Should a wife tell her DH to avoid someone..?

[mujer1997]

….if it makes her feel happy or unthreatened? Even if her DH hasn’t technically done anything wrong, as in no inappropriate messages or meetings to another woman.

I’ve read threads where a woman has asked her DH to stop talking to a younger woman who he is chatty with, whose company he seems to enjoy, and who seems to be conventionally attractive, because the woman just didn’t like it… so she basically asks/tells/makes her DH feel guilty such that he ‘actively avoids’ the younger woman.

Do you think that wives should do this?
YANBU if yes, YABU if no.

I’m not talking about anyone in particular. Obviously anyone in a relationship can do what their DP wants, regardless of whether outsiders would see it as controlling or unreasonable. It does depend on the context.

In which case the wife is right to have concerns? Would you want your DH going out of his way to be extra helpful to someone he finds attractive?

*where

No never. One thing I absolutely cannot abide is controlling behavior and the emotional blackmail that comes with it. Dh knows this when I met him. In a past life I would immediately end a relationship with as much as a 'are you looking at him' comment. Dh befriends who he wants, as do I. What he says or does when I'm not there is none of my business as long as he isn't unfaithful. Likewise he never comments on my friends or where I go or what I do. If he doesn't like it tough luck. It's worked for us for 30 years and we've rarely had conflict about it.

It probably would make me feel insecure yes. I think sometimes men don’t realise they are doing it… until someone points it out.

Tend to agree, except for the bit whatever he says when I’m not there is none of my business. What if he was flirting, giving physical compliments? Would that still be ok even if he didn’t cross a line physically? I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with that.

I get what you are saying. Whoever would opt to do such immature nonsense, I could never be in a relationship with. I feel most happy with a grown-up woman, rather than an insecure teenage girl. Luckily, my wife is the former...

No. No one owns anyone else, even in a marriage, and no one gets to police their spouse's relationships.

If you don't trust someone you're in the wrong marriage/relationship and should leave.

Any attempt to tell someone not to see someone (or even ask them) is a tacit admission that there's no trust and therefore no relationship. If you have to tell someone they've crossed a line the ship has already sailed. There is no value in being in a relationship with someone if you have to set boundaries on their behalf.

Good for you. There is also the question of how the person who is being ignored or avoided is going to perceive that. Yes of course a person’s life partner is their ultimate priority, but I don’t think that means either party needs to be unreasonably rude or unkind to someone else. Perhaps it isn’t a huge deal, but is it necessary?

In principle, no. But if the DH in question is being pervy or creepy or appearing to have an emotional affair - anything inappropriate, basically - the DW should be able to call him out.

I don't think a bit of flirting would bother me to be honest. It's just a bit of fun and can be a nice ego boost. As long as it doesn't cross a line but of course the debate is what that line is. What constitutes flirting can also be debatable. Some people think chatting and laughing is flirting, I don't. To be fair it's so subjective, my dh isn't one to have the confidence to compliment a women and certainly isn't the type to approach someone so I guess I don't think about it much. But if he did compliment a woman i don't think it would bother me. If he was saying nasty things about me that would be another story.

@Dontlletmedownbruce I think some women do class talking and laughing as flirting 😕

Absolutely, agreed. And that is why it's so important to have healthy conversations. When someone is not receptive of that, there whole thing is just pointless, anyway.

My dh talks to everyone and everyone, always has. He might talk to someone I feel threatened by, as did happen once on holiday.. but the bottom line is I knew he wouldn’t have done anything about it. it was though as if my whole brain was primed to a state of alert. I would not have dreamt of telling him though he couldn’t talk to her, although I did gently tease him that I knew she was his type! Luckily she lives in the states…

The good news is that this happened nearly 20 years ago and as my friend is absolutely brilliant her career thrived after she left the company. She's now at a position higher than her mentor was back then and she makes sure to watch out for younger female employees at her place of work now.

This bollocks again
of course men make friends with other men. Older, younger, whatever. It’s rubbish to say it’s only ever younger women!

But if the man is being creepy or pervy or having an emotional affair he’s already checked out right?

Its too late to do anything. You can’t brainwash someone into respecting you. You just have to accept that it’s over and leave.

At some point, yes absolutely. But there might be a point where the guy has had his head turned yet relatively little has happened... but DW has seen that DH has a little crush and might be able to nip it in the bud... or not. Sometimes in the very early days of a crush we can cross a line without knowing we've done it, or at least without realising we've been.caught! Granted, the window of opportunity is small for stopping an EA and getting the primary relationship back on track. Maybe sometimes there isn't one. But we can't blame the DW for trying, as seen on many previous MN threads!

Of course not. You can say you don’t want to see that person socially because you don’t like them, but you don’t get a veto on your spouse’s friends.

I can understand your feelings though but you probably did the right thing? I’d probably feel the same in that situation.

Not all women (probably most) would leave their DH/long term DP just over him talking to/flirting with another woman, nothing more. She might express her concerns and he might feel guilty and reign it in, but not many women married for many years would end a marriage just because their DH had been chattier than she’d like with another woman.

What counts as an EA? It seems quite nebulous as a concept…

@mujer1997

Not all women (probably most) would leave their DH/long term DP just over him talking to/flirting with another woman, nothing more.

That's probably true. But they should. You say "just" flirting as if it was minor. But there is literally no point being in a relationship with someone who is flirting with other women. It's always better to be alone than with someone who doesn't respect you.

Trying to talk him down/put boundaries in place/insert appropriate phrase, is shutting the stable door after the horse has escaped. The classic Mumsnet phrase here is "nip this in the bud". It's absolutely pointless and you're better off walking away with your dignity and sanity intact.

@Charlottejbt

At some point, yes absolutely. But there might be a point where the guy has had his head turned yet relatively little has happened... but DW has seen that DH has a little crush and might be able to nip it in the bud... or not.

You can't "nip it in the bud". It's such a daft expression to use in these circumstances. You can't get inside someone else's head, let alone control it. If the line is crossed you either leave or you suck up being treated like this. There is no persuasion/bargaining and there's no middle ground.

90% of the time when I read about "emotional affairs" I think "that's just what being friends is though". But then I don't think your romantic partner needs to fulfil every role in your life, and I don't think paying attention to my friends is mutually exclusive with paying attention to DP. It's particularly helpful to have friends who work in the same industry as you do, because while DP and I can provide generic support, there's a certain level of nitty-gritty venting/navigating that you only understand if you're also in it. Sometimes those friends can be of the opposite sex because neither of us work in single-sex industries!

Cheating is binary to me. Is there sexual contact with someone else? Yes - cheating. No - not cheating, don't care.

God I hate the phrase "nip it in the bud". As well as being pointless, as you say, it's so infantilising.

Finding other people attractive is normal and I'm quite capable of handling the not-uncommon situation of being around a good-looking man who isn't DP without doing anything about it. Men are equally capable of that. You shouldn't need to hover over your partner to make sure they act normally.