To think it’s none of relatives business how we spend our weekends?

[Moreminieggs13]

Both of our dc play competitive sport. It can involve a lot of travelling and it’s a big commitment. This means that dh and I are out with the dc for several hours at weekends. Plus there are evening sessions that we/they have to attend.

By the time we’ve been out, we want some time to do some housework, go to the shops, have dinner, relax and watch a bit of TV, there isn’t much time left.

Before when our dc were little we used to spend a lot of time visiting relatives, or having them over to ours, this would take up a big chunk of our weekends and often involved early morning visits.

I found it a bit suffocating to be honest but always felt that it was expected of us, for example my in laws expected that we’d see them Saturday and Sunday mornings.

Anyway since the dc have been playing sport we obviously haven’t had the time for the visits and we get loads of snide remarks about it.

At first we’d get constant early morning phone calls about visiting even though we already said that we were out at sports events now.

Then the comments came about how it’s all too much and how we never have any time, how we are always at sports. Then they’d try to plan things in knowing we wouldn’t be able to do it and saying thinks like “ugh I suppose you’ll be out doing xxx, it’s all you ever do”.

Aibu to think we can do what we like and that visiting relatives doesn’t take precedent over our children’s hobbies.

Your first priority should always be your children first, and you are already succeeding with that.

It is a shame that your wider family do not understand that sport is a commitment, I think they are are being mean and selfish.

This is the one of the most bizarre things I’ve read on MN.
How early did you start this rule? Did your kids miss out on toddler groups, swimming lessons, Cubs/Brownies etc because they couldn’t get there under their own steam?

Of course you are not unreasonable. You are normal supportive parents.
I think if it’s only Saturday morning they want to fix for you - it’s very unreasonable. I would continue inviting them offering different options but if they say no ….
Your DH should also practice changing topic/ ending conversation every time they comment on this e.g DC like doing this Mum and we like watching. That’s the end of conversation. Bye (if by phone) or How is your knee? (if in person).
Deal with your sibling yourself depending how you usually deal with them. Wanting to see you is one thing but being over critical about your life and winding up your parents is another. Tbh I might use some stern words if I were you.

Yes and no. My children have busy hobbies but I do feel sad at the loss of time with family

Regarding it being excessive. Surely somethings only excessive if you don’t want to do it. Which we all do.

Regarding time, so during the Summer May-Sept the dc each train 2x a week on the evenings. But eldest is old enough that we just drop them off. Matches aren’t on from May-Sept but there are tournaments, team building days and get togethers (not every week).

During the winter months Sept-April, the dc each train once a week. Then play on weekends. We are generally out between 9am-12pm or 8am-1.30 pm depending on things like where we are travelling to.

The one plays at a higher level so there is more travelling.

So they get 3-4 weekday evenings at home and weekend afternoons and evenings.

This isn’t excessive for us, we all love it. I’m not at all worried about what we will do once we will do once the children are grown up. I will have a lie in with dh, will go for breakfast, I will go for a morning swim or a long walk, I’ll do more housework, I’ll go shopping, I’ll go for a bike ride, I’ll take up gardening.

I don’t tell my fil that it’s ridiculous that he goes to the pub every Friday or that he goes cycling for long hours or that he spends hours gardening, that’s his choice.

We do offer to see them Friday-Sat evenings, we do offer to visit during school holidays, dh goes over once a fortnight either after work or during his dinner hour.

Oh and it’s irrelevant really how good or rubbish my children are at their hobbies.

What does that have to do with anything? It’s still good to be part of something, be active, make friends, feel a sense of pride and achievement.

The most involved grandparents I know, and those with the strongest relationships with older grandchildren, have taken a real interest in their GC life- coming along to watch matches, recitals etc.

That not my experience. Junior sports set us up for healthy active adulthood, it’s essential. We both competed through our 20s, me casual leagues, dh slightly less casual with 2 training sessions Saturday game and Sunday recovery. And now we are parents you’re an incredibly useful parent if you have sporting knowledge as grassroots sport is
so dependant on parent volunteers here, and when the kids are older I will go back to a couple of sports beyond jogging and gym myself while dh plays footy with dads
at school. At the moment I manage one team and dh coaches two kids sports. One dc had his first training session for the new season today and the boys were like puppies jumping all over each other, 3 other school families train at the same time for another team so I caught up with some mums…it’s a whole universe and a very healthy one to be part of despite being all weekend every weekend 😁😁

Yep! I see fil at games :)

Absolutely. It’s the ones who will happily sacrifice their own comfort and convenience to be present in the lives of their GC. I’ve seen it play out both ways, and I’ll be choosing relationship with GC if I have them in future. The ones who have chosen not to be involved are amongst the most negative and miserable folks I’ve ever encountered.

