To think it’s none of relatives business how we spend our weekends?

[Moreminieggs13]

Both of our dc play competitive sport. It can involve a lot of travelling and it’s a big commitment. This means that dh and I are out with the dc for several hours at weekends. Plus there are evening sessions that we/they have to attend.

By the time we’ve been out, we want some time to do some housework, go to the shops, have dinner, relax and watch a bit of TV, there isn’t much time left.

Before when our dc were little we used to spend a lot of time visiting relatives, or having them over to ours, this would take up a big chunk of our weekends and often involved early morning visits.

I found it a bit suffocating to be honest but always felt that it was expected of us, for example my in laws expected that we’d see them Saturday and Sunday mornings.

Anyway since the dc have been playing sport we obviously haven’t had the time for the visits and we get loads of snide remarks about it.

At first we’d get constant early morning phone calls about visiting even though we already said that we were out at sports events now.

Then the comments came about how it’s all too much and how we never have any time, how we are always at sports. Then they’d try to plan things in knowing we wouldn’t be able to do it and saying thinks like “ugh I suppose you’ll be out doing xxx, it’s all you ever do”.

Aibu to think we can do what we like and that visiting relatives doesn’t take precedent over our children’s hobbies.

Then they wouldn't do any sport until they're teenagers? Surely you support hobbies for your younger DC.

If your DH has been ‘weak’ with his parents that’s a DH problem. Let him crack on and don’t engage.

With your sibling, ask them to stop it.

Agree with a PP about people saying things are ‘too much’: it’s often a thing about them. My parents are cautious, anxious types with health issues and often say it about ordinary things being ‘too much’.

That said, there are limits to what I’d do in terms of time and travel for DCs’ hobbies (I usually spend 3-6 hours a week supporting one DCs’ hobby), unless their enjoyment, commitment and talent were all exceptional.

It’s for each household to decide.

I don’t think parents who spend a lot of time and resources on supporting DCs’ hobbies and interests are necessarily better parents than those who prioritise unstructured time.

this.

But then no child would ever leave the house…
No child would do sport. We’d have no athletes. Is this a joke?

OP if your in laws don’t want to come and watch their grandkids ever do sport then that’s their fault.
Next time they ask about seeing you say yes sure happy to meet us at x place you can watch him? If they say no well that’s their problem

If you’d have got responses saying that you should prioritise your family on weekends, would you have actually cut back on your kids sporting activities??

We have similar. How often do you see them? I try to be clear and firm in boundaries, eg:

DS is in a tournament on Saturday, we could meet for an early dinner at 5pm? Or we can all come by for a coffee on Sunday morning before DS has a birthday party for a friend. Oh neither suit? That’s a shame, obviously we have committed to both these things and can’t pull out but we are free all day the Saturday after next so we can go out for the day together then.

DS competes in chess so no one can really watch so that’s not an option!

I’d be fuming. Tuesday every week I’d send a cheerful message to both the offending hypocritical parties saying ‘Helen’s <sport> match is at <location and time> and George’s <sport> match/comp is at <loc and time>, we are so proud of their dedication and achievement and happy to be able to support. They’d love it if you are ever free to come X
Then I’d have my next message planned for the next round of comments - you have hobbies and activities you don’t cancel them for our children so stop with the hypocrisy and petty swipes please. Every good parent supports their children to play sports if they can, and we can.

my kids don’t play county equivalent but we spend every weekend at various sports.

Why bother with that?

Just a “enough with the comments, the kids love their sporting activities so we will crack on with them over the weekends and see you when we can”

the op / husband has to explicitly say - “enough with the criticism comments” otherwise it will be this endless wishy washy back and forth

This. You just have to remind them that they can see them okay, or pop round in a Friday evening etc. We had similar although it was PIL wanting to see us on the weekends when they were not away with their friends … DH had words after a while.

And if the grandparents are retired it’s also ridiculous they’re expecting the family with kids to work around them - when as you say they could pop round various times!

YANBU at all. Keep inviting them for Friday takeaway and to the sporting events. They may eventually relent and enjoy it. Saturday and Sunday visits every week is ridiculous.

i think you should make time for your relatives,
no need to cancel the sport but perhaps every other weekend you could pop by after the sport?

