To be worried about sex drugs I found

[TellmeImwrongnow]

Sorry for loooong message - I've literally just discovered this and been sat on the floor in the bathroom for 30 minutes wondering what to do.

DH of nearly 20 years has gone away with work so I was happily having a thorough spring clean and 'Sort Your Life Out' style tidy. Going through all the bathroom cupboards, consolidating multiple buys of things, getting rid of empty bottles, etc.

I had done mine, my children's stuff, travel bags, toiletries, and sorting through old bath toys to get rid of, but then I thought I might as well do his cupboard too - it was the last one.

I pulled everything out and found, right at the back...

1 temporary hair dye kit... that was weird enough. I was never aware he'd used hair dye and he's never told me about. He's never coloured his hair apart from for fancy dress, when it was a spray can job and I did it for him. The dried foam on the inside of the clear lid implies it's been used at least once.

1 brown cardboard delivery box with a 6 boxes of drugs in it. He takes heart and blood pressure stuff anyway, so assumed it was that. Pulled one out to consolidate with his other pills and realised...

It said on the box, "Take one 30 minutes before sex."

Now... he's never had any problem in that area, with me, anyway.

He's never told me he was getting these drugs.

I wouldn't have thought he taken one 30 minutes before being with me as it's never that premeditated.

It's not a medical prescription - he's bought them, clearly off some random company on the web. Which is worrying with his heart/blood pressure meds.

The delivery slip said 7 boxes, but there were only 6 remaining and one of them was empty (told you he was a hoarder), the other half-full. Each box contains 4 tablets, so that means 4+4+2 times he's used them already - ten times - and I've not been made aware of this.

There is a complication in our relationship as a few years ago I got cancer and had a double mastectomy. I have had reconstructions, but my relationship with my body has not been good since. I am covered in scars and don't have much feeling anyway.

That, with menopause and anxiety (I suspect also undiagnosed ADHD), the death of a parent and insecurity in my job...it has all completely killed my sex drive. So we don't have sex that often. And when we do, I can barely cope with penetration as it's so painful. HRT is not an option because of the cancer. So it's usually me pleasing him orally because I still love him and don't want him to miss out just because I don't feel sexy. To be honest, I love that I can still do that for him and get that reaction from him.

He is incredibly affectionate with me, has been so patient, loving, supportive and kind through the last few rocky years, and says that he's with me every step of the way and not going anywhere.

So until now, I had no reason to believe anything to the contrary.

I looked at the date of the drugs and they were bought 15 months AFTER my mastectomies when I was really not being sexual at all and 2 months before my second round of surgery so again, I wasn't having sex with him then either.

I wish I could remember how many times we've had sex in the last 3 years, but I'd struggle to say it was 10 times with all the surgeries and grief and anxiety and depression I've been going through. (I have recently gone to a doctor and asked for anti-anxiety meds as it's got really bad - I have an assessment and blood tests and an ECG to go through first)

I just thought how lucky was I to have this amazing patient saint of a man looking after me and being there for me.

Now of course I'm imagining the worst.

That, no wonder he's been smiling through all of this if he's getting his end away anyway and getting away with it.

I'm not a suspicious person, never had any reason to doubt him before (he doesn't even go out that much - he's a real homebody and family man, loves cooking and entertaining...) and have never even looked at his phone.

I'm not here to have everyone confirm my suspicions - I can see in black and white how this looks.

I'm asking MN here (if you can) to give me a perfectly reasonable, non-adulterous explanation for what I've found.

Might there be one?

I will speak to him tonight but won't see him till Wednesday.

Meanwhile I've got to be mum to our kids and act normal round them.

Do I bring it up with him? It will be easier to lie to my face with distance. What do I say? Or do I wait till he's back?

I'm now even doubting he's away with work. I've always trusted him all this time and all our friends and family think we're the best couple ever.

AIBU?

Yes - there may be a non-adulterous explanation (please do say!).

No - wise up woman FFS.

I'm really scared to press 'post' but here goes... (please be gentle).

Thank you for reading this far.

Nothing is ever that planned! x

It's never really called Viagra, lots of other names, he may be embarrassed about needing a bit of help so hasn't told you, and he may use it to masturbate too. You may think sex is more spontaneous than it actually is. Again dyeing his hair, he may be becoming conscious of his hair going grey or not looking as nice as it did, maybe tried it once and decided against, have you never tried any cosmetic (non invasive) enhancements and not told him? Give him a bit of privacy.

He is in the town where he said he would be.

What you just jump on him unexpectedly, while he's doing the washing up? Does he not go to wash if it's going to be oral or have a shower? Is it just random times in the day or night. Perhaps he doesn't always need it.

