To be worried about sex drugs I found

[TellmeImwrongnow]

Sorry for loooong message - I've literally just discovered this and been sat on the floor in the bathroom for 30 minutes wondering what to do.

DH of nearly 20 years has gone away with work so I was happily having a thorough spring clean and 'Sort Your Life Out' style tidy. Going through all the bathroom cupboards, consolidating multiple buys of things, getting rid of empty bottles, etc.

I had done mine, my children's stuff, travel bags, toiletries, and sorting through old bath toys to get rid of, but then I thought I might as well do his cupboard too - it was the last one.

I pulled everything out and found, right at the back...

1 temporary hair dye kit... that was weird enough. I was never aware he'd used hair dye and he's never told me about. He's never coloured his hair apart from for fancy dress, when it was a spray can job and I did it for him. The dried foam on the inside of the clear lid implies it's been used at least once.

1 brown cardboard delivery box with a 6 boxes of drugs in it. He takes heart and blood pressure stuff anyway, so assumed it was that. Pulled one out to consolidate with his other pills and realised...

It said on the box, "Take one 30 minutes before sex."

Now... he's never had any problem in that area, with me, anyway.

He's never told me he was getting these drugs.

I wouldn't have thought he taken one 30 minutes before being with me as it's never that premeditated.

It's not a medical prescription - he's bought them, clearly off some random company on the web. Which is worrying with his heart/blood pressure meds.

The delivery slip said 7 boxes, but there were only 6 remaining and one of them was empty (told you he was a hoarder), the other half-full. Each box contains 4 tablets, so that means 4+4+2 times he's used them already - ten times - and I've not been made aware of this.

There is a complication in our relationship as a few years ago I got cancer and had a double mastectomy. I have had reconstructions, but my relationship with my body has not been good since. I am covered in scars and don't have much feeling anyway.

That, with menopause and anxiety (I suspect also undiagnosed ADHD), the death of a parent and insecurity in my job...it has all completely killed my sex drive. So we don't have sex that often. And when we do, I can barely cope with penetration as it's so painful. HRT is not an option because of the cancer. So it's usually me pleasing him orally because I still love him and don't want him to miss out just because I don't feel sexy. To be honest, I love that I can still do that for him and get that reaction from him.

He is incredibly affectionate with me, has been so patient, loving, supportive and kind through the last few rocky years, and says that he's with me every step of the way and not going anywhere.

So until now, I had no reason to believe anything to the contrary.

I looked at the date of the drugs and they were bought 15 months AFTER my mastectomies when I was really not being sexual at all and 2 months before my second round of surgery so again, I wasn't having sex with him then either.

I wish I could remember how many times we've had sex in the last 3 years, but I'd struggle to say it was 10 times with all the surgeries and grief and anxiety and depression I've been going through. (I have recently gone to a doctor and asked for anti-anxiety meds as it's got really bad - I have an assessment and blood tests and an ECG to go through first)

I just thought how lucky was I to have this amazing patient saint of a man looking after me and being there for me.

Now of course I'm imagining the worst.

That, no wonder he's been smiling through all of this if he's getting his end away anyway and getting away with it.

I'm not a suspicious person, never had any reason to doubt him before (he doesn't even go out that much - he's a real homebody and family man, loves cooking and entertaining...) and have never even looked at his phone.

I'm not here to have everyone confirm my suspicions - I can see in black and white how this looks.

I'm asking MN here (if you can) to give me a perfectly reasonable, non-adulterous explanation for what I've found.

Might there be one?

I will speak to him tonight but won't see him till Wednesday.

Meanwhile I've got to be mum to our kids and act normal round them.

Do I bring it up with him? It will be easier to lie to my face with distance. What do I say? Or do I wait till he's back?

I'm now even doubting he's away with work. I've always trusted him all this time and all our friends and family think we're the best couple ever.

AIBU?

Yes - there may be a non-adulterous explanation (please do say!).

No - wise up woman FFS.

I'm really scared to press 'post' but here goes... (please be gentle).

Thank you for reading this far.

