AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Does the annexe have a separate address/separate utilities account? If not, a 50/50 split could mean OP contributing to partner's parents bills too eg council tax should be a 3 way split etc.
Walk away OP.

Do not move in. You'll be waiving every right you have over your own home and, if the relationship breaks down, could be left with nothing.

He sounds not only as tight-fisted as they come but also exploitative. You'd not only be financially worse off given the unfair splitting of costs not calculated as a percentage of income, but would also have sacrificed your own home and current employment status to find alternatives that are both less secure. What exactly is in this for you - aside from the 'pleasure' of his company and possibly lion's share of the housework - that's in any way positive?

I suspect this is a good insight into who this man really is. And given these observations I wouldn't even consider marrying him, either. This is terrible advice; not, I suspect, that the option is even on the table.

By far your best course is to keep the living situation and employment you already have, and to give serious thought to the future (or otherwise) of this relationship.

I’m quite surprised by the replies tbh.

I have considered the idea of having a man move in with me FT and when weighing it up, one of the pros would be that he’d pay half of the bills.

I would consider it the fairest thing to do to charge him half of everything, especially if it’s possible his adult DCs may live or stay with us too.
He’d still be better off than if he was living alone as he’s only paying half.

You’re in an even better position as you’d have a place that you’d rent out and get additional income from that - never sell this.

I guess it’s the size of the property that’s the issue.
If he had a smaller place then the mortgage would be cheaper and you’d be much better off.

My advice was to consider selling your place and putting that money into his place instead of paying monthly but have it legally drawn up that you get that money back if you split.

However, as you seem very unsure of the relationship then I wouldn’t be moving in at all.
Keep living separately and see how you feel in a couple of years time.

Excellent - that's the right decision. in addition to everything else, the fact he's talked about a prenup to protect his finances, but somehow doesn't seem to understand or care that you need to protect yours... is very telling.

This was obvious, so don't worry about it, OP. Had the question not been in your mind to begin with you'd hardly have posted this thread.

You're not capitulating to MN advice. You're making the most sensible decision you could in the circumstances you've outlined. And sometimes it does take a strangers' eyes to put a situation into full perspective.

I say kudos to you.

Exactly this.

Totally agree..

Also to add.. Don't let him pressurise by arguments like "But how could you do this to me when I'm such a nice guy, I let your DD choose the curtains in one of the bedrooms."

He was willing to do that, but when you asked him repeatedly to let you know the financial expectations he was evasive. Now, surprise surprise, they are very unfavourable to you... but there's not time to think about it.. you just have to jump right now because ... Urgent Urgent Timeline... you'll be leaving him in the lurch.

If he says you led him on. You didn't . He led you on.

I am probably jumping the gun, but the first thing I thought when I read your post was that he may be lining you up as a future 'carer' for his parents and having you already in situ would be handy.

I think you need to work out what you consider fair, write down the specifics and the logic behind it and then it's up to him whether he can accept your terms.

Otherwise, don't move in and don't sell your place. Or sell your place, and ask him to put you on the mortgage/deeds and put a declaration of trust in place where you protect your assets.

Basically, if you are financially disadvantaging yourself and your asset will stop accruing value, you need to be compensated for that.

I don't think it should be split based on income percentage necessarily because your finances aren't joint and tied (so there's no reason he should subsidise just based on income level)

I had to laugh at this. CF! Not proposing is he? He does just want to squeeze you for help with mortgage. I’d be going further than not moving in with him. He needs dumping

I’d be asking about plans for care for the parents should they become infirm. As not only will you be paying half a mortgage on a property you don’t own you could get asked to provide care.

Do not move in with him or sell your house. I've missed your age but I suspect 50? Harder to get cheap mortgages.
Your adult DC will bounce back, mine did. This man has no DC so no one to share the caring of his parents with. You've been targeted for that. Will he pay for carers? His behaviour says not.
My parents lived with me in an annex and it nearly killed me as they got older. It's hard work even when you love them.

