To think it’s none of relatives business how we spend our weekends?

[Moreminieggs13]

Both of our dc play competitive sport. It can involve a lot of travelling and it’s a big commitment. This means that dh and I are out with the dc for several hours at weekends. Plus there are evening sessions that we/they have to attend.

By the time we’ve been out, we want some time to do some housework, go to the shops, have dinner, relax and watch a bit of TV, there isn’t much time left.

Before when our dc were little we used to spend a lot of time visiting relatives, or having them over to ours, this would take up a big chunk of our weekends and often involved early morning visits.

I found it a bit suffocating to be honest but always felt that it was expected of us, for example my in laws expected that we’d see them Saturday and Sunday mornings.

Anyway since the dc have been playing sport we obviously haven’t had the time for the visits and we get loads of snide remarks about it.

At first we’d get constant early morning phone calls about visiting even though we already said that we were out at sports events now.

Then the comments came about how it’s all too much and how we never have any time, how we are always at sports. Then they’d try to plan things in knowing we wouldn’t be able to do it and saying thinks like “ugh I suppose you’ll be out doing xxx, it’s all you ever do”.

Aibu to think we can do what we like and that visiting relatives doesn’t take precedent over our children’s hobbies.

Before replying can people at least skim read ops replies.

You can filter by op to save having to read through every single post.

Re your siblings disappointment, I can ‘kind’ of understand as I had a similar situation years ago where both my nieces were busy doing their activities all weekend, every weekend. So the window of opportunity to see them was very limited as we lived over an hour away so couldn’t just pop in during the week.

Anyway although it was a little frustrating I would never have dreamed of making my sister feel guilty. I accepted it and just got on with my life!

It’s horrible to feel like people are making demands of your time especially when you’re offering up other options which they decline.

So when they bring it up again that’s exactly what I would say:
“look we have offered you several alternatives to see us, all of which you have said no to. That’s your choice, but do not continue to guilt trip me because you aren’t getting your own way”

the end.

I wouldn't share my time with anyone who tried to dictate my life

Dd weekly boards and so we only get to spend time together on weekends. I had to be very clear with my friends, let alone family, that I would be prioritising spending time with her. I think most families barely see each other in the week, so if you earmark a whole day of your precious free time to be without your kids or entertaining another family it can feel like you aren't really seeing them at all.

Don’t change OP. Your family enjoy what you are doing and so long as you are all happy that’s all that matters. You aren’t dragging one non competing sibling to spend hours watching their sibling or anything like that so crack on as you are I say. It’s a good thing for your kids to be active and involved in something on weekend mornings which can often pass by withiut kich achieved anyway.

The only thing you (both you and DH) have done wrong is not laying out firmer boundaries a long time ago with PIL. There is no way I’d get into a set pattern of visits on weekend mornings - never mind BOTH weekend mornings. That’s madness. I couldn’t stand such a prescriptive visit schedule. It’s coming back to bite you as you are now changing the goal posts for your in laws (rightly so!!) and they aren’t willing to be flexible at all. They have their “pattern” they have Friday night pub, Saturday night friends and your family must fit into weekend mornings. You need to know your place OP 😉 you are weekend morning people not Friday takeaway people as far as your in-laws are concerned. Really all you can do is what you are doing. Repeat “the chilsren do sports on the mornings” and list when you are feee sat afternoon, evening, after school, etc. They cant make any of your suggestions “oh that’s a shame YOU are too busy”. No further discussion.

Your sibling is a bit different though. Could they’re be jealously? Often people out things down (eg why waste all that money? You only spend time doing hobby”) when they feel
insecure. If they have simialr ages chilsren maybe they are worries they haven’t got them into a sport or high level and it’s showing as negative talk to you.

It was totally dh and my fault that we got into the pattern of every Saturday and Sunday. I always found it suffocating but sh wouldn’t tell them and I didn’t want to upset dh/them. I felt just either the Saturday or the Sunday or once a fortnight would have been enough. Considering dh visits during his working week.

Regarding my sibling. I think she moans for the sake of moaning. She is childfree by choice and has a very full life and schedule. A full time job, a very niche hobby that takes up the vast majority of her time and she volunteers too.

