Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes, it’s her money but I could never sit back and watch my family struggle if I was able to help. It’s an unkind thing of her to do.

But I do wonder how your BIL has ended up living paycheque to paycheque when surely he must have had an excellent education and plenty of opportunities when growing up? Or has MIL never spent any money on her children?

Lol she has never given away anything to charity before! Can't see that one happening.

Feel for you. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t help out. Iguess you will get a bigger inheritance in the end but be nice to have a little of it now.

Jesus what is it with people who seem to think that once a person is over the age of 70 their money becomes up for negotiation? She is not “hoarding” money @hoardingwealth- do you see yourself as “hoarding” money if you have any savings?

And if your BIL is so strapped for cash has he considered making different choices in life? I wouldn’t count on an inheritance because with vultures like you I’d leave everything to the local cat sanctuary in her shoes.

Put the calculator down and leave her alone. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if someone was totting up every penny you spend.

If its the choice between leaving it to greedy family or giving it away, don’t be so sure…

People are strange and there can be some weird psychology going on with money. I remember my MIL panicked about my FIL retiring even though he had a decent pension they owned 2 houses and had inherited from both parents. They’ll go on lots of tropical holidays , rented a sailing boat to go round the Caribbean last year, Africa holiday done this year , off to Asia next month but when we see her she’ll still be fretting about being weirdly frugal with some things and obviously worries about money. They also have a big 6 bed house, feelings about money aren’t always logical. Maybe your mil is similar.
how is she with her grandchildren, is she interested in having a relationship with them?

She's incredibly well-off and will able to pay for any care she may need

There’s nothing tackier on Mumsnet than resentful dil’s eyeing their mil’s bank account.

MIL was mid 20's when she had BIL. I'm not sure how old she was when she was given property and the business, it was before I met DH, I think about 30 years ago. DH and BIL would have finished school anyway.

There is a balance to be had here. I have gifted my kids house deposits and I have funded them through University. On occasion I will fund nice days out and I will fund treats. However we should be building self reliance in our children and this means that they need to be accountable for their own decisions and the consequences these have for what they can and cannot afford. Allowing our kids to live unaffordable lifestyles in turn robs our grandkids of their future as there will be no-one able to fund them or help with deposits.

I think it's really selfish. I could never watch my DC struggle. My parents and grandparents aren't/weren't wealthy but they still did what they could to help the younger generation and I intent to do the same when my DC are adults. It seems the more people have the greedier they can be.

I think I’d need to know the background.

For example why can’t one of them at least get a better job? Retrain? Retake exams? Do over time and get promoted? Are they both off at weekends- if so why can’t one of them do a second job whilst the other looks after the kids? Why have they got credit card debt and why did they have kids without apparently thinking through the consequences?

None of us know the full story but if I felt like I would be giving money to fund a lifestyle I thought was a waste of time or worse would mean that there was no incentive for my kids to try to better themselves I wouldn’t do it, however rich I was.

All though not as wealthy as your MIL, my parents are similar.
About 20 years we were nearly bankrupt through no fault of our own. Dh had is own buisness and a perfect storm of a huge non payment, needing a new piece of machinery and the financial crash which saw an end to orders coming had us stressed out and no money. I was working full time and dh wax on the verge of a breakdown.

Mum and dad lent us £100 so we could buy food for the kids but wanted it back within the month.They are definitely skint. They bought my brother a house the following year so he didn't have to rent.

MIL who was widowed and didn't have much money and was very elderly at the time sold some of her things to help us. She looked after the children so I could work and save money by not paying a childminder. She would cook us food out of her own budget
SiL rallied round and helped as much as she could and her husband would come home from work and then help dh to get his business back on track with no expectation of payment, just ' we'll get you back there mate!'

When I tried to talk to my mum about how bad things were the attitude was 'so sad, too bad'
Mim and dad wonder why im closer to Dh's family than them.
We didn't want much , just some shopping now and again and I made it clear I would pay it back.

Things are really good now. We have a great standard of living, money in the bank, no financial worries and so on but I dont forget who had our backs and who would let us sink.

I've just edited this, blimey that felt cathartic!

I feel the same as you. She doesn’t sound like a decent person or a good mother. Some people aren’t very nice, that’s just how the world is.

YUBU to think you can have any say in how others use their money and people spending their own money how they choose is not "hoarding".
There is no obligation to support adult children financially.
There is no obligation to leave your estate to adult children even if you inherited Its a personal choice that differs depending on your feelings ,its your prerogative.
I think you cant be certain how your MIL feels about it without discussing it with her. In the circumstances you describe perhaps your DH could discuss his mothers wishes regarding her estate and what she wants to happen as she get older and on her death (this can be difficult) .Also discuss with hiss brother how he feels about asking his mother for help as he and his family are struggling.
Its complicated and peoples feelings are different.