I would try to take a more balanced view. I don't think your relatives are going about it the right way and of course you and your children are entitled to do whatever you wish. But realistically whatever sport your kids are doing it is always just going to be a hobby and a hobby doesn't have to take up so much time and financial commitment from parents. You say you enjoy it but it does leave little time for anything else and it might be worth taking a step back and asking what else is taking a back seat while you prioritise your kids' hobbies to the expense of everything else. And what are your kids learning about who are the most important people in the family, both nuclear and wider. Clue: they are learning that they are more important than anyone else.

I wonder how I’d have coped as a child transporting my pony to showjumping competitions across the region 😂
Set off 3 days early and ride down the motorway maybe? 😅

Yes - in our case they were not retired when DS1 was young but they were by the time DS2 was 8/10 ish. But it was part of a general
pattern of expecting us to work round them.

The hobbies are not something we are willing to stop at the moment, it’s not as simple as taking a step back. We have two children who both participate.

We do make time for relatives, for example we invite dh parents over on Fridays for a takeaway. They won’t because fil goes to the pub. On Saturday nights they have their friends over. They don’t want to come to see us at the events, we offer to pop round during school holidays when we are off work but they are usually busy with their hobbies, fil in particular has a lot of hobbies himself. Such as going out cycling for long hours.

They only really seem to want to see us on weekend mornings then complain that they can’t.

Easy to say but all you can do is ignore the moaning. It's not "too much" if you're happy with it and your kids are happy with it. It wouldn't be my cup of tea either (in fact my heart sank when my daughter's swimming teacher suggested she start competing, luckily she didn't want to though we would have supported her if she had). But nothing to do with anyone else. The irony of suggesting other times you can see them and they won't because they are busy with stuff they like to do! The irony that they want to see more of you but the moaning is hardly making them an appealing option!

My mum sometimes gets a bee in her bonnet about some aspect of our lifestyle and keeps banging on about how "ridiculous" it is. I just smile blandly and don't react.

So based on your last update OP, they are hypocrites. They don't want to give up thier own hobbies to see you , yet expect you to cancel the kids activities to see them. Your FIL goes to the pub every Friday and won't give that up one week to see you, fine that he wants to go to the pub, but they can't complain that they are never invited. They are stuck in their ways and routines and expect you to fit around them, no.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. Maybe your MIL and sibling are like some of the posters here in that they will say things just to create a bit of conflict or to be contrary. It’s probably not a conscious decision, just who they are. And They not only want everything their way but they actually dislike people doing things differently to them.

Anyway your poor husband already sees them plenty. That’s punishment enough for his wimpishness (that’s not a word, is it?)

You are not unreasonable. You are supportive, interested, active parents. That you enjoy their activities is a bonus- why would you give that up

I meant a metaphorical step back (from being so emotionally absorbed in the world of the kids' hobbies) to create some space to actually think about things from all angles, not a literal step back. Your relatives are cack handed about the way they are dealing with you but they are giving feedback that might be worth pondering for a while rather than immediately rejecting it. You could even say to them that you will think about their perspective IF they stop nagging you for a while and then all come together in a month or two to discuss more calmly.

From your original post, it sounded like you never saw them. However subsequent posts show your DH makes the effort to see them midweek and you’ve suggested alternate days/times to see as a family, however they have declined

I think you need to face it head on directly. A polite ‘this is our choice in life and we no longer feel comfortable with your continuous comments and jibes about our choices. We have offered alternates days/times that you have declined. You are also more than welcome to come watch your grandchildren who would love your support, you have also declined this. Rather than negatively commenting on something your grandchildren are doing great at, you need to review your own choices’

I'm in two minds about it, to be honest. It does sound like you spend excessive amounts of time on the sports, and it's not entirely clear whether you do it all for the children's sake or because you as parents love it. When do you as a family have time just to chill and relax? Indeed, when do the children have time to do schoolwork?

Family is important too why does it have to be either or?

I think the people just talking about this in terms of hobbies are missing the point.

It's evidently more than that, because OP describes good friends and a social scene. It functions as entertainment and socialising too. In that respect, it's equivalent to FIL going to the pub with his mates, as well as being something for the DC too.

If everyone's booked in activities now mean there's no space at all for family to see each other, it might be reasonable to have a discussion about whether any compromises can be made, sessions missed... but if so, that would be equally true of both households. Their friends don't outweigh yours, their cycling doesn't outweigh DCs sport.