AIBU to worry that my adult daughter is keeping her distance?

[Lowenn]

Hi all, my eldest DD is 25.
She moved away for university in France in 2018. After her degree, she did her masters in Italy which lasted 2 years, since then she has lived in Geneva and briefly Lisbon.
Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.
We haven’t properly seen her since Easter of 2024, so 2 years.
We tried to go and visit her without messaging first, she said she was too busy to even stop for lunch or dinner. We basically spent about 15 minutes with her, that was last year.
She sent a message afterwards saying that she did not appreciate us turning up without being invited and if we did it again she wouldn’t be so kind.
We have asked many times when we can go visit, she always says she’s too busy. We have asked her to come visit us, too busy. When my mum died last year, she sent flowers and a card, didn’t even call, didn’t come to the funeral.

Now I’ve been worried for a while, but she seems to be doing well and I thought maybe this was just her spreading her wings. I try to call her once a month. The last 2 have been really short.
Finally this afternoon she picked up, I asked how Geneva was, and she replied oh didn’t I tell you I moved back to Paris, in January!!
I asked for her new address as I send cards and presents. She didn’t reply.
I messaged her after the call asking for it again, she said she would rather not give it this time as she doesn’t trust us not to show up unprompted.

I am terribly worried, she had a good childhood, we have very good relationships with our two younger children, I don’t understand what’s gone wrong.

AIBU to be worried, what do I do?

Yes I should have been in care and yes she should have been in jail. I didn't even realise it was abuse until I was 40. I remember watching Mama Mia 2 with my friends all crying at the christening scene and feeling nothing. It was all so normal being hurt and hated.

My kids are overall great and loving. Very entitled at times but unfortunately however hard you try, you can not prevent not being a perfect parent. I love them and want them to do well which has to be enough. It's hard to belive my mum wanted that for me. The one person who should love you unconditionally ruined me. It's something so abhorrent I feel uniquely unworthy..who's mum hates them? Vanishingly few I'd bet.

To have a mum that loves you seems such a low bar as enough. But it's really not something I can even imagine. Nor think about. I tell my kids I love them. They tell me. But it's always there a bit. Wondering what's normal. Your 22 year son reaching out to hold your hand while you make tea. Or your mum telling me no one would ever love me at that age because I'm fat ugly and stupid ( and a graduate).

I do find these topics a bit eye opening. My mum once said she never touched me once. She knew. She would not have flown to another country to check I was still OK. There's abuse and there's abuse. Overstepping boundary by showing up announced might be abusive as part of a pattern but I feel for OP.

I never cut my mum off. My son said he was upset I didn't fully back him in a stupid desision two years ago. I'm never going to lie to him to keep him happy. As a parent I'm not his unconditional cheerleader. I'm his parent. Let his partner blow hot air up his bum. I'm just here to love him, don't set out to hurt him. He knows my story. Yet still expects perfection from me. I hope one day they can see more clearly.

They would disagree. Some people would be out of jobs if everyone thought they had a great childhood

Perhaps he doesn't expect perfection but just wants his feelings accepted? It doesn't mean you agree, but you could acknowledge.

I think @DyslexicPostersounds like an awesome mum. I agree with her that it isn't good parenting to validate every choice they make, good or bad. We owe our children love and honesty. They should be able to rely on us to tell them the truth, point out potential pitfalls and to look out for their wellbeing. That doesn't mean always agreeing with them or supporting actions we don't believe are beneficial.

In your post I quoted, you said that anorexic sufferers feel out of control of their life. The second paragraph, you state: Whilst there isn’t one type of parent that can cause this, typical patterns include parents having high expectations and perfectionism, being overly protective or controlling… Maybe you said this isn’t about blame. Reading those words, it really is

She'll have a very good reason, adult children do not reduce or cut contact with no reason and a lot of pain, it is a very difficult decision that she's been brave enough to make so respect it.

The fact your pestering her, have turned up unannounced as well as your assertion that she had a good childhood says it all.

My parents would decribe my childhood just as you describe your daughters; normal, close relationships, stable, parents still together, materially well off in comparison to others. However I have been left with dreadful complex trauma and complex post traumatic stress disorder from their "normal" upbringing. She had an eating disorder which is a sign of needing to control a life they otherwise have no control over. You say that it was caused by something she was taking part in.....you sure about that? because I wouldn't bet on it!

She's healing by being away from you, the effort and emotional spend it will have taken her to answer your call will be immense and will take her days to recover.

Please leave her alone, it's the least you can do after whatever went on.

I have acknowledged. We are very open with each other. He dropped out of uni on day 3 of his first year. He wanted me to reassure him he was making the best choice. I thought he could try the entire week.i have told him it's not my job to tell him what he wants to hear. It's my job to tell him what he needs to hear. But I only say it the once. He is then free to take on the 20k of debt for three days or what ever the debt was in the end

Likewise it's not my job to reassure him he was right if he left his partner for an affair, or to hit someone who annoyed him, to murder someone or to rape. Anything I'm not OK with I'm not obligated to support. He certainly doesn't support me in choices he doesn't like ( like buying a nicer car as I'm wasting my money).