OP, I feel like your original find didn't have the hallmarks of someone playing away, and his explanation doesn't either, I think you did the right thing by talking it through. I hope this puts your mind at rest and you can carry on using them or not as required!

Reading your earlier posts, first thought: prostitutes, on the boys' weekends.

You say no-one would be interested in this group of middleaged men - prostitutes.

Even after your update, where he sounds like a kind man who would not want to hurt your feelings and clearly cares about you very much - prostitutes.

gl.ad all is well he still shouldnt buy stuff off the internet whilst hes on other medication without checking with a doctor for his own well being

Just for extra reassurance @TellmeImwrongnow, erectile drugs of many generic types are available over the counter at UK pharmacies, so he may well have bought them at your local Lloyds or Boots rather than the internet. Reading your earlier posts I was going to recommend a straight ask, I see you did that, glad you had the expected (by me) outcome.

Sometimes, things are exactly as they are!

They were in "1 brown cardboard delivery box with a 6 boxes of drugs in it", so most likely bought over the internet.

Delivery note says 7 boxes. 6 in there. He doesn't need all 7 boxes at once!!!

Oh dear! This was seriously my last thought - someone else brought it up. I trust his explanation is true. I trust him.

It can be dangerous for someone with heart trouble, yes.

Well done @TellmeImwrongnow
I'm glad you've asked your husband and that he's reassured you.

Cialis?

i'm glad he reassured you. All is well.

AFAIK the tadafil diverts blood supply to where it is needed. If you are taking blood pressure medication it reduces your blood pressure. Taking both is a problem in some people. One of the side effects of blood pressure drugs is ED. Read the Package Insert Leaflet or look at the British National Formulary bnf.nice.org.uk/

If you buy Viagra over the counter you will have an interview with the pharmacist they can do this sort of thing nowadays no need for a GP. When you purchase over the internet from someone like Boots there is an online questionaire that is reviewed by a HCP. Clearly if you decide to lie to them that is at your own risk.

This ^

dangerously LOW blood pressure is the problem from a heart attack point of view

I hope said 'friends' have since been binned off, who needs enemies eh!

Hugs OP, think it's good you came on to talk it all through x

This was my first thought too. He may not want to add to your anxiety so takes them before initiating. If this is the case, he will be heartbroken that in finding them this has caused you so much worry. He may feel embarrassed so I’d advise to approach it calmly and with curiosity. Everything will be ok.x

Viagra. No big deal
lots of men suffer with ED from time to time

I know this sort of an aside and not addressing your main problem. You say you can't use something like Ovestin because of the hormone cancer link but have you considered Replens? It is a vaginal "moisturiser" which you insert every couple of days - it is not hormone based but some women find it makes things much more comfortable. I am allergic to almost everything and I have no problems with using it.

Sildenifil?

You’ve been with him twenty years. You have speculated endlessly on this thread with posters and increasingly spiralled.l. Dont make things worse for yourself! Just get through next couple of days, maybe tell a close friend and then talk to him on Wednesday.

This must be a shock , I wouldn't automatically jump to cheating but wait until you can talk face to face without giving him time to come up with something.l to placate you. You'll be able to tell by his face whether its innocent or not. Could you do any digging on this boys retreat thing? He could be going away for other reasons and its for sexual gain .

There is no way he's telling the truth. You sounds extremely naive

That's excellent news

Did he explain why he purchased the tablets even though you and he had discussed him NOT using anything , because of his current health issues?

I think this is my main beef. If he had dropped down with a heart attack you would have had no idea he'd been taking potentially dangerous (to him) pills

Did he explain this?

I trust him too, OP. He sounds really nice and normal. Most regular men do not use sex workers. Most people can't stomach the thought of rubbing their bits against bits that have themselves been rubbed against hundreds and hundreds of other bits. It's the fast livers and Dirty Harrys or else super-wealthy of the world who are up for all that. Regular folk would rather die alone than do it with someone who wouldn't touch you with a bargepole if they weren't being paid. I really, really think it takes a certain type of person to use sex workers, and your husband sounds far too normal for that.

I'm so glad you talked and that there's a simple explanation.

RTFT.