A tight fisted man doesn't love you. My DH would give me his last penny and has looked after me through serious illness. I can't see Mansion Man doing this for you. You'd be worried about security of a home if your not on the deeds.

And he could of paid for a holiday if you were a bit short. He's getting free sex so he's just a CF.
Throw him back, you're worth more and your kids would tell you that.

Apart from everything else- I would be careful here. His parents may be well now but in 10 or 20 years time they’ll need help and care and you will be roped in.
I would keep your independence, your financial security and your peace and stay exactly as you are.

@Ohnobackagain "If he is adamant you have to pay half the mortgage and it’s not just ‘token rent’ then you need some kind of agreement that you get half of any profit made, calculated from the day you start paying."

Not half of any profit made. Half of the value, minus his deposit.

That’s not viable for me anymore

Over the last couple of years I’ve spent so much time either with him, helping with the renovation or him being at my home meaning my renovation has stalled. I want to focus on that and building for myself now - his home is not local to mine it’s hours away.

Maybe slow down. If you like or love him just put forward your (perfectly reasonable) suggestion of splitting bills and not mortgage again and explaining why. Hopefully he’ll see sense. He can always get a lodger for the annexe to bring in extra mortgage income.

If you did move in, make sure you’re using your equity wisely so you can get a property in your own name and don’t leave if too long as you may get priced out. Ideally, marry soon after moving if that’s what you both want but it sounds like you have some reservations about him as a person. Listen to your gut.

Your past relationships have meant you've set the bar too low for future ones.

You need to exit this one -- financially abusive.

(I'm male, BTW).

yes.. and having sold your house, scrimping to contribute to the much higher living costs at 50-50 than you would pay if you stayed in your current home..which would impact how much you could save... how would you finance your own potential care needs in later life?

He needs to put her on the mortgage abd deeds so she's entitled to what she's paying for, just as he is.

Stay put. He doesn't have your best interest at heart. He sees you as a way to subsidise his lifestyle.

Even if you sort out the finances/get married, he’s still going to expect you to look after his parents if they need it in the future.

And to be grateful because it’ll enable you to pay him back for providing such a lovely house to live in.

Keep him as a bf. Don’t move in.

Well that's a very good answer to any potential guilt tripping if you keep your current arrangement.. You've already helped him greatly with free labour on renovating his asset - at the expense of your own renovation.

He’s planning to also move his parents in, how much of his mortgage is he going to ask them to pay. I think this is an unrealistic demand, I would only agree to pay if he put the property in your name as well, even if it means paying what he did in deposit. But TBH I wouldn’t do that either, it’ll make if a nightmare if you break up. If he truly wants to be with you he’d agree to you paying the cost of half a bedroom, which is all you’d get, if he’s not willing to do that then he doesn’t want to be with you enough and I’d end the relationship.

Your situation sounds similar to my sisters, she moved into a house his rich parents owned, after moving to his country and expected her to pay half the mortgage and help fund renovations. Everyone warned her, she didn’t listen, she then married and had kids with him and he has spent their entire relationship financially manipulating her and controlling her, she’s talked about leaving for decades but can’t afford to. It’s made her life miserable. This attitude is a big red flag and you shouldn’t ignore that because it will not get better. I have another friend who’s partner, through his manipulation, managed to convince her to sell her property then stole all her savings, she’s now 55 with nothing. The fact he’s putting pressure on you to accept sounds like he’s gaslighting you, which is also a big red flag. Be careful with this one, protect yourself and your assets and don’t get talked into anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. There is a huge number of 50 women suffering homelessness right now and a lot of it is because of the men they had in their lives.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but I wonder whether he has bought this house jointly with his parents. Possibly they sold their own property to enable them to do that.

I think that sometimes we just need to air what is bothering us.

And the responses are mostly agreeing with your thought process, so in a way, maybe you just needed a green light to do what you need to.... and to put yourself first.

I am early 50s and I can tell you it would have to take a lot for me to give up my live of peace and calm. And as sure as shit, that does not include making a man's life more comfortable and mine more uncomfortable.