To be worried about sex drugs I found

[TellmeImwrongnow]

Sorry for loooong message - I've literally just discovered this and been sat on the floor in the bathroom for 30 minutes wondering what to do.

DH of nearly 20 years has gone away with work so I was happily having a thorough spring clean and 'Sort Your Life Out' style tidy. Going through all the bathroom cupboards, consolidating multiple buys of things, getting rid of empty bottles, etc.

I had done mine, my children's stuff, travel bags, toiletries, and sorting through old bath toys to get rid of, but then I thought I might as well do his cupboard too - it was the last one.

I pulled everything out and found, right at the back...

1 temporary hair dye kit... that was weird enough. I was never aware he'd used hair dye and he's never told me about. He's never coloured his hair apart from for fancy dress, when it was a spray can job and I did it for him. The dried foam on the inside of the clear lid implies it's been used at least once.

1 brown cardboard delivery box with a 6 boxes of drugs in it. He takes heart and blood pressure stuff anyway, so assumed it was that. Pulled one out to consolidate with his other pills and realised...

It said on the box, "Take one 30 minutes before sex."

Now... he's never had any problem in that area, with me, anyway.

He's never told me he was getting these drugs.

I wouldn't have thought he taken one 30 minutes before being with me as it's never that premeditated.

It's not a medical prescription - he's bought them, clearly off some random company on the web. Which is worrying with his heart/blood pressure meds.

The delivery slip said 7 boxes, but there were only 6 remaining and one of them was empty (told you he was a hoarder), the other half-full. Each box contains 4 tablets, so that means 4+4+2 times he's used them already - ten times - and I've not been made aware of this.

There is a complication in our relationship as a few years ago I got cancer and had a double mastectomy. I have had reconstructions, but my relationship with my body has not been good since. I am covered in scars and don't have much feeling anyway.

That, with menopause and anxiety (I suspect also undiagnosed ADHD), the death of a parent and insecurity in my job...it has all completely killed my sex drive. So we don't have sex that often. And when we do, I can barely cope with penetration as it's so painful. HRT is not an option because of the cancer. So it's usually me pleasing him orally because I still love him and don't want him to miss out just because I don't feel sexy. To be honest, I love that I can still do that for him and get that reaction from him.

He is incredibly affectionate with me, has been so patient, loving, supportive and kind through the last few rocky years, and says that he's with me every step of the way and not going anywhere.

So until now, I had no reason to believe anything to the contrary.

I looked at the date of the drugs and they were bought 15 months AFTER my mastectomies when I was really not being sexual at all and 2 months before my second round of surgery so again, I wasn't having sex with him then either.

I wish I could remember how many times we've had sex in the last 3 years, but I'd struggle to say it was 10 times with all the surgeries and grief and anxiety and depression I've been going through. (I have recently gone to a doctor and asked for anti-anxiety meds as it's got really bad - I have an assessment and blood tests and an ECG to go through first)

I just thought how lucky was I to have this amazing patient saint of a man looking after me and being there for me.

Now of course I'm imagining the worst.

That, no wonder he's been smiling through all of this if he's getting his end away anyway and getting away with it.

I'm not a suspicious person, never had any reason to doubt him before (he doesn't even go out that much - he's a real homebody and family man, loves cooking and entertaining...) and have never even looked at his phone.

I'm not here to have everyone confirm my suspicions - I can see in black and white how this looks.

I'm asking MN here (if you can) to give me a perfectly reasonable, non-adulterous explanation for what I've found.

Might there be one?

I will speak to him tonight but won't see him till Wednesday.

Meanwhile I've got to be mum to our kids and act normal round them.

Do I bring it up with him? It will be easier to lie to my face with distance. What do I say? Or do I wait till he's back?

I'm now even doubting he's away with work. I've always trusted him all this time and all our friends and family think we're the best couple ever.

AIBU?

Yes - there may be a non-adulterous explanation (please do say!).

No - wise up woman FFS.

I'm really scared to press 'post' but here goes... (please be gentle).

Thank you for reading this far.