Viagra is actually called Viagra! It's a brand name. This is a different drug. Bought in the post. He's never had any issues there. And he's a silver fox with a full head of hair! As for my cosmetic enhancements - he knows - I dye my hair. Nothing else. He has plenty of privacy thank you - I already said, I don't check his digital devices. He goes away with work. I've never questioned anything before. The find was accidental. I wasn't snooping, I was tidying. And you forgot the bit about being gentle.

Honestly, it's usually me that initiates because he's worried about putting me under pressure. But I will thank you. x

The one my DH uses is not called Viagra and it is GP provided. And 20 minutes is enough. What do you think he used the hair dye for?

The empty box is up two flights of stairs. But the name really doesn't matter for the purposes of this thread!

I know my husband bought some sports performance enhancing drug off the internet and it said the same thing on the packaging. If you want to check the name of yours? I can go and try and find the one my husband has…

Yes, there are other brands. This one is not prescription which is part of the worry too considering his health conditions.

The dye is another mystery!

I have a massively overactive imagination and it instantly leapt to him using the dye to look younger on sex apps or in sex clubs which I know is just ludicrous and I absolutely don't think it's that.😅Worst case scenario in my head was he's doing it to impress a younger woman. I've literally no idea when he used it though as he's never dyed his hair other than spray in temporary stuff for fancy dress and I did that for him as he couldn't do the back and I have a much steadier hand!

I don't think the name matters for the purposes of the thread. I can't be arsed to go upstairs. Was bought off the internet and starts with a T. Thanks for the offer though!

Do you think he brought it up because he wanted to use it and was seeing how you'd react - but then when you were against it decided not to say anything and just to use it secretly when he went up to bed alone?

Alternatively my guess would be he's using prostitutes when he's away and taking the pills to combat the nerves - which is why he doesn't need them normally.

It's horrible OP to not know whether it's innocent or horrific. Personally I wouldn't confront him as he is bound to lie if it is the worst case scenario. Instead I would be counting the tablets and noticing when they're getting used. If the numbers are going down when he's going up to bed early then you know you probably have nothing to worry about. If they're disappearing when he goes away then I'd be much more concerned.

I'm guessing you haven't been with someone for nearly 20 years.

If he's doing the washing up, arguably that's better than sex...

I think the name is important. It would give you and us more clarity on what exactly they are. Weird that you won’t go and check.

@toomuchfaff
if you’re going to use AI to generate and paste a response, I think you should label it as such

DH has got a heart condition, and can't use Viagra/Cialis or any other meds. It made him really unwell when our GP prescribed a low dose one.

I would put the boxes out in front of him, and say how worried you are that he's taking meds that appear to be off the internet. If he had a bad reaction, you'd be clueless to tell a medical team and it could mean a delay in treatment for him. And potentially very serious.

I'd tackle the why he's using it after to be honest. He's being very reckless why ever he's using them.

It’s unlikely any ED drugs would be prescribed by GP, more likely bought online because most men would be embarrassed about discussing with a Dr.
In order to put your mind at rest I would google this particular tablet to check what contraindications it has with heart conditions. Presumably your DH will have been sensible enough to choose one that is OK.

🤣🤣.
I wouldn't leap to him using the medication to cheat.
Leaving the tablets in the family bathroom ( whether you expect anyone else to look in the cupboard or not) isn't exactly the behaviour of a lying, cheating snake.

That first paragraph is highly plausible. I said no because of his health conditions, so he's clearly decided to not care about with that.

As for the 2nd para, well, there's a scenario I hadn't considered. And it's not a ridiculous one, but I'm struggling to match that with the man I thought I knew. I think that would seriously give him the ick.

I'm not sure I'd be able to keep schtum till he next goes away. But actually he's on a boys' weekend next weekend so maybe I can. That does feel like actual snooping though. But it's not a dumb idea.

But it's going to be obvious I've been in his cupboard as it was a tip before and now it's really tidy! So he'll probably question me before I question him if I say nothing!

You've put a whole new spin on things. Thank you.

This will probably be a very unpopular approach but if it was me in your situation I would have a snoop on his phone / laptop. That’s just I would do. There are lots of other potential explanations though.

Also if he’s on other meds he really should consult a doctor before popping boner pills.

I actually don't know what I'd even be looking for or where. He's taken digital devices with him. And I don't know his logins.

That second point is my concern if he's getting sh*t off the dark web without consultations.

just for clarification is it a similar drug to viagra - just a different brand or is it for something else? That’s not clear from the post. I would also suggest you count them and see if they are being used next weekend. It might be worth trying to put his cabinets back to the way they were and hopefully he won’t notice. Finally- many men dye their hair and don’t tell anyone- even their wives - he is entitled to his privacy

what is the drug? Might make a difference to discussions

Tadalafil is the generic drug also marketed as Cialis.

But the whole concern here is that they don't have a pharmacy label on meaning they likely weren't prescribed.

i wouldn’t presume this is cheating. He may have just wanted to try it, considering he’s only used a couple of the pills it’s really not anything to worry about on its own.