Should a wife tell her DH to avoid someone..?

[mujer1997]

….if it makes her feel happy or unthreatened? Even if her DH hasn’t technically done anything wrong, as in no inappropriate messages or meetings to another woman.

I’ve read threads where a woman has asked her DH to stop talking to a younger woman who he is chatty with, whose company he seems to enjoy, and who seems to be conventionally attractive, because the woman just didn’t like it… so she basically asks/tells/makes her DH feel guilty such that he ‘actively avoids’ the younger woman.

Do you think that wives should do this?
YANBU if yes, YABU if no.

Asking isn’t commanding and is perfectly fine. I think if someone made me uncomfortable and I’d rather my husband didn’t associate with them then I’m within my rights to explain that him and ask him not to. He can, of course, put across his side as to why he won’t or doesn’t want to.

It’s not a threat. It’s saying ‘I am your wife, and you continuing to speak to that person will upset me.’ They don’t have to follow the request but it demonstrates a certain lack of care for their wife’s feelings unless they have a good reason.

I wanted the laugh react back fr this

Exactly. This is how adults communicate.

I can see your point of view. I suppose by asking you are making it very difficult for the DH to continue talking/associating with the friend if they want to have a happy relationship with their DW. You’d have to be a pretty hard-faced man, or one who doesn’t care much for his wife’s feelings, to ignore her request in this scenario.

That’s a positive outcome then. How did the female friend react? Did she continue messaging your DH or become moody with him/the pair of you?

I agree with OPs comment that it would depend on the context . DW has male colleagues at work and as friends, they talk to each other and occasionally message, don’t see that as an issue, if the context changes and it becomes one of either looking for close emotional support which I would hope she can get at home or is outright sexual, that would be a different matter and at that point I would certainly feel as a minimum that asking her to stop shouldn’t be unacceptable.

I think answers will depend on context too or at least on personal experiences.
By the way did you mean to say if it makes her “unhappy and threatened “ ? I’m a bit confused.

I assume she was totally OK, as eventually, her and her DH used to meet up with us as couples. I have no idea how DH handled it at the time.

And if they want to go, the door is over there.
Full stop.

I would not put the relationship first if my partner revealed themselves to be the kind of man who thought he had any say in my friendships; or who was so jealous and irrational that he had any strong feelings about my friendships with other men.

There simply isn't a scenario in which I want to indulge paranoia, insecurity or territorialism in a relationship. The minute a man starts displaying any of those things, I don't want to be in a relationship with them.

The MN trope about how "it's never Brian from IT or Janet from accounts they make friends with" is so tedious and divorced from reality, so thankyou for calling it out.

Men in every workplace I've ever been in are friends with other men, older women and younger women. Those friendships can be near-identical in terms of messaging and socialising but the territorialism and objections only happen with the last category.

The aspect that pisses me off the most isn't the "poor men" one, it's the fact that such territorialism can really harm younger women in the workplace. Normal mentoring style relationships, along the exact same lines as a senior man making friends with a younger man, can become fraught for no reason at all. One of my good friends went through absolute hell in her 20s because her male mentor's wife decided, with no evidence or basis in reality, that she was some sort of femme fatale out to steal her husband. My friend literally had to leave that company eventually.

I have been married for 30+ years and if I voiced similar concerns to my Husband I know he would listen and take them on board as he respects me and my feelings are valid. I’m not jealous or paranoid in any way and he knows I would only raise things if they were bothering me and vice versa. It should never be a think twice moment if you need to speak to your other half about something because you should always have that 1 thing in your relationship that you can go and talk to them. I don’t understand why these days people are having communication problems. You should be able to talk to your other half about anything.

They generally don't suddenly get a new male friend and need to go out to dinner etc

No, they go to the pub or the football or for a bike ride or to play golf or Warhammer or FIFA or any other male-coded friendship activity. Men actively make friends with "Brian from Accounts" all the time.

But you are rather moving the goalposts. The OP talked about men being "chatty" with attractive younger women, not "taking them out to dinner."

Ultimately, it comes down to trust. I know I can enjoy the company of an attractive colleague of the opposite sex without being in danger of being seduced by them and I have to trust I'm not unique in this.

I just meant what those two words mean: unhappy as in sad about, and threatened as in seeing the woman as some kind of threat to her; doesn’t need to be the threat of DH cheating, but just could be her DH’s attention and attraction to another woman makes her insecure.

I think if the man is prioritising his marriage and the women has expressed unease, she wouldn't have to ask.

It is amazing, the way so many middle aged men develop close friendships with attractive younger women, and somehow not the older fatter women they work with.

@gannett I feel sorry for your friend. I’ve seen other threads on here were a younger woman has posted about an older man at work and his wife, and some posters lay into her, accusing her of enjoying attention, calling her a tart or bimbo (yes really) and more….

Of course there are pervy men who want to befriend younger women they fancy, and then act like creeps. In those cases it’s understandable that a DW/DP would be unhappy.

Not all older men who get along well with a female colleague are creepy though - some
genuinely are just being kind and helpful.

Conversation. Not insecure demanding, that is the key. If someone has worries, dislikes, in a healthy relationship it could be discussed. But nobody has the right to flat-out tell or give ultimatums on talking to someone else.
Always imagine the situation in reverse - what if my partner did this or that? How would I feel? It needs to be talked about like grownups, not demanding and being extreme like 10-year-olds who try to tell each other who they can and can't be friends with.

Perhaps it happens occasionally, but why dont they seem to feel the same need to be friendly and helpful to their older ugly colleagues. It's not just showing Jane how to use the photocopier, if the DW is concerned. It's messaging out of hours, 121 coffee, late nights "working". Things these men don't do often with their good male friends.

Did you mean to put “unhappy and threatened “ when you put “ happy and unthreatened” in your OP ?

@exhaustDAD I agree, but in reality I think there are quite a few women who practically do tell their DH/DP not to talk to or to avoid a woman they’re essentially jealous about.

It doesn’t have to be DW outright saying, “you don’t speak to her again, if you bump into her cut the conversation short, otherwise I’ll read the riot act”, but more like emotional blackmail or the woman describing how absolutely angry and hurt she would be, or sulking.

Yes happy was a typo, sorry

It doesn't really matter if you think she's right or wrong. Her feelings are her feelings and if something about her DH (and your?) behaviour is making her feel unhappy and insecure, of course a decent man, who cares about his marriage and is not having an EA would do whatever he can to fix that.

I think one-on-one evening meetings outside of work is overstepping a boundary, even if intentions were innocent.

But the messaging and helpfulness, I do think there is that human trait of unconsciously wanting to treat people we find attractive better. By treating better I just mean being kinder/more favourable, not trying to sleep with. I am not saying this is fair, but it is human nature. There have been psychology studies, I’m sure, which show that men are more polite to women they rate as attractive. It could go the same way with women and men they find attractive.