Some men do use viagra to masturbate - genuinely - particularly older men. But I think this deserves a honest conversation, of course it does. But it needs to be face to face and it needs to be away from everyone else, you need to carve out some time to tell him what you've found and just say that you don't want to make any assumptions and just need him to tell you the truth. One thing that came to mind for me was that although this was in 'his' cupboard, it was in the family bathroom where anyone could find it, which doesn't strike me as particularly secretive. But as I say, there are reasons why you are feeling vulnerable in this area which are completely understandable and all you want is the truth, which you are very much entitled to. Sending love in the meantime, try not to dwell, it's just a shock at the moment because it's new and raw, but try and keep yourself busy in the next few days until you can have a calm conversation with him.

Thank you - I hadn't even considered the self-pleasing aspect. He does tend to go to bed before me. It was in 'his' cupboard yes, but tucked right at the back behind so much clutter, he probably wouldn't think anyone would look anyway (certainly not the kids!).

Thank you for being so kind. I can't believe I can't speak to him about this till Wednesday. I might self-implode.

You’re not unreasonable for feeling shaken — anyone would be after finding that. But you are jumping straight to the worst-case scenario when there are other explanations that fit what you’ve described just as well, if not better.

From what you’ve said, your husband has been consistently present, affectionate and supportive through a really difficult few years. That matters, and it doesn’t line up neatly with someone living a double life.

Those tablets are very commonly used for performance anxiety, not just “can’t function at all.” Given how infrequent and pressured sex has become (understandably, with everything you’ve been through), it’s entirely plausible he’s been worried about “getting it right” when it does happen and didn’t want to add any more pressure on you by bringing it up. A lot of men would feel embarrassed admitting that, especially in a long marriage.

There’s also the less talked-about but realistic possibility he’s used them solo during a long dry spell. Not glamorous, but human.

None of that means you ignore it — but it does mean you shouldn’t go in assuming betrayal.

I wouldn’t wait until Wednesday. Sitting on this will just let your mind run away with you. Speak to him sooner, calmly, and stick to facts rather than accusations:
“I found these while cleaning and it’s unsettled me a bit — I didn’t know you were using them.”

Then let him explain.

His reaction will tell you far more than the tablets themselves.

Right now, this looks just as likely to be about awkwardness, pressure and lack of communication as it does anything else. Don’t turn it into something bigger without giving him the chance to explain.

i don’t think you should speak to him until you see him face to face. You need to be able to see his reaction.

You say he’s a homebody but he’s away this week? Is he often away for work?

Oh god, I’m sorry op, I can see why you’re spinning. It could well be for sorting himself out. How old is he? Like pp, I think it’s a stretch to think he’d leave something really incriminating in the family bathroom?
Personally, although it will be hard, I’d say nothing until he’s home. IF and it’s a big IF, something untoward is happening, it’s far harder to lie face to face. You’ve been together 20 years, you must know him well. Ask him, if he’s lying, you’ll know.
As for where he is now? Do you have that 360 thing? Or find my IPhone?

It is hard when you have to wait isn't it? And it's horrible when a situation sends your mind racing in all directions because you don't have enough information to hand. But I honestly believe that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt - like being honest until proven guilty - but that he also needs to give you not just a believable reason for why he has these in his possession but a timeline of how and why he decided to buy them. Until that point you could drive yourself mad thinking all manner of things, but do try to distract yourself from doing that. Are there any boxsets you have been meaning to get your teeth into? Or is there a hobby that you can throw yourself into for a bit? Try and take up the 'thinking time' between now and then as it won't help you to go down rabbit holes, it will only distress you. As I say, it's important to talk to him face to face - you know him so well so you will know from his body language as much as from what he says if he is being truthful. I hope that he's just got a bit of an embarrassing 'personal gratification' reason - which actually isn't embarrassing at all.

You don't need a prescription to buy ED drugs. You can buy Viagra etc otc from all pharmacies...so it's a bit weird if he bought it on the black market.

I guess he's embarrassed about the fact he sometimes needs it. And didn't know how to bring it up in conversation? Is he the type to not like talking about your sex life?

