To think it’s none of relatives business how we spend our weekends?

[Moreminieggs13]

Both of our dc play competitive sport. It can involve a lot of travelling and it’s a big commitment. This means that dh and I are out with the dc for several hours at weekends. Plus there are evening sessions that we/they have to attend.

By the time we’ve been out, we want some time to do some housework, go to the shops, have dinner, relax and watch a bit of TV, there isn’t much time left.

Before when our dc were little we used to spend a lot of time visiting relatives, or having them over to ours, this would take up a big chunk of our weekends and often involved early morning visits.

I found it a bit suffocating to be honest but always felt that it was expected of us, for example my in laws expected that we’d see them Saturday and Sunday mornings.

Anyway since the dc have been playing sport we obviously haven’t had the time for the visits and we get loads of snide remarks about it.

At first we’d get constant early morning phone calls about visiting even though we already said that we were out at sports events now.

Then the comments came about how it’s all too much and how we never have any time, how we are always at sports. Then they’d try to plan things in knowing we wouldn’t be able to do it and saying thinks like “ugh I suppose you’ll be out doing xxx, it’s all you ever do”.

Aibu to think we can do what we like and that visiting relatives doesn’t take precedent over our children’s hobbies.

Ah so they want your busy life to fit around their schedule? Got it.

Carry on as you are and let them whinge. If it escalates, simply pull back.

Why? Surely if the OP is happy to do it and they enjoy it, why is it ridiculous? Just because it’s not something you would do, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Maybe people think that your mindset is ridiculous!

Ignore them all. Keep your DCs involved in their hobby, too many children get into trouble because they lack meaningful hobbies and this continues into adulthood. If family want to get involved and watch, great. If not, they miss out. Children may not go on to be champions at their chosen hobby but they don’t need to. They’re learning the importance or practicing to improve, resilience when something doesn’t go well and teamwork. It’s something they can use to stay fit, build a social life and contribute with volunteering as an adult. If FIL can’t give up a Friday evening in the pub, children should not have to give up a training session.

Why are you letting these comments get to you? You know you are doing the right thing supporting your DC. You've given these family members the option to come along and watch the sports, and offered other times to catch up. You can't control what people say, and these ones sound a tad strange, but you can control how worked up you get about it.

These people simply cannot see the hypocrisy that they have their hobbies but we are wrong for ours.

We had family telling us off for doing anything - though sibling kids were fine to out and about.

Had IL complain about kids having things on weekends when they wanted to visist and not wanting visits on run up to exams - but while they grumbled to occaionally and did get it but they did understand and often went along with kids to stuff. My own paresst used to moan and sometimes not even see relatives from other side or world back on trips if they didn't travel to their front door.

It soon passes anyway - kids stopped doing activties so much at weekends and exam years aren't forever. You just need to occaionally vent and mostly ignore.

I do think perhaps you've been too nice - 8 am on Christmas - if your DH won't say anything you should.

Exactly this. We had the same situation.
Also, if they are in these teams, you can't just say... DC is not turning up to this important match because they have to have lunch with their Grandma. Not if you want to continue on the team. We also had out of school events, school friends birthday parties etc at the weekend. All of these things are really important and they don't want to miss out. PILs never wanted to go anywhere or do anything or took any real interest in what they were doing, everything revlved around the "lunch chat" and for very active teenagers with loads of sport and coursework piling up that's a really hard sell.
OP your PILs have the option to fit in with your timetables if they really want to.

Having rtft it seems like you aren't keen on their hobbies monopolising all your week-ends. What happens when children are invited to bday parties- they decline ? And homework- mine always have homework to do during the week-end as well. It just seems very suffocating as a hobby. Not saying you should spend all your time with relatives but surely you would like a breather @Moreminieggs13 ? Unless the kids are so good at their sport that they can (and want) to pursue it professionnally I can't see any reason spending every single week-end doing it.

I think just throw back times to them when you are available, even if you know they’ll turn you down.

