Wealthy MIL hoarding money

[hoardingwealth]

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

I agree.

It is, of course Mil's money to do as she likes with, but the truth is DH and I only really enjoy money (apart from the occasional treat just for us here and there) as a means to provide nicely for our dc.

Ours admittedly are still young, but I don't envisage not still wanting to help them as adults.

Honestly, if you want money go and make your own, it's their choice what they do with their money.

It’s interesting because many times women and girls are admonished to ‘be kind’.
And we teach kids that ‘sharing is caring’.

But when proper wealth is involved it changes to ‘it’s their money’. The power dynamic changes.

OP your MIL is a common trope, there’s one in the new Magic Faraway Tree film.

Does she give other things instead? Is she thoughtful and helpful and a joy to be with? Does she do charity work or volunteer? Is she essentially a good person but just doesn’t see the point of spending money on her children?

Eh? Neither DH or BIL has ever asked for any money. They never even hint at it. MIL can clearly see with her own eyes, how BIL is living, because their house is tiny and they have no treats, no meals out, no holidays etc. MIL can see that BIL buys the kids clothes second hand. MIL can see the state of the car they drive. She knows. And yet BIL has never asked for a bean. So why would MIL think that anyone was "after her money"?? You're just making stuff up.

Well I cringe at your posts. Banging on about people being money grabbing and just after money and lecturing everyone.

I’ve got no skin in the game and nothing to gain by the OP’s MIL parting with a bit of her good fortune but I can see that a generous nature is infinitely better than a tightfisted, self centred one.

Even more so given that the MIL benefitted so much from other people’s hard work herself.

I did the opposite to this. I used a huge amount of my earnings to care for my parents. My siblings did nothing. I had to give up work. It cost me hundreds of thousands.
We were left with very little when they both passed. Two of my siblings had paid off their mortgages and still expected an inheritance from my parents. They were unlucky.

My dad and his wife have done the same. Not as rich as your mother in law (they have about two million) but we never see a penny of it. They wouldn’t so much as buy you a coffee.

It’s annoying as it’s all inherited wealth but it’s their decision. I’m okay financially but a couple of siblings have had periods where they were out of work unexpectedly and a bailout would’ve been appreciated.

I think they just don’t realise how easy they’ve had it which is the thing that does annoy me. They are the type that roll their eyes if I buy a coffee because there’s instant Lidl granules at their house I could have instead.

Just as elderly parents should be as well, and never get any kind of help from their adult kids, whether it’s money or care. That way all generations know where they stand and can detach without emotion.

I would love nothing more than to be wealthy enough to help out my DC & DGC. It would bring me so much happiness to win the lottery & share the money with my family. My parents & siblings would get some too.
I just don’t understand the mindset of not helping your own DC have a comfortable life. Unless there’s a huge backstory of gambling, debt, drug abuse, crime etc then why would you sit back & watch them struggle? Maybe not buying them houses if you think they are lazy & entitled and not trying to work hard but helping out with GDC costs ( clothes , activities) at the very least . What’s it all for if you just sit looking at your growing bank balance knowing your skint DC resent you?

I wonder if this is down to a combination of growing up poor and now having a boyfriend who likes to spend.

I grew up (and remained) very very poor. It makes you more likely to hoard money because you just can't get your head around having enough to give money away - your brain is always saying 'yes, but what if it happens again?' So you hoard by nature. But having a boyfriend who presumably knows she is very wealthy, he will likely be persuading her to spend out on stuff. Maybe someone could ask HIM to persuade MIL to give some money to her family (if he phrased it as avoiding IT she's more likely to go for it).

So I think it's a mix of the feeling she 'has' to hoard the money because of her past, and a desire to impress and keep a man who does nothing to discourage that.