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing with fury. I can imagine if I was a man I might be ashamed if I was kinda old school. Tell him you don't want him to hide medical things from you in future though.

About 4 times a year (quarterly) and a couple of boys' weekends a year. He's also just signed up to some men's programme that has a retreat this year (asked me first and of course I said yes). But he doesn't go out much other than that. He doesn't really have a social life!

Thank you again for being kind and giving me some perspective. I was chatting to my best friend earlier and can't even tell her this - so thank you for the kindness of strangers.

It's not Viagra - it's something else I can't remember the name of. We had discussed Viagra a few years ago - more for a fun thing to go longer, than a need thing - but I was not up for it because of his heart and blood pressure medication.

So communication is normally good around most things. We've even had couples therapy in the past when we weren't getting on too great after our second child was born (I had PND which didn't help).

I guess he is a bit old school with his values - we both are.

Good point about hiding medical things - thank you.

About 4 times a year (quarterly) and a couple of boys' weekends a year. He's also just signed up to some men's programme that has a retreat this year (asked me first and of course I said yes). But he doesn't go out much other than that. He doesn't really have a social life!

It's REALLY hard! I keep watching home-improvement/decluttering/makeover shows for a hobby so that's not going to help!

I do have a book to get on with. So maybe that!

What’s your sex life like with him?

And I’m guessing you have existing trust issues re him?

He could have got them because he was feeling anxious about having sex with you during your treatment and wanted to make sure that there were no issues with his performance that could make you feel insecure. You may not have done it often but he could have been taking them in preparation for if you do have sex. Is it him that has initiated when you have had sex?
Maybe he initiates after he has taken the meds.
You need to talk to him, he may have a perfectly reasonable explanation that gives you the reassurance you need.

If you can’t remember the name… surely just go and get it?

Sorry - I think I've said all that in the post?! No trust issues so far, no,

The tablets are presumably with you in the house - what’s their name?

So if no trust issues in 20 years…. Then I’d be optimistic.

Ooh what are you reading? I have two on the go - Hooked by Asako Yuzuki which I admittedly bought in Sainsburys because it was half of the cover price plus there was gold foil on the front and my nails are currently gold foil! Insert monkey head in hands emoji here right?! But also the blurb sounded good!

And also Death in Her Hands by Ottessa Mosfegh because everything she has written I have loved. She's a really different kind of writer, a bit brutal and cold, but so, so clever.

I'm also working my way through Kath and Kim on Netflix all over again - not the movies though, they were a bit random! It was a bit of a staple in my youth and one of my best mates and I still call each other Kim and quote it! (And then hope there are no Australians in the vicinity as we do the accent too - e.g. in the pub: "Do you want another vino Kimmy? "Of course I do Kim, don't be stupid, that would be noice!" I know, I know, there is no hope for us!)

I can understand your surprise but I think you’ve made quite the leap here to assume he’s sleeping around. Why would he need medication for an exciting affair but not for stuff with you? Personally, and of course I would well be wrong, but I would have assumed without full penetration or regular sex, combined with being older and on medication himself, he’s worried that he won’t be able to get there without the medication, and he’s not told you as he doesnt want to make you feel insecure about yourself after your operation and struggles with sex etc.

Using hair dye without telling you…. well he doesn’t need to mention it really. He can feel insecure about his grays without being a cheat.

You should bring it up and see what he says, but I can’t see any reason at all to assume the worst.

What difference does it make? I don’t mean it in the snippy way it probably sounds, but why do you need to know?

You say you give him oral, do you surprise him with this or do you let him know before that it is on the table if he wants it? Could it be that if he knows about it he takes a tablet before? Maybe he’s having some issues and is embarrassed to say so has kept it to himself

Some medications for heart conditions and high blood pressure can cause ED. It seems more likely he bought the tablets to ensure he is able to perform when you are able to.

Butter by the same! :)

Love Kath & Kim - thank you! x

Just one point strikes me - if DH were going to use the tablets with someone else while he was away, why are they in the cupboard now?