So ask them if they want to come for tea on Friday or Saturday. Or we could come to you if it’s easier.

They say they’re too busy, so ask them about the following week. If they mention Saturday morning, counter with ‘sorry can’t make that, how about Wednesday evening?’.

If they still harp on, then just say ‘Look, we can do any evening you like but you know we are busy weekend mornings so why do you keep going on about it?’

Been here OP I'm in a similar position to you both my DC play high level sports and it's hectic with training and weekend schedules, me & DH often have to split to get each to their sports as schedule clash etc...... Also had the comments from both sets of parents about "doing too much" and some catty comments from my siblings...... IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE! I had my kids to give them the best I could and to give them all the opportunities I could (like most of us do) my kids love their sports and they sacrifice alot to commit to it so me and DH do too and that will continue for aslong as they need/want us to.

I genuinely believe sometimes these comments we get come from a bitter jealous place in all honesty and I just don't entertain it now. Rise above it, invite them over when it's convenient for you, if they decline then it's on them. FUCK EM I say :)

How do people, who see the sports as a ridiculous amount of time, think Olympians are made? Ignore the family comments OP and anyone else's.

OP, I think some of it you just have to smile nicely and put up with. Often with the elderly, they have forgotten the fine balancing act of working full time, only having weekends and juggling kids social and sporting activities - plus the actually need for your own downtime. They have so much time on their hands in comparison as that stage of life is done, they simply forget as they have lots of time in comparison.

Keep doing what you’re doing. In a few years the likelihood pace of life will change again and you’ll likely have more time we hobbies change etc. Relatives just need to suck it up.

If the comments really bug you, call them out on the fact they’re more than welcome to attend the sporting events and it’s their choice not too - invites always open.

Our DC did lots of sports and DH also coached DS in two of them. We spent hours at weekends and during the week on pitches and sports halls…and thoroughly enjoyed it.
They’re grown up and we miss not being as involved anymore.
Maybe you could cajole them with the odd Sunday lunch/dinner and also more visits during quiet times, which most sports have.

In that case every time it’s mentioned or they try to visit at an unhelpful time I would respond “yes it’s such a shame you’re not able to come to the match to cheer them on, but we do understand. Let us know if something changes”

If that’s what you’ve taken from what I’ve said then I don’t think you can possibly have rtft.

YANBU. It’s up to you how you spend your time, not your sister, not your PIL and not randomers on MN. Your in laws are being inflexible and want you to always fit in with their schedule. I don’t know with your sister, loneliness? jealousy? Any of them are welcome to come and watch your children play their sport or to come round on Friday evening or in the school holidays.

I have wondered if there is some jealousy/bitterness.

Fil by his own admission wasn’t a hands on parent, he work most weekends and spend Friday nights in the pub.

It’s evident from some of the comments on here that some people just can’t understand it when you’re committed to a hobby. They don’t seem to understand that you can’t just opt out be sure granny fancies popping round for a cup of tea.

You make the commitment and you go with it, just because others wouldn’t choose to do it, some of us do.

Exactly! It's nothing to do with anyone what you, DH and your DC chose to do with your time. Would they rather their grandkids be sat glued to a screen and stuffing their faces with junk? I think we are teaching our kids good habits not only are they active and fit they are learning to be resilient, strong, confident individuals and to see that you have to work hard for the things you really want and make sacrifices along the way too. I'm proud I'm bringing up 2 hardworking young men.
People don't realise how hard children's competitive sports can be at times certainly the sport mine play it's cut throat and a bloody meat market tbh but they love it.

So the hissy fit from sibling is likely jealousy rooted (either they don’t have kids excelling or enthusiastically enjoying their sports, or they are lonely/lacking a social network and you have betrayed them by not being available now). Just ignore, other than continuing to offer to catch up in half terms/holidays or for that Friday evening takeaway.