My grandmother was the same, wanted to sit on her big golden egg proudly before bequeathing it to her children upon her death. It ALL went on her care as she developed dementia in her late 70s and then it was a slow decline over around fifteen years. She had no idea that her golden egg was cracking underneath her. Kept telling my DF how wealthy he would be when she died.

I’m not saying her money shouldn’t have paid for her care. I’m saying that she never imagined that the thing she was most proud of, her nest egg, would be stolen out from under her. She was certain that she would make her children rich when she died.

DF was the executor of her will and when it came down to dividing up her finances after her death each of her five children got the princely sum of £8000.

If I’m wealthy in my seventies I am absolutely going to pay my grandchildren’s uni fees or rent, and help them buy a home while I have capacity. If I become unwell like my grandmother I won’t care what home I’m in, or how much it costs, hopefully some of my money will have gone to my loved ones.

OP has said that both her DH and her BIL went to normal comprehensive schools and paid for their own driving lessons. It doesn't sound as though their wealthy mum has ever spent money on her children.

YANBU.

FIL (only child) inherited extremely well from his parents. He has so much money in different accounts, that he’s now trying to sort due to MIL’s MH (she has been sectioned multiple times and we now think there’s possibly more going on). They live together but the relationship has completely broken down and we’re constantly receiving phone calls from one or the other.

MIL has been extremely outspoken (to those that will listen) about her Will (which has been changed at least 6 times in as many years) and now she’s stating that all of her money will be going to a member of staff who ‘treated her like a Princess’ where she was last sectioned, hence FIL wanting to sort his financial affairs out.

Tbh, it’s a mess. We tried to help by setting up an appointment with a financial advisor, but the advice has fallen on deaf ears. FIL could ‘gift’ family members so much per year, he could even ‘gift’ us £5K for our wedding from 6 years ago, but he doesn’t seem to want to give any of his wealth away, which is his right, but he’s constantly going on about it, about how much he has and that he hasn’t changed his Will since ‘94 and he needs to do something about it. Will’s cost money to set up, he doesn’t want to part with his money to do this.

Financial advisor gave some useful advice, and needed further information from FIL, but he’s not bothering. MIL has given the deeds to their property to someone and won’t tell FIL to who. FIL won’t fork out the money to buy copies of the deeds.

If anything were to happen to FIL (god forbid) then MIL will have everything and the inheritance FIL wishes for his two sons, will go to someone else. That’s why FIL wants to do something beforehand, but doesn’t want to let go of his finances on the other.

It’s a mess and one which, if not sorted soon, will be a complete nightmare to sort if things aren’t legally put in the place.

In your case OP, I’d feel the same as you. I’ve helped my DS no end and couldn’t see him struggle, even though I’m not extremely wealthy. Even though our situation is different, FIL is the same with the hoarding of his wealth, that’s his choice too but it’s almost like he wants to brag about how much he has, and talks about what he could do with it. It’s certainly not made him happy, which is quite sad really.

It’s her money to spend as she pleases. Maybe she thinks BIL is feckless and doesn’t deserve bailing out?

Either way, it’s not your business or money.

@Cyclebabble not sure .

We can't allow adult DC anything .
Budgeting and costing is very poor in the UK ie even people on larger salaries can't manage their money.
Any grandparent however can help by giving money to the GC via junior stocks ISA and sipps for later on .

YANBU. My ex in laws are not worth that much, but they had a lot of help from the state, grandparents in terms of childcare, received a nice inheritance but very much pulled the ladder up behind them.

Even going back a generation, the financial and practical support that my grandparents generation offered to their children was enormous. It continued until my grandparents died in their it's/90's. That same support isn't offered down to my own generation even in smaller ways. That isn't about money or free time, it is a shift in how people 'do' family.

I know that people will be on to say that times have changed, people are working longer etc. I don't have a problem with never receiving any help, I've never known any different. What is upsetting is when people of my parents generation refuse to acknowledge that there has been a shift.

Acknowledgement that the way that we are s a society 'do' family is not an acknowledgement that one generation did something wrong. It would be a starting point of a discussion about why that happened and how we all as a society would like to move forward. If that is us moving forward with family care and support becoming the exception rather than the rule I think we all need to be aware and talking about that.

It wasn't stolen though, it paid for her care. The taxpayers are grateful and so, I imagine, are her family who did not have to care for her themselves.

@HeyThereDelila i disagree.

Ops own children are doing better than their cousins so of course it impacts her and this is the line she could use.

Her money wasn’t stolen from her, it was used to pay for her care.