Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

I agree with you OP, probably due to personal experience! DGM died with £1m in her current account, her house sold for £1.5m and she had a property portfolio of 20 similar properties. There was no possible way that she needed all that money for care! She would often make silly comments about why didn’t my teacher cousin just work harder to afford a house in London and that in her day you could buy a lovely three bed house in NE London as a teacher 🙄

I always wonder if the generation before would have done things differently if they knew that the recipient of their generosity weren't continuing to benefit later generations.

@hoardingwealth If MIL's in her 70s and BIL is 50ish, had MIL inherited when her boys were still in education?

If so, I cannot understand a mother not supportng her children's education. Our DC had the best education money could buy, uni fees paid, etc.

For balance, after that level.of support if one of the DC hit 50, was on min wage in a small council house and living hand to mouth, something would have gone badly wrong and I'd want to know what and why before parting with a penny more.

I don't understand how a family with significant inter generational wealth can neglect education and something doesn't stack up here for me.

On one hand I agree. If MIL is that wealthy it would be nice for her to help her son out.

On the other hand, BIL must be around 50 (given you say he and DH will be early 70s when MIL is 95), so maybe he should have made more effort to better himself by his age. If he met his partner later in life, why was he not doing extra training to get himself off MW and into better employment before? Maybe he has a good reason, or perhaps he's one of life's plodders who always hoped it would be just given to him by mummy?

I do find it sad that people would rather die and give their loved ones everything than give some of it away when they're alive and see the benefits (and reap the thanks) of their money.

My DGM died with loads in the bank and it was then split between her children. My DF did a deed of variation so some of it went to me and my siblings so we could put down a house deposit. I'm living it in now and incredibly grateful.

But without his thought to pass it on immediately I would be living in a 2 bed flat with 2 teenage children. Adequate and in a nice area with good schools but surely it's better to do something that makes a tangible difference at the point in life where your loved ones can benefit than to leave them with just enough indefinitely?

I also completely respect people's right to do what they want with their money. My DFIL will leave everything to his second wife because of how much joy she's brought him since he left my DMIL for her. No mention of the joy his DS and DGC have given him over the last 50 years! Nope it's these last 7 that he wants to recognise. But it's his choice and knowing it helps my DH plan to work till his 70 so it's certainly helpful knowing what your DGPs or DPs are planning on doing.

I think it's more harmful if you expect something and get nothing because the time has gone to discuss it and come to terms with it.

So in essence you don't have to like it but it's very useful in helping plan and act accordingly.

You have no idea about what conversations may or may not have already happened. She may have already given them money and it's been wasted. He might have made ridiculous financial decisions that MIL advised against and now doesn't want to fix. There could be many reasons.

Who dies with £1M in their current account? Was she a drug dealer? Did she take a lot of holidays in Mexico? I'd be very suspicious that she wasn't leading some sort of double life (probably an illegal one, at that) to get her hands on that type of money...

I can't even pay those crooks at Thames Water!

@hoardingwealth
Having a direct convo with her may help

Unless she thinks your bil has put you up tonite.

However depending on how often you see her and how easily you can chat ..how you feel she feels about her GC you could try and wend into conservation about investing for GC now.

Eg if she put money into an stocks ISA for her GC now how little she would need to put in for it to be a good amount for GC at 18. In addition she could also contribute to a sipp for her GC and similary that would have decades to accumulate.

Would she be interested in this.?
Perhaps it could be a causal conversation then move into concern for bills kids ? .

Perhaps frame it like your concerned your DC will have more life opportunities and you feel bad for bils kids ? .

Perhaps even lie and say your parents have done the above for your DC so you don't need this but perhaps She could could for her GC ?

I think you all sound grabby. If she gives BIL money, then unless it’s millions he will keep needing it - presumably he would still do a minimum wage job?

You say SIL works term time as they can’t afford childcare.

Maybe she feels that she shouldn’t have to bail them out of a situation they consciously got into (unless they too were minted originally) and that the money will disappear quickly.

Why do you begrudge her so much? That attitude will not make her more generous.

The state can and does move people into care homes that they are willing to fund because of cost. These homes can be not as nice and further away from visitors.

And why should the state pick it up? She’s done exactly the right thing saved up for her old age and then used every penny to make her life more comfortable.

But so many usual variables does she like her GC ? Does she see legacy etc ,does she make other efforts with them ?

Id def go down the route of GC however and that may unlock her thing for bil.

Ooh emotional blackmail. That’s a good idea

Where is your husband and BILs father in all this? Is MIL in a relationship, or single?

It’s not transactional as in it must be something for something but why would you put yourself out and be inconvenienced for someone who clearly would not do the same for you? That is the behaviour of a doormat who has no sense of self worth.

@Birchtree1 you continued to pay for hobbies while turning the heating and hot water for your children off?

is your STBXH not paying CM?

Unlikely. The idea that people are obliged to keep their children everything is rather new.

“She can do what she wants with her money”

yes of course but what does it say about you if that’s what you choose to do with your money?

I couldn’t enjoy living like your MIL if my children were struggling… in her position I would never have allowed them to be in that situation in the first place.

i don’t understand your MIL. Why wouldn’t you help your kids! I would live on bread and water to see my kids and grandkids have the nicer things in life not just the essentials.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta she maybe very self centered and lit ally not thought about her DC nornher GC.
Most people want their own blood line to be secure and supported in life they really don't want their children or GC struggling and living in poverty.

Most people do want to leave their legacy to their family hence mil inheriting her families assists.
Most people want to leave their assets to their family not the gov

I absolutely agree with you. What’s the point of having money if you can’t do good things with it. My mum is an absolute hot mess and completely dysfunctional as a parent and grandparent. But when I got to the point of having children and buying a home in my 30s, she said, here is a portion of your inheritance, do what you need to do with it.

We added it to our deposit to buy our house. She said she’d rather see us enjoy it while she was alive and we had a young family and needed the boost than after she was dead and the kids were grown. For all she has gotten wrong, I am grateful for that.

No, of course, no one owes you anything 🙄 but if you care about your family and are able to acknowledge the incredible privilege that wealth brings, you would want to pull your children and grandchildren up with you if you are a decent loving parent.

My MIL is the same. Owns 6 properties, 5 of which are rented out, plus generous final salary pensions for her and FIL, + government pension etc. Yet when she came to stay with us for 4 months following an operation and we took care of her she was too stingy to even buy us a take away as a thank you. She asked one day, I gave her the menu, she baulked at the cost and told me to cook instead! DH has been unemployed for awhile yet it doesn't even cross her mind that it would be nice of her to buy us a meal as a thank you.

I try to keep my thoughts to myself and just think of the inheritance that me and the kids will get. Nothing you can do to change their mindset.

It’s not how I choose to do things. We have helped our children and will do so in the future whilst we are young and around to see them benefit from it. BUT, I can’t stand it when people feels entitled to someone else’s money and if my children had that attitude, I wouldn’t be happy.

We have a relative who have said that it wouldn’t hurt us to help them out as they are struggling. They’re not, they’re just not as financially secure as we are. Entitled fuckers.

So not being greedy is being a doormat?

Parents give up a lot for their children. Then for those children to turn round and say they want more or they will leave the parent to get on with it is transactional.

The one thing the older generation does seem to have fucked up is the sense of entitlement they seem to have given to their children.

And she doesn’t need anything from them so that’s clearly frustrating.

You don’t know you will get it though. She could leave it to charity.

If I was rich and had the slightest hint that my potential beneficiaries were resenting me like that, I would do that