To think it’s none of relatives business how we spend our weekends?

[Moreminieggs13]

Both of our dc play competitive sport. It can involve a lot of travelling and it’s a big commitment. This means that dh and I are out with the dc for several hours at weekends. Plus there are evening sessions that we/they have to attend.

By the time we’ve been out, we want some time to do some housework, go to the shops, have dinner, relax and watch a bit of TV, there isn’t much time left.

Before when our dc were little we used to spend a lot of time visiting relatives, or having them over to ours, this would take up a big chunk of our weekends and often involved early morning visits.

I found it a bit suffocating to be honest but always felt that it was expected of us, for example my in laws expected that we’d see them Saturday and Sunday mornings.

Anyway since the dc have been playing sport we obviously haven’t had the time for the visits and we get loads of snide remarks about it.

At first we’d get constant early morning phone calls about visiting even though we already said that we were out at sports events now.

Then the comments came about how it’s all too much and how we never have any time, how we are always at sports. Then they’d try to plan things in knowing we wouldn’t be able to do it and saying thinks like “ugh I suppose you’ll be out doing xxx, it’s all you ever do”.

Aibu to think we can do what we like and that visiting relatives doesn’t take precedent over our children’s hobbies.

Have you read any of the OP's posts? They make lots of suggestions, the relatives don't want them because they are busy. They only want the other times when the OP's family is busy.

It doesn't even sound that extreme tbh OP, aren't most families busy at weekends with kids even without county sports? They just happen to want the same slots you already have filled as that is the gap in their calendar.

How is several hours at a weekend and some evenings excessive?

My family are also very involved in sport. Me and dh are also volunteer coaches with our kids teams so a lot of commitment. My parents never really said anything as our weekends became dominated by sport but I did start to feel a bit guilty as we had to constantly turn down offers to visit. Luckily though my kids' home matches are on in a park near my parents so I started getting them to come watch them for every home match. It has worked out really well my dad has got very involved is following their league positions on the sports app and always looking for updates on scores when they are playing away. Could this work could you bring them to watch them every now and again, get them a bit more interested in the sport? It would also help with the relationship with their grandkids

Missed this update, they are pretty selfish expecting your kids to give up things for them but they are not willing to budge an inch. Their way or the highway I guess

There are loads of people who live nowhere near parents and certainly don’t see them or other relatives on a weekly basis. It’s perfectly reasonable to not see relatives so often. It’s a form of control really and not acknowledging the op can make her own decisions. If they like what they are doing, and have offered alternatives, they cannot do much more.

Well ideally, life has room for both, doesn't it? Children benefit as much if not more from contact with a loving extended family than they do from their hobbies. In my experience, now having three adult children, the years we spent rushing round to dance, football and music lessons didn't really have any lasting outcome. All hobbies tailed off in their teens. So with hindsight I think we'd have done better to invest less time there and more in seeing their grandma, who they lost while still young. However, each to their own. You obviously prefer them to be at the hobby than seeing relatives, and you're the parent so its your call. You can't blame the GPs for wanting to see them though.

It's the great majority of the weekend every weekend, not leaving them time for a balanced life including time to relax, socialise, do schoolwork, etc. If you can't see that that plus evenings is excessive, I can't explain it further.

Re schoolwork, the youngest is 10 so probably doesn't have much anyway.

I'm guessing the other is teen/tween, and so tbh they're getting to the age when a lot of kids won't be out of their pit in the mornings anyway!

FIL could forgo his weekly Friday pub visit once in a while to see his family but chooses not to, or they could keep a day free in the school holidays but chooses not to so why should OP's family make all the effort??

All hobbies tailed off in their teens

This is not always the case though and keeping teens in sport is really important for their health and wellbeing. Not seen one study to suggest otherwise. My teens, eldest 18, still actively play and compete, two have now also trained to ref junior matches and coach at summer camps so a little money earner for them too and great experience for their CV. The op has offered plenty of other times to see the in laws but they are too busy so not willing to compromise either

But they can see them? The OP is offering lots of alternative times.

Yes of course hobbies are important. I'm saying that with my children the very high investment that left little room for balance was, with hindsight, not a good use of time, as they reduced their own participation to a level that allowed time for other things when they were teens anyway.

Cyclists and other sports travel miles to training - we would not have Olympic athletes if they didn’t! Not all sport is on the doorstep. It’s important for dc to pursue sport if they are good at it. I cannot see why fil prefers the pub snd won’t give that up once a month!