Clearly it’s her own money, blah blah blah. But I do find this mindset bizarre! I have a savings account which I consider to be money for when the kids want to go to university/learn to drive/go on some ridiculously expensive but very important school trip, etc. You get what I mean. It’s not lots! But it’s a little something.
And I’ll keep adding to that once they are adults in the hope that I’ll have a little bit to help them out with. I don’t have to do that, but it feels really important that I do and I think that’s normal. My grandparents who were on minimum wage their whole lives gave me a few hundred pounds when I was first pregnant. I think that want to help is normal.
It would feel so wrong to have had that help from above me and not pass it forward.

So we’ll be hearing no more about how ‘boomers’ hoard wealth and large properties and how selfish they are because they had it so good and the younger generations are not benefitting. Well that’s good to hear at least.

I hope your Mil leaves it all to charity rather than grabby family.

She probably has her reasons. Maybe she thinks it wasn't good for her having been given so much? Maybe she is worried that it will hurt the ambition of her sons (who are both working minimum wage jobs. Nothing wrong with that, someone has to do those jobs, but have neither of them aspired to help themselves to a better place?). Maybe she doesn't think they will help her in her old age? What kind of relationship do they have?

She's not doing anything wrong deciding what to do with her money. I can't imagine having that much and not helping my children, but I suspect she has some logic behind it she finds reasonable.

No. Birthday/Christmas presents are average. There's no charity work. She has seen DH & BIL have misfortune before (financial) and has found it amusing.

OP, What sort of gifts does MIL give at Christmas/Birthdays? Do you ever go out for family meals etc? Who pays if you do? Is she good to herself or just generally a mean skinflint?

ETA just seen your last post. Cross posted

I think maybe you have to love and like them to want to do that? It could be she simply doesn’t love or like her kids.

You read it here often enough: parents resent their children and wish they hadn’t had them. Maybe she’s been hoping this whole time that they would leave her alone.

That’s fine but I hope it’s enough otherwise they will be whining like some of the people on here

Amusing?!

It's her money, so it's her decision- I don't know why you are even thinking about- it's not your money so there is no point thinking about how you would allocate it if you were in MIL's position. Don't look forward to any money- if MIL lives to be 95 but goes into care at 92-93, which is common, there will be no money.
You have no way of knowing what MIL thinks of BIL's lifestyle, they may have fallen out over this, and not helping him is quite intentional.
Many parents who do not come from money do not believe in leaving an inheritance as a moral imperative- it's your life you should fund it, end of story.
It also sounds as if much of her wealth may have come from marriage, not her parents-so she may not believe in leaving an inheritance, even if there is money she may leave it to a charity- many people do.

Exactly that. And/or doesn’t like the DILs because they are grabby.

Whilst inheritance is nice, it’s still every generation’s responsibility to make their own choices and not expect their arses wiped all the time.

Some people need to be asked.
My FIL is wealthy, my own parents are not. My parents regularly give money to me and my siblings, once or twice a year. They live very simply and their excess pension just accrues, so they pass a bit on, usually at Christmas.
My FIL doesn't do this, it just doesn't occur to him, but twice in the last ten years when DH has dropped money issues into convo, he's offered us a chunk of money for a specific thing, he's paid for the flooring in my current home for example.
Perhaps BIL needs to ask? Could he stay in one of the properties for a peppercorn rent for example?

some people are just like that. stop thinking about it/her. thats what i do. my in laws are similar. they have never helped my DH - in fact they’ve always had spending ideas every time he had any large amount of ‘extra money’. take her for what she is - a self centered individual. in laws have told my dh not to expect any inheritance as they will ‘spend it all’. lovely people. i learn that these type of people are not generous with emotional support neither so no point in spending any energy on them

The fact the OP isn’t even her daughter is what would make this particularly galling. She may think OP is a gold digger. Yes they are family by marriage but it’s not her mother so she doesn’t get to say what she should do,

So If they had given you money while not being emotionally available, you would have a good relationship ? Or if they had not given you money but were emotionally available would you?

Tell me why that’s not transactional