Moan back. Say it's really upsetting they keep turning down your invitations and seeing others over you all. Keep doing it. Every time they moan counter moan. They'll either stfu or visit.
It's very controlling behaviour by PILS and sibling.

I'm stuck on the fact you visited both Saturday and Sunday mornings previously 🤔

Was the Sunday just a total copy of the Saturday?
That wouldn't have worked for me - or anyone else I know.

That's the definition of the"too much" they speak of.

Well regardless of the sports thing, wanting to see you on Saturday and Sunday is ridiculous. Don't they have better things to do?

Yeah that’s bloody weird.

imagine every Saturday and Sunday morning traipsing to your in-laws or them to you. And you’re not even that close to them!

Absolutely.

Out families can't watch most of the kids' stuff but they're all so proud and involved in other ways. From sending them each a little pocket money for each event for the food stalls or 'merch', to offering to buy equipment, remembering when their events are, asking after progress, wanting photos etc.

As for when I see my own parents, I don’t see loads of them but we just seem to have a far more casual, less formal relationship.

In laws generally only want formal pre arranged 3 hour sit down visits.

With my parents it’s very adhoc, for example when I take youngest to the library my mum lives near the library so she meets us there and then we have a walk and a chat round the block and chat. Or if we are doing our food shop she’ll come along sometimes as it means she gets to go to the big shop, or she’ll take the dc to KFC. I meet her to walk her dog and we walk to the cake shop.

This might seem weird to some people but that’s just the kind of relationship we have. She also rings just for a chat. Dh parents never ring and Dh refuses to ring them which I find so odd.

If life is busy they could do something nice and have you over and cook for everyone at a convenient time. If I were them I'd be asking if was ok to come and to watch some of the competitions! It's great when kids love doing a sport.

What happens over Christmas 😦

I was a hockey goalie as a kid, from age 12 to 17 I used to cadge lifts, or take my stupid enormous bag of kit on the bus, because my parents worked long hours and couldn’t/didn’t want to spend the free weekends and evenings they did have on my hobbies. Fine. they needed a rest as well.

I got invited to county trials. My PE teacher drove me and I got offered a place, but there was no way for me to get to the training which was 40 mins away by car on the motorway. Matches I suppose would have been even further on weekend because of it being county level.

So I couldn’t do it and I never progressed.

I do agree that a parent shouldn’t be expected to sacrifice ALL their free time and available resource to their kids hobbies, but there is a balance. Kids who have parents who are able and willing to be more involved have more opportunities. I do wish my folks would have spent a bit of time a couple of times a week coming to stuff, it’s something I plan to prioritise a little bit more for my kid if he’s into something like that.

They come over at 8 in the morning and get us all out of bed 🤣

in regards to the OP - I think a lot of our parents struggle to adjust when we start to revolve around our kids rather than them.

if engaging in your kids hobby is something that you enjoy as a family, and something that you have invited other relatives to, as well as offering them other times to see you (ie for Friday night dinner) and they decline, then that’s on them, and something should tell them to keep their snotty comments to themselves.

OP it was excessive and unreasonable of your PiL to expect to see you every Saturday and Sunday morning. I'm amazed you went along with that tbh, sounds like your parents didn't get much time or consideration.
But anyway, that arrangement doesn't now suit your family.

It is not unreasonable for you and your DH to support DC in their sporting hobby.

Your PiL sound both entitled and inflexible, which is why they're not seeing much of their DGC. I wouldn't worry about what they have to say, it's just more of the same, and very selfish.

Same goes for your sibling.

Your DC are enjoying a healthy, active hobby, building resilience through competing, and you and your DH enjoy supporting them and spending time with the friends you have made there.
It's all good.

PiL still have plenty of opportunities to see you all, but choose not to. That's on them.
Ignore all the negative comments, literally, just do not acknowledge or reply.

This is all, totally, reasonable.

I think you just need to ignore.

Or say to them-

“We’ve said we’re busy doing the sport at c time/ day. We can see you any of these times” and put the times they’re free.

Then when they say they’re busy you can say The same things they say to you - “oh that’s a lot” “gosh you’re always busy”
etc

Or you could say “oh so you know what it’s like being busy - sounds like we’re all equally busy doing our own things.”

So how often do you make the effort and see them?