It's very possible to be completely open, honest and apologise but retain some sence of my own belief system. Going lightly on trying uni for less than a week I personally feel feeds into his sence of entitlement. But I did go lightly. Mostly not as a favour to do him good, but to make my life easier to maintain a relationship with him.

A stronger parent would have been more honest. I pander to him a lot more than I should for a easier life knowing his student debt isn't mine to pay off.

I'm really not prepaired to ask him what I could do to be perfect as it would be determinatal to my MH to strive to please him. My life has been too screwed over for too many years as it is for others whims.

as someone who had anorexia and bulimia between 13 and 23 I do agree that there are certain parenting styles that are closely linked to anorexia

and it’s not about blame because I’m not blaming my parents for their parenting style. I know they did the best with what they could

@YourShyLion Can I ask what your parents did - or didn't - do to leave you with dreadful complex trauma and complex post traumatic stress disorder from their "normal" upbringing? Was it physical, sexual or emotional abuse on a truly awful scale? I'm sorry you have suffered so much.

this is so true and a completely under recognised point.

We are in a very similar situation it’s broken us we’ve asked and asked why , what did we do we get no answer . We’ve beat ourselves up as to what did we miss what happened and we didn’t think it was a big deal , we’ve asked our other two children if we did something terrible and we didn’t realise it was horrendous they too are baffled. It’s getting quite common with AC I think , we joined support groups and there’s soo many of us parents in this boat

Honestly, that’s such an outrageous question. It’s strange that you think you are entitled to ask that.

Nothing horrible apart from all the invisible emotional neglect over the years. Definitely no expectations of being in the will, happy for all to go to my siblings, wouldn't want a penny of it.

Sorry, feeling especially bitter today.

Nothing horrible apart from all the invisible emotional neglect over the years. Definitely no expectations of being in the will, happy for all to go to my siblings, wouldn't want a penny of it.
Sorry, feeling especially bitter today.

This is tricky OP.
what does she do for work? Could she be embarrassed about her job/situation? Any sign of anything else going on? Drugs, relationship issues? Struggling with her sexuality?
how is she moving so easily around EU?!
Did something happen with her and her grandparents or another family member which is why she’s keeping her distance?
it could of course be you being overbearing , I say that in the nicest way possible.
is there another family member who could gently approach her? Her siblings are a lot younger I wonder is she feels she wasn’t supported in the way she should have been. It doesn’t matter if you think she was she may not feel like that. Gently remind her she’s always welcome and she can talk to you anytime

Don't like them, and not interested in them.

I'm so sorry.
I definitely disagree with all the people saying there must have been something, children don't do this without a reason.
It's become socially acceptable, and many of them do do it without a reason or because they have not learnt to appreciate that their perceptions can be skewed.
So very sorry. I feel for you.

My husband is Russian, he came her to the UK to study in the late 90's and I think for about 10 years only saw his parents twice and was always very cagey about his life with them. He only really started to want to see his family more often once we got together and especially once we had children. His parents are in a city not far from Moscow and unfortunately we don't see them as often as we'd like but we do now have weekly video calls with them. He's also very much engaged with my wider family but prior to us being together family life seemed anathema to him for some reason. I've witnessed this myself with a cousin in New Zealand, he really had Zero interest in family life till he met his now wife and had kids.

Margaret Thatcher did similar. Supposedly never went back to visit her parents in Grantham once she left for university and only saw them again at her wedding.

I'm the same age as that DD. It baffles me that people can treat kind, loving parents this way. I used to have resentment for stuff in the past. I realise how wrong I was and how much I love my parents. All this thread has made me do is go give my mum a hug and tell her how much I love her.

Yes they weren't perfect but they've done everything for us. I would never treat my parents like this.

What don't you like about them? Is there actual abuse or the whole "we are just very different people"?

Thinking about it there are certainly a lot of people on this site that don't value human connection in general. That only want to focus on their partner or "little family" or who claim to be too busy for other people. Maybe in some cases it's not so much that the parents did anything particularly terrible but that the adult child doesn't do relationships in general.

Good for you that you had kind and loving parents!

I think those that are blaming the OP for trying all she can (turning up in the same city - not at her house) to make contact haven’t dealt with an adult child with a mental illness or similar.
I watched my in-laws over the years try to save my husband from his escalating bipolar disorder. They would have done anything to help him be well, avoid legal and financial consequences and stay safe. He was foul to them when ill, loved them so much and appreciated what they did when not. Things are often very complex and compassion is important for and between adult children, mothers, and parents.
They were right btw he eventually took his own life. They were good people and didn’t cause his problems.

There are some things I disagree about, and some things that hurt me. But I know it came from a place of wanting the best for me, even if the actions taken were misguided.