AIBU to worry that my adult daughter is keeping her distance?

[Lowenn]

Hi all, my eldest DD is 25.
She moved away for university in France in 2018. After her degree, she did her masters in Italy which lasted 2 years, since then she has lived in Geneva and briefly Lisbon.
Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.
We haven’t properly seen her since Easter of 2024, so 2 years.
We tried to go and visit her without messaging first, she said she was too busy to even stop for lunch or dinner. We basically spent about 15 minutes with her, that was last year.
She sent a message afterwards saying that she did not appreciate us turning up without being invited and if we did it again she wouldn’t be so kind.
We have asked many times when we can go visit, she always says she’s too busy. We have asked her to come visit us, too busy. When my mum died last year, she sent flowers and a card, didn’t even call, didn’t come to the funeral.

Now I’ve been worried for a while, but she seems to be doing well and I thought maybe this was just her spreading her wings. I try to call her once a month. The last 2 have been really short.
Finally this afternoon she picked up, I asked how Geneva was, and she replied oh didn’t I tell you I moved back to Paris, in January!!
I asked for her new address as I send cards and presents. She didn’t reply.
I messaged her after the call asking for it again, she said she would rather not give it this time as she doesn’t trust us not to show up unprompted.

I am terribly worried, she had a good childhood, we have very good relationships with our two younger children, I don’t understand what’s gone wrong.

AIBU to be worried, what do I do?

Maybe because they parents of the DD are not kind and loving, thats usually the reason. If you had decent parents and fell out a few times, thats very different from having toxic parents. Thats a healthy home with some disagreements that youre describing.

Its v hard to understand toxic parents when youve not had parents like that.

OP, I dont know what your situation is with your DD, just making a general observation.

I’m no psychologist and don’t know the reasons why she is doing this, but I would be pretty sure it’s connected to her previous anorexia. I don’t mean she’s going back to that, but whatever in her brain drove her to anorexia is just choosing a different control. I’m not articulating what I mean well, but if she hadn’t had anorexia she probably wouldn’t be doing this low nc thing either. Basically her irrational thinking is taking over again.

Again, good for you!

💔

Hear me out...

Could it be that her affluent childhood has actually turned her into someone a bit spoiled, thoughtless, mindless, spiteful? She's always had what she wanted. It sounds like she was quite zealous about her sport, to the point she became anorexic. Therefore, when she dislikes something (her body, her family, boys, where she lives) - She gets rid.

Became anorexic, dumps a boy, moves cities entirely, cuts off her family. It could be that she is mentally unwell, or is undiagnosed ND, or she's just not a very nice person and her grown to be condescending and crass toward her own family. Obviously, when you're not around, she can be anorexic without you knowing - Like you have pointed out.

You have said she had a normal childhood, but being fixated on a sport to the point of anorexia; is not normal.

Additionally, when one fixation and addiction ends; there is such thing as 'addiction transference'. Could she be addicted to drugs? To moving? To her job? To her own rigidly set ways? To throwing up?

You could try and make a welfare referral for her area. Try and contact mental health services in your area and ask them what you can do, how you can support your daughter, and if there is a way of getting a welfare check for someone abroad. Surely where she is living will have some form of police and welfare check services.

It could be she's being trafficked.

Either way, you need a massive talk with her. If you feel she's hesitant to talk - That's a red flag. Don't tell her you'll be making referrals.

If she's OK to talk and you don't feel there are any red flags, then bloody wipe the floor with her! Her poor siblings don't deserve to be treated like this. You could also go via her siblings. Does the brother message her on social media? Can you check his messages?

None of this is meant to insult, but I'm just trying to look at it from an opposite perspective. Sometimes a shiny childhood can result in a child wanting to be wild and rebellious as an adult. I think when life skews heavily one way, even when it's a privileged one it can have some negative results.

Bloody hell don't do that. Completely ridiculous.

