Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

So sad tbh.
Can't force her to give money or help but you would just assume a mother would do what she can to help her children. So sad.
Haa the BIL ask for help? Very hard to swallow your pride and ask for help but maybe she's just so in to herself she's not noticing.

It really sucks living wage slip to wage slip. I did the same for years until I met my husband with my two small children. He now would never see our kids (he calls them his🥰) go without anything and the same as me. Even bought property so the children have something when they are older. Shocks me to think people don't help when they are in a position to. Especially a mother!

OMG, this must be so difficult. Gemini suggests......

Immediate Steps to Take

If you are seeing this happen, it is usually considered a safeguarding emergency.

1. Contact a Solicitor: You need a legal professional to assess whether the person had the capacity to sign those documents.
2. Alert the Bank/Land Registry: If the transfer is in progress, you may be able to put a stay on it if you can prove lack of capacity or undue influence.
3. Power of Attorney (LPA): If they still have some "lucid" moments, they should urgently set up a Lasting Power of Attorney for Property and Financial Affairs. This allows a trusted person to step in and stop these kinds of transactions.
4. Social Services: You can report a "Safeguarding Concern" to the local council. They have a duty to investigate if a vulnerable adult is being financially exploited or making decisions that put them at risk of harm.

Mum and dad lent us £100 so we could buy food for the kids but wanted it back within the month.They are definitely Not skint. They bought my brother a house the following year so he didn't have to rent.
I missed a word out.
That word changes everything! 😆 🤣

She's not hoarding anything. She's choosing not to spend her own money. It's not what I would want to do but ultimately it's her choice and it's none of your business.

Of course she can. I just think the OP (and many others who actually love their children), wouldn't want to see them struggle unnecessarily, when you had the means to help, or at least offer a few treats and nice days out here and there. It's not like she didn't benefit herself from her own parents as the OP has pointed out.

No the money belongs to her.

And if it isn’t all her money then it’s certainly not all of her children’s money.

Those old people going on holidays, enjoying what's left of their lives are so selfish, they should live frugally and give every spare penny to their needy offspring - we should have a new law about this - it's an outrage, people post about well off parents not sharing out their cash with needy relatives every week on here - something should be done - take the houses away from them put them in a small studio, give them a modest sum to live out their days on - they don't need luxuries - they are nearly dead anyway,😉

Again with the transactional. So you only love your children if you give them money when adults?

The older generation really fucked you lot up if that’s how you think.

Once society encouraged people to live lives disconnected from family and community there is no social shame in not helping within the family.
This goes for the elder generation towards the younger, and also the younger towards the elder.

You weren't buying food just for the kids though were you? I'm not saying that you shouldn't eat - but there's a bit of emotional manipulation going in here - and that would annoy me.

Not very affectionate isn’t the same as starving of affection. Thing is, if you’re mean with money you’re often mean in spirit.

I know right 🤣

Of course if they inherit loads from the MIL, then that means they have to live frugally as well as it’s not like they earned it 🤣

Actually there’s an interesting one. If people begrudge people inheriting and think they should give it all to the children, then what happens when they themselves inherit?

And what happens at the end of the line when someone has inherited but has no children? Are they allowed to do what they want?

You have told me all I need to know. MIL and her boyfriend. Therein, I suspect lies your problem. Also, if she was skint as a young woman, she is not used to managing intergenerational wealth.

This is not really about the OP s post.
Yes, I turned the heating off a month ago. We have an electric shower!
Yes I am continuing my kids hobbies. It's important for them to continue them.
The post of the OP is about her MIL not helping her BIL while having a lot of money.
I simply stated I could understand her being puzzled as I am in a similar situation with my mother. And tried to state why.

But it’s only an issue apparently to the younger generations who expect money, childcare, etc and if they don’t get it, withdraw completely

I agree with you, but there's not much you can do about it if that's the way she is.

There is a huge difference between ‘your own money’ and inherited family wealth while it is in one person’s hands.

While I believe that a person can do exactly what they like with their own day to day money, I also believe that the holder of inherited family wealth has a duty to use that wealth to the benefit of the whole family, and especially the education and financial grounding of other family members. And they, in turn, should do so for the next generation. This can be done efficiently and tax efficient structures that benefit everyone.

This has clearly broken down in your family, and it’s very sad for the younger generation.

Does it not occur to you that the reason they aren’t helping you is that they perceive you as just after their money?

I was brought up to believe that it was rude to ask for or expect things and that if someone offered then it was fine. By Boomers actually.

I cringe seeing some of these posts.

Some people are just selfish.
My bff has a millionaire mother yet she refuses to let my friend claim carers allowance. She cares for her daily and sleeps over most of the week.
When my friend's children were small she refused to help her as a single parent. Her partner had left her destitute and homeless. He tried to kill her. No maintenance was ever paid. They lived on pasta.

The millionaire mother needs a new boiler but won't pay for it. She turns an electric fire on. 87 and still hoarding money. My friend is pension age next year herself. She's the only child left.

I don't know how you solve this OP. I'd give my children everything I have and have done!

You weren't buying food just for the kids though were you? I'm not saying that you shouldn't eat - but there's a bit of emotional manipulation going in here - and that would annoy me.

Me and dh could get away with the absolute minimum. Children and 6 and 9 need a bit more sustenance. I was being fed at work, so I would have either breakfast or lunch or lunch and dinner depending on shift 5 days a week.
There was no free breakfast clubs back then and it wasn't only about food.
Also we wasn't asking gor free hand outs, we made it clear we would pay back.

I agree. Meanness and selfishness is such an unattractive quality.

And I’m an old person before someone accuses me of being - god forbid - an entitled young person.

So assuming the OP and their family inherited, they would not be able to spend their money how they like as they would owe it to the next generation. How does that help BIL and SIL? And how much of that if going to be left for their children as it sounds like they will continue to struggle?

It is okay to use the money if you don’t have children? Or should you leave it to some random second cousin 15 times removed?

Just wondering…

And maybe MIL loves her family but expects them to be responsible for their own life choices

So I’m assuming that all those who don’t think she should help (though she has the means) also agree that adult kids who are considerably better off than their parents shouldn’t help those parents, even if they are sitting in a cold council flat and can’t afford to eat and heat.

Could someone explain why it is good and admirable for an adult child to help their adult parents but it’s not alright for an adult parent to help their adult child?

I mean it’s not hoarding if it’s her money…. I’m not hoarding clothes because I own the clothes in my wardrobe and won’t give them to others.

Yes it would be nice if she helped her children. But it’s still her money and they will inherit when she pops her clogs. I wouldn’t do adms she has and would rather move them into my big house for company - but she’s within her rights not to. Have you suggested it to her?