I voted YABU because it seems way over the top to spend all of every weekend on your kids’ sport. (Not clear on whether it’s the same sport/do they do it together?)

When they eventually give up or don’t need you to take them, what is your life going to look like? There can’t be much room for socialising, visits to friends or family, your own hobbies etc?

Missing the occasional sporting occasion for family meet ups wouldn’t be the end of the world?

Well, from our experience, weeks run like this:

Monday: home from school at 4pm. Eat, change, chill. Leave at 530 for training. Finish training at 730, eat dinner in car on way home. Home by 8. Shower, chill (for 13 year old) or study (for 15 year old)

Same on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Wednesday and Friday eves free, tend to go to gym after school, meet friends/boyfriend in town, head home. At home have dinner, watch TV, study, all the usual. Tutor on Fridays for 15 year old.

Weekends out of season tend to be up and out by 073p both mornings, train for a few hours, home by lunch time, afternoons and evenings free. Probably one weekend in three with nothing on, the kids will do a gym session or run or something instead.

During the season, those weekend sessions are often swapped for an all day event on the Saturday, so Sunday free.

So yes, they're plenty busy, as are we by extension. But there is still plenty of time to relax, study, see friends and family.

My family see our kids in the week by offering to do one of the training drives, or coming by for tea/cake after school, or a takeaway on a Friday night, or Sunday roast or whatever. As such they have a close and supportive bond. The issue is, the OP's family don't want any slots other than the Saturday morning because they don't want to compromise on any others. So they're being just as, if not more, rigid than the OP is.

I'd say my kids have a far more balanced life than some, filled with family and friends , boyfriends, school life, plus a sport they love and have gained great fitness, success and discipline from. Isn't that what we all want for our kids? And yes, they seem to find plenty of time to doom scroll too 😂

Unless they are your child, watching kids play sport is very very dull.
You may think your 10 year old is brilliant at said sport, but trust me, it’s mediocre .. it just is.
Kids sport, it’s just a lot of noise. I wouldn’t go and watch a child, that wasn’t directly mine, play.

I can think of nothing worse that spending any of my weekend watching kids sport .. including any of my relatives.

The best thing you can possibly do is spend time with your dc’s doing sport. Yes it’s exhausting, particularly when you both work full time. Our three are in their early 20’s now and none have any problems with social media / phone addiction and neither have they had any mental health issues. Competitive sport was a huge contributor to this.

One of my children had SN and she talks about now how sport made her such a stronger and more resilient person.

I think what you’re saying is ridiculous. Totally ridiculous in fact! How would anyone ever good enough to be an Olympian if they had a parent like you, who would support them, drive them to competitions etc…. If a ten year old loves a sport that requires travelling to competitions then of course they need supportive parents to take them. Getting good at it sometimes rajes hard work and commitment from a young age. Also you’re missing the point that the op and her husband enjoy it and choose to spend their time doing this so therefore it’s not the business of her in laws to dictate how they spend their free time.

*takes not rajes

I hate watching the majority of sports but love watching my children and my nieces, nephews and God children playing sports or performing on stage.
It’s such a pleasure to see them enjoy themselves and to watch them progress. It makes me so proud of them.

When do you see your parents @Moreminieggs13

Do the DC get much downtime, is the sport commitment all year round?

I don’t think YABU but do bear in mind that if you can never see people the relationship will probably suffer. If you don’t like them anyway then you’re probably not bothered but I have had friends who made their lives about their ultra-sporty kids and were then surprised when those kids went to uni and they had weekends with nothing to fill them! So just be careful not to lose all your own connections with friends/ family.

Maybe you could actively plan something for the weekends when the sports have finished (surely most take a break)?

Unfortunately my kids' sport isn't really cut out for spectators, but my parents always take the opportunity to bring a chair down to the water's edge and watch the to-ing and fro-ing when events are local. They've even been known to pop down when they're training and just see what's going on.

Interest works both ways.

If you are creating space for seeing family but they'll only agree to things on their terms (and criticizing you for not jumping to see them when they want) then YANBU.

However if neither you, nor they will compromise and make an effort to meet up despite the timing not being ideal, then that's the relationship gone.

Hobbies are important, but so is family.

I think you take it further than that, ask them to stop, if they can’t control themselves and given that op can’t make them stop , she needs to remove herself from the conversation, so leave the room the house out the phone down.

surely they are spoiling the time you do have together by moaning so that’s not quality time.