AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Big houses are overrated. Leave him to wallow in his space. And to finance it!

I think it's best for you to continue with your own plans. You'd probably regret not doing so. Who knows what'll come your way

That's exactly what I was just thinking. Even just paying 50% of the bills is very likely to prove much more expensive for the OP.

I can see you’ve decided to call it a day, and I think that’s wise.

not only is he expecting you to make your own situation worse off financially than it currently is , it is at a huge risk to you in terms of work/life etc. I see he’s said “oh I’ll have to get a lodger in” means he IS relying on your money to fund this. The parents moving into the annexe… wonder how much they’re putting in? Also guess who’s going to be the one lumped with their care? You, young muffins! That’s who.

the other thing I seriously worry about happening if you move in is that what’s remaining of the mask he’s wearing would drop and you’d be ruined and trapped.

no. This isn’t the one. He showed you who he is with the holidays, now he’s screaming at the top of his voice what kind of man he is.

you don’t need him to escape your past. You can do this all by yourself.

You are not married.
NEVER subsidise this man's mortgage and don't let him take you for a fool, the cunning bastard.
If the two of you were married, it might sound different.
Stay as you are, protect your assets.

Yes. That is an extra consideration.

You don't even know if he owns his house outright or has 50% share with his parents, I find it strange that he's never mentioned this, so even if you did agree that you would be included in the mortgage it might only be 25%.

Also, it's not just the two of you involved.. if you did marry or agreed to be on the mortgage - and subsequently wanted to split - it would be a more complicated sale as he'd need to rehome his parents too and maybe they would have to agree to sell as well. The problem with thinking over these possibilities is that they may not exist at all and its worries about nothing, but you've never had the information to know if they would or not. That's a huge amount you have been expected to take on trust.

Absolutely not 50:50! It needs to be based on income and then pro rata’d. Hubs and I have a 70:30 split based on our differing incomes

When my now husband moved in with me he was happy to pay half my mortgage. However, paying that was about half of what he was actually paying in rent so he was better off and it probably felt reasonable to him. Neither of us really knew for certain what was fair. We’ve since got married so it probably makes little difference now.

That said what your partner is proposing offers little benefit to you but lots of risks re relocation etc. I suppose this is like anything - you chose what you spend your money on. Lots of people would chose to have more reasonable outgoings to have more disposable income and flexibility. I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. If you were married you’d probably pool resources - paying 50:50 towards something you don’t want or need feels like you’re just funding his asset. Also the monthly cost of a mortgage is a pretty abstract measure anyway - much depends on the interest rate, length and down payment. The upshot for the owner is they’re paying off the capital. You’re just paying to live there and unless you actually get married you’d have a tricky route to proving any beneficial interest if you broke up.

he can't actually afford the mortgage can he ?

how much have his parents paid i.e. the deposit etc and is the mortgage in their name too
are their names of the title deeds too

and if you don't move in he would need to get a lodger ?!!!

he has chosen a property too large and too expensive for him to afford.

and

if you were to get married, then divorced you would be entitled to % of the house - how would he afford that ? would he have to throw his parents out ? if he needed to sell the house...

it does rather sound like you are a form of income for him rather than anything else ?

If you are not retaining ownership of your house that you currently have then don’t move in if you are not on the title deeds of the new property.

It is either your shared property or his. If it is his then what does he think he is doing asking you to give up your financial security to move in ? No. Even if he says he will pay the full mortgage, no.

Marriage or title deeds.
Common law marriage gives you no rights in law ( or very few).

You two have different objectives for your assets and future. Yours is your cast iron security and affordability, achieved by downsizing and cutting your outlay.

His is upsizing, expanding, investing to do so, and housing his parents.

From his pov he is looking at huge capital outlay and investment, making space for your Dc , you and everyone. And probably sees your retention of your asset while living in his house as you having your (his ) cake and eating it.

And if you were to increase your expenditure to live in his house you will have less money with which to support your Dc at Uni and less money to go on holiday with him - which frustrates him !

It’s a shame this all got so far without more detailed agreement and mutual understanding.

In the end your absolute security is your foundation.

Duplicate post

What has you renting a flat got to do with anything? You don’t want or need to rent a flat nor so him comparing half the mortgage to the cost of you renting a flat is pointless.
Did you discuss you renting a flat in the area?

OMG 😂😂 before I turn another page tell me your contributions are factored in.
“A nurse with a purse”
Never a truer word was said. Run!

Live in your perfect little corner of the world, your own home to gather breath, and then relocate away from your toxic exh at your leisure/pace 💐

DW earns 3 x my wage and we pay into an account proportionally because of that AND the house is half mine. I wouldn’t pay 50% of a mortgage on a house I had no claim on.
If you’re good where you are then just stay! Tell him you can’t afford half and you’d be much worse off.
He can get an actual lodger if he needs ££ for the mortgage.

You said he'd kept you in the dark about his financial arrangements for this for a long time? This sounds like Financial Abuse all over again to me...

I also bet that things like a cleaner would come off that spreadsheet as 'too expensive' the moment he had you trapped in the house with no job and his ageing parents next door...

Don't be upset that you didn't see this sooner, be glad you saw it now, when you can still act to protect yourself. 🤗

I would sell your house, invest the money, move in with him and only agree to pay a proportion of the bills but sign a waiver to any rights over his home.
if he’s not ok with that, don’t move in.

@HolyCheeses sounds like you made the right decision There are always other men out there.Don't think I could live with my current partner of 12 years. I'd kill him!

He’s a CF it would be the end of the relationship for me. Don’t move in with this man.

He’s probably panicking too thinking not only will he have to pay for his own asset, rather than having you do it (or half of it) but also “but I can’t have my parents live with me without a woman to act as a buffer/ do the emotional labour/ caring. That can’t be left to me!”

I think you to need to end it OP and be prepared for emotional blackmail about how he’s done it all for you, can’t afford it on his own etc etc

You are so far from being unreasonable that for me his attitude would be enough alarm bells to end this relationship.

His demands are unreal.

Never pay towards a mortgage if the property isn’t in your name.

Good decision!

They meant because if they were married she would then own half the house. It would be protection.

You've actively involved in the renovation, your children have given opinions about their rooms but you had not discussed anything about finances? And he can't actually afford this house?

I feel like when yiu move in to someone elses house that they own there is no right answer on how to split the costs. Cause on the one hand it is not fair to only split utilities but also not fair to pay mortgage etc. But one thing that I feel is non-negotiable is that it should be a better deal for everyone involved. Sounds like you won't benefit from this arrangement.