Psychologists and psychiatrists have no way of actually knowing what anyone’s “real” circumstances are, and hence they can’t agree or disagree on the actual circumstances. What they have knowledge of, after several sessions with their client/patient, is their patient’s feelings. They will also get snippets of past experiences etc the way their patient will revisit them, but therapy sessions are primarily based on discussing feelings and unpacking them. That’s what the PP meant. If a patient has gone to their sessions with a lot of sadness and negativity about their childhood, that would be in contradiction to what oftentimes parents “remember” their children’s childhood was like.

A therapist will not disagree with their patient’s feelings because it’s their job not to, and that’s not a bad thing. It’s precisely their job to sit quiet and allow the patient to explore and express their feelings, precisely without being doubted and disbelieved. That’s why therapy is called a safe space. Nobody can interrupt you in therapy and tell you your feelings are wrong and invalid. And that’s a good thing.

Of course a good therapist is there to listen - and challenge their patient if safe to do so. That helps the patient build the required tools to manage their feelings and reframe situations and grow and be stronger. Nobody wants to go to therapy just to sit across from a sycophant who just nods and agrees blindly. That’s not therapy, that would be ChatGPT regurgitating sycophantic platitudes.

Are you COMPLETELY insane? OP's daughter is an adult. A 25-year-old woman. With a (presumably high-paying) job, own life, place to live, etc. And you want to set the police on her, psych team, social care, 'demand' she talks to the OP, 'wipe the floor' with her if she doesn't perform to your expectations? We're talking about a person who was angry with her parents for showing up unannounced. And you're saying that mommy dearest calling the police or a mental health team to check on her is a grand idea.

OP, if you're reading and have any sense - DO NOT DO any of it, if you ever want to see her again.

My mother did something similar to what that poster suggested. There were multiple issues in my childhood, physical and mental abuse, etc, not going into details here, I could write a book. I went very low-contact with her once I was 18. I moved to the other side of the country. So that's exactly what she did: she went to the police, harassed my friends, etc. It didn't stem from any sort of 'love' or care; it was control. She couldn't deal with the fact that I didn't jump when she told me so, didn't live how she wanted, didn't go to the uni she wanted, didn't dress how she wanted, didn't look how she wanted, didn't have rich friends like she wanted, didn't date rich men like she wanted - it was always her way or the highway. And because I refused to let her live her imaginary life through me, she decided to wage a war.

After the stunt with the police and harassment of my friends, I dropped out of uni, packed a suitcase and moved abroad, putting a few thousand kilometres between us. Didn't tell my address to a single person who knew me, so that she couldn't bully anyone out of it. And I didn't speak to her for the next 15 years.

Yes it can! There are 1000s of estranged parents that have no idea why. There's a lot of " you overstepped my boundaries", "its to protect my mental health" stuff they've read and heard online/tik tok etc. What about the parents boundaries and mental health? When a child has had a good upbringing, parents dealing with their own worries/jobs/stress yet still keep going but maybe they said "no" once in a while and are now being accused of causing mental stress. When other AC have no idea why their siblings have gone NC? Its an epidemic atm and does not bode well for the grandchildren who are missing out on the wider family and adults who love and care for them but they dont get to know. Personally I think a lot make poor decisions that they dont want to own and so blame their mother/father. But when your AC has left home and is making adult decisions, as you had to, its up to them to own the bad along with the good and not blame their parents. Some kids have bad lives and abusive parents so going NC is a good thing but it is becoming the norm for many 20 somethings sadly.

No police or PI or investigators should be sent. At all. That would definitely push her away and it's her choice to not be contacted (despite how hurtful it would be for the DParents)

Just gave my own mum a hug after seeing this thread.

I can see why your child is NC. You are telling on yourself in your post.

Probably a wildly unpopular opinion but I think some children are so assured of a "safe space" with their parents that they can afford to cosplay the whole boundary setting and no contact and grey rocking etc. But when they need something or they've had enough they come back and nothing is alluded to it anymore. Only saying this from experience

I’m very sorry to hear that.

Your situation clearly differs from the one I have described. I’m not disputing for a minute that plenty of people manipulate their own narrative, which must also be incredibly frustrating and hurtful.

