decorating I need to know how it would work out financially and decide whether it works for me".

Oh god no way, at your stage of life you need peace which you will not get moving in with this tight man. Stay where you are and maybe consider selling and moving somewhere else by yourself if you really need to.

Can't believe he had manipulated your kids to pick out room colours etc so thereby making it potentially harder for you to back out of his selfish plan. Let him get a lodger.

This man has got you penciled in as a unpaid carer for his parents, and unpaid domestic servant. If your children live there too that will give him more leverage, you will end up feeling as if you have to obey him so that he's nice to them.

So I live in my other half’s mortgaged house. I got rid of mine to live here with him. I out earn him significantly and could run this house myself- and I still don’t pay a penny to the mortgage as I would have zero entitlement to anything back if we split.

however - I take responsibility for half the bills, all the food shop, and have stumped up a fair bit of money and effort to re- decorate and make some improvements. With receipts. Because under cohabitation law I could claim something back for increasing the value of the house if need be.

In the background my savings pot is getting bigger ready for the day he’s ready to sell this and we collectively buy bigger and better.

Do not move in with him unless you are married and financially secure, what happens if you split up? Things happen.

No, no, a thousand times no.

@TheOtherSide21 which cohabitation law is this?