AIBU to worry that my adult daughter is keeping her distance?

[Lowenn]

Hi all, my eldest DD is 25.
She moved away for university in France in 2018. After her degree, she did her masters in Italy which lasted 2 years, since then she has lived in Geneva and briefly Lisbon.
Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.
We haven’t properly seen her since Easter of 2024, so 2 years.
We tried to go and visit her without messaging first, she said she was too busy to even stop for lunch or dinner. We basically spent about 15 minutes with her, that was last year.
She sent a message afterwards saying that she did not appreciate us turning up without being invited and if we did it again she wouldn’t be so kind.
We have asked many times when we can go visit, she always says she’s too busy. We have asked her to come visit us, too busy. When my mum died last year, she sent flowers and a card, didn’t even call, didn’t come to the funeral.

Now I’ve been worried for a while, but she seems to be doing well and I thought maybe this was just her spreading her wings. I try to call her once a month. The last 2 have been really short.
Finally this afternoon she picked up, I asked how Geneva was, and she replied oh didn’t I tell you I moved back to Paris, in January!!
I asked for her new address as I send cards and presents. She didn’t reply.
I messaged her after the call asking for it again, she said she would rather not give it this time as she doesn’t trust us not to show up unprompted.

I am terribly worried, she had a good childhood, we have very good relationships with our two younger children, I don’t understand what’s gone wrong.

AIBU to be worried, what do I do?

She sounds like a bit of an arsehole tbh

This is quite odd. If we’re you, I would take some time to draft a proper ‘letter’ (message) for her. I would not frame it as being worried, but more how hurt you are that she doesn’t seem to want you in her life, that you want her to have independence and amazing experiences where ever she lives and never want to stand in her way, but that you would love to sometimes hear about them in whatever detail she will share. I would also politely point out that she is not too busy to occasionally text her mother, she is making an active choice not to and that is upsetting. Urge her that if she has any upset with you she shares it, but that you have always done what you thought best, love and care for her, and most of all miss her. That you don’t expect her to move back or tell you every detail of her life, but that you just want to know she thinks of you sometimes and wants to share with yoy

I have a son not too dissimilar to your daughter. He's also my only child. He lives only ten miles away but I hardly ever see him and if I call or text I either don't get a reply or a short one weeks later (or if he needs something). His father passed years ago but we weren't together. Like you OP I feel I hardly know him anymore. He has a big birthday coming soon and he's just told me he will be away on holiday. I also have no idea what to buy someone who is becoming a stranger to me. I am also an only child and don't suppose he will be there for me in my latter years. It makes me sad but there is nothing I can do.

Is there a reason you’ve ghosted them? What age where you when you did it?

OP, I think you’ve had a good range of answers here, hopefully they will give you some food for thought on how to go about it.

FWIW, I live abroad too and see my family probably every 2 years, on average. I don’t recall a time in my life when I didn’t want to live somewhere else, if I had it my way I probably would have had a very similar life to your daughter. I’m not claiming this is motivated by purely healthy intentions, I’m just trying to say she’s not alone, it’s not that unusual. Trying to figure out the why will drive you insane. It might be something you have no idea about.

Saying that, I wouldn’t show up unannounced again. My father is nearing retirement and I’m already on edge thinking he’s just going to show up where I live. I don’t want him to visit me here, I like my life the way it is.

I agree with a PP who suggested email or something along those lines. Keep communication open, an update every now and then. My favourite aunt and I do letters back and forth a few times a year! It’s cute and non-invasive (my aunt hates phone calls).

I’m sorry this is where things are at the moment, but it doesn’t mean it will always be like this. My perspective on family changed a lot as I aged.

I would ask her again until she gives a reasonable answer and tell her be brutally honest with me I can handle it , I would be worried too coz of being in a foreign country she can be controlled by someone not to make you even more worried but these things happen tell her I know you don’t want us to see you or visit you I just need to know why and after I will leave you alone .

Maybe the reason for her avoidance could be more on your husband side then yours. You sound warm and lovely.

Could you maybe ask her if you could visit her without him? What is his take on it?