Either way, result!

You know nothing about me or if I even have kids. I know a lot of women in my circle who have AC that no longer have contact and they were and still are good mothers doing the best they can. No one is perfect, my mother wasn't, but she loved us, and did the best for for us and I appreciated how much she did. I spoke to her most days, saw her regularly and was with her when she died, she deserved that from me. I read a piece by a woman who went NC with her mother, blamed her for everything then had her own children. She then realised that her mother was dealing with her own problems, was learning how to be a mother when she had kids of her own and that she was doing the best she could at the time. She made up with her mother, and now counsels estranged parents. In a group of 7 women met on holiday 4 had estranged AC and couldn't understand why. So you can think what you like about me, you have no idea about my life or the people in it. It made me smile how you came back with what you did. Makes me think maybe you are one of those AC that has dumped their parent for no reason that couldn't have been sorted if both parties were willing to try 🤔

Well,sadly, this

I used to have a lot of anger and resentment and used to want to go NC. I fully changed my mind because I realised that everything (even if I vehemently disagreed with it) was done for a genuine concern for my well being. I know how much was done for me..how much love and affection they have.

One thing OP that really stood out from your final response to date on here, is that you told your DD that she could quit her sport at any point if she wanted to.

That just doesn’t sit right with me, particularly as she was apparently competing internationally. It just implies that you were perhaps very much a part of the driving force behind this. So when she decided to give it up at 16, when it must have completely consumed her life, how must she have felt?

Was it a case of “Well we can’t say we’re not disappointed, but we respect your decision” etc?

If that’s the case, then she must have felt like the sheer effort and anorexia she was going through was a complete waste of so many years, and she was an utter failure to you.

A PP mentioned that your DD may be exhibiting patterns of leaving behind versions of herself that didn’t work out, so she can have a fresh start in a new city, and it sounds like the failure of her sport career was the start, and you as her parents are unfortunately part of what she needs to leave behind in order to regain her sense of self again (and again).

I think thats a really good way to see it well done. I had counselling some years ago after abuse from XH. Talking g about my childhood brought up some things I hadn't realised had affected me as an adult. That said I knew my mum was tough but she was always there, always supportive, proud of our achievements and was a hard worker. She was firm, told us that nothing came free if we wanted things we would have to work for them. She told us to do our best, work hard, be kind and help where we could. She didnt always get it right but even now at nearly 70 I still miss her and when things are hard wish I could just have one more hug. She wasn't overly "cuddly" but when you needed her that hug could solve all your problems. As long as your parents aren't abusive and are doing the best with what they have I think thats all they can do.

Ohdefoof my respise was meant for you, well done for seeing that there might just have been good intentions.

I’d back off a little bit but as soon as you get the opportunity to tell her how proud you are that she’s doing well and enjoying her independence and the door is always open, I’d take it. I’d also take the chance to apologise for turning up unannounced and promise not to do that again (although I think you did nothing wrong there OP).

She is in the “therapy speak” age and it’s all about being acceptable to “let them” and go “NC”. Hate pandering to this shit but she’s your daughter, you’ll have to be friendly and breezy and give her space and hope she gets over herself sometime soon. I’d be fucking devastated but anything you do will be wrong if you push it.

She’s not alone in ending up with eating disorders from gymnastics/ballet/dance and yes, you’ll be worried but you just have to trust that those days are behind her. So hurtful how she dealt with her grandmothers passing too, so sorry for you

She might just not like you. I know that's hard to hear, but it's how my sibling felt about our parents

I think you have gave a lovely response and I can see absolute why you would want to support the o.p. I don't really want to pile on as there is many real people at the other side of the story which we will never know and never hear there side of. But....

"We have asked, but not recently. She just replied nothing is wrong, I just like my independence, it’s not always about you"

Why are people ignoring what the daughter has said, can people not see this history and feeling behind the statement

Yes always has been. Quite often they tell me how blessed they are to have me. I'm happy to have them.

I had so much resentment in the past, but that's all gone away.

Well said, what a bizarre post