But PiL.s are clearly retired, have their weeks free and their failure to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them - ie that you are not their weekend entertainment - is something they will have to get over. It’s self-indulgent and it prioritises their wants over the needs of your children and family. I’d actually tell them that. I’d also tell them that it is hurtful that they can’t be bothered to come and support their grandkids occasionally at the more significant sporting events, after which there could be a family meal with them involved. So, again, just ignore.

You would only be unreasonable if you don’t leave the door open for them to fit in if they choose to do so. My sons also play sport, as they got older they started playing matches on weekends, my parents would generally know what was happening when, it would be mentioned he’s got a home game this weekend etc. My mum would moan that they’re doing too much, my dad got himself a fold out chair & a thermos & spends a couple of hours every weekend watching a sport he doesn’t know the rules of to spend time with his grandkids. If they want to be involved they will, on the children’s terms. Subsequently the relationship my dad has with my kids is very different to that which my mum has, they both had the same information, they’ve just chose to act on it differently. If you make it clear to in-laws we are at at this place at this time & you are more than welcome, then they cannot complain, however if all they get is “we’re busy” I could see why they feel a bit shut out & defensive.

If just respond with 'yeah, you guessed it. We're at acrobatics'. or whatever. Just ignore their negativity. If anything they need to know that pressuring people doesn't make them more likely to socialise.

I don't know, I think there does need to be some balance, it does seem a shame that your kids aren't really seeing much of their family.

I get not being able to do the weekend mornings, but that should be it surely? Can't in-laws/you drop in on the other on the way back from the sport for a couple of hours? Or come for dinner one weeknight (not Friday if they are busy).

With your sister it sounds like she is wanting to meet up here and there, not frequently - surely this could be doable?

That said, there of course needs to be flexibility on both sides, in-laws need to be flexible too.

if i was in your shoes id be tempted to set up a family whatapp group

normally i absolutely cringe at people doing this but in your case it may work

make posts visible to only in laws and siblings or anyone who has negative comments to say

post lots of lovely photos of your kids doing their sports and all the awards trophies and shear joy you and your family get out of it

if that doesn’t stop the snide comments then have a word face to face or via the whapapp if you are a coward

“dear all we are prioritising or kids sporting endeavours as we are really committed to to this snd want them to achieve all they can and take sport seriously at the moment , we all derive a great deal more of pleasure out if it as a family unit, we are loving this time together and hope it continues for years to come. This means we do sadly see less of you but please be assured we love you all snd you are always welcome to accompany us at weekends and join in the fun . “

if that doesn't stop it then you go hard snd firm with the offender till they shut up

Yes you can do what you like. I grew up seeing my granny about once a year. However, I think you're slightly disingenuous about the sport being the reason why. If they have a match at the weekend, even with travel to and from, i don't see it stopping you have a Sunday roast with family, or meeting them one afternoon for a walk and a pub trip. Not that you have to, obviously, do whatever you wish with your time! I'd stop blaming the sport and maybe just be honest "we are very busy, with a busy family life and we want to spend out weekends as a 4 - sorry" and then maybe schedule the odd weekend for them, or the odd activity (if you value having them in your lives at all, you may not, in which case don't worry about it!)

“Before when our dc were little we used to spend a lot of time visiting relatives, or having them over to ours”

Your relatives clearly want to spend time with you and your children, which is lovely. It sounds a little like you were happy with this arrangement when it suited you but now it’s no longer convenient they have to put up, which seems to lack empathy. Of course they’re not going to suddenly not want to see or speak to their grandchildren just because they’ve started playing sport.

Why don’t you make plans to see them once every couple of weeks, at a time that works for you. I’m sure you could host them once a month for an afternoon, and the fortnight in between go to visit them, or meet them somewhere such as a park with coffee shop for a couple of hours.

So they want to see you at a time when it suits them and if you cant/wont its YOUR fault for having commitments and not theirs for being inflexible?

Stuff that.

Maybe the odd comment back like "Well we asked you round last Friday but FIL was going to the pub ....again..... he goes there so much doesnt he?" Or "We could pop round on Saturday evening but you are always with your friends, which is a shame!"