Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

We’ve had a vaguely similar situation.

MIL recently received her “inheritance” - her dad has moved into a council funded care home and because his house was signed over to her and her sibling years ago they’ve sold it and banked the cash.

MIL has no assets, rents her home, no savings, etc.

She’s spending her dad’s life savings on luxury holidays. She goes away at least 6 times a year. She won’t have anything to leave her own children when she passes away.

My SIL recently had to borrow £200 off her as she’s a single mum and struggling financially and needed food, gas and electricity. Her mum has insisted she pays it back as she “has a Caribbean cruise booked” and needs the money.

It feels selfish to me.

MIL has no obligation to fund her adult children's lifestyles. Does BIL actually want financial help or have you just assumed so on his behalf? No matter that the money she has is inherited wealth, she can spend the lost on whatever she wants. Nobody has a right to their parents' money. It's greedy and entitled.

As a mother myself there is no way I could be like her. I would imagine she wasn’t a very affectionate mum when they were growing up. I’d give my kids my last pennies and am always thinking of ways to be able to help them with deposits in the future even though I don’t have much.

What reason did she give for refusing when asked?

Just because she didn’t pay for driving lessons and private school? Did she also only allow them bread and water. The majority of people in the UK go to state school and pay for their own driving lessons FFS

Everyone is different. It would give me huge pleasure to be able to help my kids out if I had the means. Each to their own though.

Presumably if she gives BIL money you'll expect your DH to get the same 😉.

Your MIL's money is not your business.

I think the point is it was never all her money. Her parents started her off but she didn’t pass the favour on

It does seam very odd.

Of course a parent should help their children if they can. Some people are so selfish and self-centred. Sadly, nothing you can do about it.

The majority of people who don't pay for their kids' driving lessons aren't millionaires. An awful lot of people who aren't millionaires still pay for their kids' driving lessons if they can afford to.

so why didn’t mil look after herself? Why did she get help but doesn’t think to pass the same help onto her children.

Why is she so insistent on giving the money to the government instead if her children?

I appreciate that it is her money, but I just can't imagine being like this. I work to earn money to improve my children's lives. If I had no children, I would work a lot less as I don't need much to be happy. I want to help them any way I can though. So I work for their education, to save for university, to help get them on the housing ladder, I am thinking of kicking off their pensions. I come from a poor background and I want to ensure my children never have to experience that.

Seeing my children happy has more value to me than anything I could possibly own.

What’s stopping BIL & SIL getting better paid jobs?

They went to a normal comprehensive. There has been zero private education. Neither went to Uni. Clothes were worn until they fell apart. Everything was very frugal. FIL died. MIL seemed to then have a change of heart about spending money, perhaps realising her own mortality. She now spends oodles on herself and her boyfriend, but this does not extend to children or grandchildren. To a PP who asked if all the money is tied up in property, definitely not, hence the ability to spend on holidays, meals out etc. There is at least half a million in cash, spread over normal bank accounts. And a hefty private pension monthly. Granted, the rest is in bricks and mortar.

I'm with the OP here. My mum died a few years ago and left a lot more money than we thought she had. 40% of it (less allowances) went on inheritance tax.

DH and I are well set up for old age financially. Our adult DC are starting out in life and could use extra money now. We are giving them large lump sums so they get to keep it all rather than getting just 60% of it when we die.

How much did she inherit? It sounds as though she will spend the lot fairly quickly and will then be back to square one with no assets, no savings and still in a home that she needs to pay rent for.

That’s a big leap to make to starving them of affection!

My dad benefitted greatly from inheritance and has a very comfortable life as a result, he is very tight fisted and it would never occur to give any money to his children (my sister and I) even though we help care for our mum whom is in advanced Alzheimer's.

As a parent myself I find this hard to understand because any time I can help my kids financially I do but that's my dad for you, nothing I can do about it so I don't give it much thought tbh.

If that's the way MIL is then she's unlikely to change so it's something you just need to forget about.

At least she will have lots of money to cover her costs when and if she needs carers in or goes into a care home and you can just leave her to it.

That's just being careless with money of your MIL! She could easily have given away £x/year (whatever the annual giving allowance is) in the 10-15 years leading up to her death rather than loose 40% to the tax man. Shame money hoarders don't consider this.

Yeah and MIL was quite happy to when she got lucky.

OP I agree with you. I can’t understand why people can be so mean when they’ve had such advantages. However in my experience some people have big egos so they like to tell themselves that it was all their own talent/hard work and nothing to do with all the advantages they’ve been given. So they don’t feel the need to pass on their good luck.

If your DH and BIL are working hard and not just waiting for handouts then there’s no excuse for her to not help them out and for them to share in some of the benefits of her good fortune.

@ShoopShoopBaDoop i do find that kind of tight fistned interesting.

The older generation in my family are frugal but they don't want the tax man to get their money

She could keep only what she needs and give the rest to disadvantaged people. Which would include your BiL, but probably not you. Because if we're going to argue for a moral redistribution of wealth it should be each according to their means to each according to their needs. No morality in wealthy people passing down wealth to other wealthy people imo.

Must be hard having to wait for all that money😂 - at least your kids will be young enough to benefit from it and that's what all these threads seem to focus on - I'd do anything for my kids why won't my wealthy parents. So relax, your kids will be well taken care of - your dh and his brother won't be needlessly spending the inheritance it'll all go to the grandchildren - you should be happy for them - but it's not what this is - your dh and his brother want that money now.