This must feel very difficult you have every right to feel concerned and turning up out of the blue is something normal concerned parents would do.. so don't give yourself a hard time over that.
Maybe she is just spreading her wings enjoying her freedom .
Maybe you could say to her you understand her need for privacy and independence but could you still all check in just so we know you are well and safe .
Say your siblings miss you its important you keep in touch .
Big hugs being a parent is difficult.

I feel like I was your DD a bit in my 20s. My parents weren’t awful but I just never really felt able to be openly myself with them. It sounds like her teen years were a pressure cooker. Maybe she just needs time to find herself because she never really had the space to do that before? High achieving girls can feel very trapped by other people’s expectations, even from the people who love them and are trying to support them. Maybe she just needs that privacy. Keep the door open, leave voice notes or send texts every few weeks or month. Trust that she will come round. Suspend your curiosity now and maybe you will get to meet a genuinely happier woman than the “under pressure but keeping a lid on it” girl you knew.

@Forgotthebins What you say about finding herself might be true, but never phoning your parents, seldom picking up their phone calls, and not seeing them for over two years is pretty unpleasant behavior. She's treating them as if they're unworthy of her attention.

Unless they've been abusive, they don't deserve to be treated like this. Imagine how she'd feel if they treated her that way, it's so hurtful.

The reason I've done it: I don't like them and I have no interest in them.

Age 50

What don't you like about them?

Lols. I think maybe you're over-investing in my situation.

Actually, I'm super!

I can't give much advice, despite being low contact with my mum. When I tried to explain why, it didn't feel like it would apply in your situation. I'm sorry you're so worried and sad about this.

Gave both my parents a hug today. I probably have "reasons" to go NC. Calling me fat as my weight was approaching the obesity path, getting told off for bad grades. But honestly, I can argue a bit, be angry but I know behind all this was a genuine concern my long term well being.

Let me guess. She ghosted her parents when she was fifty. So they were probably in their late seventies or early eighties, had given her all the support she needed and were starting to need support themselves. I wonder whether she had bled them dry financially. If not, here's hoping they leave their money to the cat's home.

My parents were largely oblivious as to what a truly awful experience I had living out my teenage years with them. They think our family is like the brady bunch. If she is not being human trafficked, then give her space. If you keep intruding on her boundaries, she will cut you all off entirely.

Like I understand if there was abuse. She doesn't have to say what it was, just that it happened. That makes sense. The whole huff and puff "eh I don't like them I binned them look at me" doesn't look good.

I really feel for you OP. If I was to guess what was going on I would say that your DD probably felt quite smothered as a teen - with her challenges you maybe had no choice - and this is her reaction to that. Give her space and just tell her you love her and are here when she needs you or indeed just when she wants to talk it out

I don't get the fawning responses here. You turned up unannounced and uninvited, like you get some over arching say in your ADULT daughter's life? And you wonder why she won't give you her address again? What??? I wish her well in being rid of you.

I think this is good advice. Keep the communications channels open. Say you would love her to visit when she wants to or you would love to meet in another city for ten day/an overnight.

Ensure no pressure. I think landing in her city with no notice and demanding she free herself up was a huge mistake! Apologise for this.

I agree that turning up unannounced was a mistake @SavageTomato. But I think I can understand why they did it given that she wasn't phoning them, seldom answered their calls/messages, and they hadn't seen her for months. They thought something bad was happening/had happened to her.

She's treating them as if they're unworthy of her attention, which is very hurtful, and I'm sure that she'd hate to be treated in that way.

I don’t get it either.

for every poster saying OP sounds lovely, there are many many who would gush over my mother.

“She’s so amazing with her charity work” - just as long as everyone sees her doing it and she doesn’t actually have to get her hands dirty.

”you’re so lucky to have such a supportive mother” - she’s not. Never showed up to a celebration of my success in my life including graduation, masters, call.

“She’s such an inspiration you must be so proud of her success” - she’s tantrumed, threatened, manipulated and lied to get her own way. she has destroyed careers and lives to get what she wants without blinking.

”She’s such a wonderful friend” - until you disagree with her, then she’ll cut you dead and wage a covert war against you forever

@Lowenn

This, and what the original poster said about ED’s being about control, perfection, and rigid thinking. Daughter is running from her problems.

Heart breaking as it is, let her go, but let her know the door is always open, no matter how long.

Sorry OP.