All of that is great but once in a while she’ll decide to arrange something with us and when we say can’t can’t she gets annoyed and throws it in our faces that all we ever do is xxx.

These people simply cannot see the hypocrisy that they have their hobbies but we are wrong for ours.

It’s people that want everything on their terms.

Like I say with my mum who also has a full schedule, we find time even if that means walking the dog together or going shopping, a mutual activity.

You seem so forthright and strong on this thread in your communication. I just can’t understand why you are struggling so much in RL with your in laws!

Your dh sounds like a right limp lettuce when it comes to his parents

Yes thank you, you have made that very clear.

Bet they still miss the baby/toddler phase when you were more or less at their beck and call and slotted right in to their schedule. Stifling for you even at the time, as you freely admit but they would find weird and mystifying. They sound set in their ways and not very tolerant of difference or change. Unfortunately you're getting the flak for it, but honestly it's not your problem - its them, or maybe just one of them, unable to deal with a bit of a void in their life, with expectations they had which they thought would always be met...

You've made all the right offers and tried to accommodate practically, but it's not about that. As the DC get older I'd encourage them to keep the grandparents updated directly with their activities and interests, to ease yourself out of the negative loop and let the relationships take their own course.

You have actually. In your posts

Imagine asking you to stop kids doing sports so your FIL can go to the pub. This is one of the most crazy things I've read. Most people I know are at kids sports at the weekends!

I agree. The OP should be applauded!

Please tell me youre joking!

Nothing to do with anyone else. If all concerned are content with what you are doing ,,, end of subject. Just keep going.

I think it was you that made it clear, albeit inadvertently.

Op, I would keep it really simple. 'It sounds like you miss the way things were when they were little with our weekends visits. Those memories are really special to all of us but as the kids grow up, life and routines will change. We really love our sporty weekends and the kids are really happy. By the way we are free next X if you want to pop over' and then move on. Any snotty comments, I'd just repeat 'It sounds like..'

This isn't really about the sports at all. It is about change in routine. You have handled it really well, you are giving your kids what they clearly enjoy. Just recognise this is their stuff not yours, call out the comments with kindness. Good luck!

Your family, your prerogative. You’re investing in your kids’ interests. Why should you prioritise seeing wider family? If they’re that bothered, they could travel to see your kids compete. We too prioritise our kids’ sporting commitments and I wouldn’t have it any other way. They love it and I love watching them. It enriches their life’s so much. Your in laws have had their time with their children, now it’s your turn to do what you think is right. Ignore them, or have your husband to have a word with them.

In what way? He’s not suggesting changing anything to suit them.

You seem like you offer lots of alternative times so YANBU. My DNs both do a hobby all day every Saturday and half of Sundays. We don't see them much at all anymore other than in school holidays and they only live 20 minutes away, parents work as do we do weeknights don't really work for anyone, all DCs are primary age. The hobby isn't competitive but they just never ever miss it, to me they also spend little time with their parents at they are dropped off and do the same hobby 3 week nights too.

ETA I've just seen it's only really until lunchtime anyway so you're free in the afternoons and evenings, that's loads of available time!

If you and your children are happy that is what matters.

However, have you intentionally orchestrated it this way so you don't have to see your in laws all the time? Maybe you did and that's what they're picking up on, but that still doesn't mean you're wrong for prioritising your children's sport.

YABU cos sport is for losers 😆

if your kids are happy with the intense sports schedule who cares?! It wouldn’t bother me!

I always found it suffocating but sh wouldn’t tell them

Oh and fact the in-laws rock up at 8am and get them out of bed on Christmas Day?!

the fact his wife is infuriated by it but all he says is a wishy washy response repeatedly rather than just “mum / dad - enough with the comments for goodness sakes!”

With regard specifically to your parents in law, I think you should try to find a balance. There will come a time when they're elderly and in failing health when you might wish your DC had had more time with them when they were fully present.

I don't mean you need to see them every weekend, but I think you should try to carve out quality time with them for your DC at reasonably regular intervals.