To ponder legal action for being slapped on the arse

[IneedAniffler]

Very long story short, I work in an unregulated industry as a self-employed contractor. I provide a professional service in what can be quite a high-pressure environment, and I take a lot of pride in what I do.

Today, just before I was due to deliver a service, another person working there (in a separate but related role) slapped me hard on the backside. He clearly thought it was “banter” or playful, but I was completely shocked.

I reacted immediately and told him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable and that he must never do anything like that again. He apologised straight away, and the contractor (who works with both of us) also apologised, as did others present.

The issue is that I then had to go straight on and deliver a half-hour professional service as if nothing had happened, and then go straight to another client meeting. I didn’t really have time to process it at all.

Now I’m home, it’s all hit me properly and I feel incredibly upset. I feel violated, embarrassed, angry, and quite shaken. I also feel a bit stupid even writing this, because technically everyone has apologised and it’s “dealt with”, but it doesn’t feel dealt with to me at all.

There’s no HR in this situation as I’m self-employed, and this isn’t a traditional workplace. I’m just trying to work out whether I’m overreacting, and what (if anything) I should do next.

WWYD?

I don't understand how "the FD seems ready to take it seriously" and "he's done it before to the FD's wife" go together.

Surely if the FD was going to take it seriously he would have stopped the guy the first time he did it to his own wife, not carried on using him repeatedly!

How do you know he's done it to the FD's wife? Did she tell you after it happened or did you know beforehand?

It all just sounds a bit contradictory - on one hand it came out of nowhere and everyone was apologising, even those who had only witnessed it, but on the other he's done it 'many times before' and nobody was bothered enough to do anything about it until he picked on the wrong person?

Sorry if this comes across as trying to pick holes in your story - that's not the case but I think it's relevant in how you deal with it - if you do take it further witness evidence is going to be important so you need to be sure the other parties will back you up and do see the problem with how he behaved. It sounds to me more like they said the right thing at the time to shut you up but probably joked that you were overreacting once you'd left.

I'd take every step I could to shame the fucker

I would actually have a word with the local police. They may be happy to 'have a word'. It might be enough to scare the shit out of him. I would also tell the FD that this has been done.

I cannot believe I wish I didn’t find it easy to believe that a man could behave with such horrific disrespect in these circumstances.
Disrespectful to both you (in your professional role) and the seriousness of the occasion.

Some sanction is absolutely essential here. He should not be employed in this or any similar role ever again.

You can call the police. It is unlikely to be regarded as a sexual assault as it would be difficult to prove that his intention was sexual and not banter.
They may consider a charge of common assault which if he accepts, he would probably receive a caution. If not, it would go to trial and you would be called as a witness to give evidence and be subject to examination and cross examination in court together with others who were present. This would be a lengthy process. He may or may not be convicted.

You could take a civil action which would be costly and lengthy for you and you may or may not win.

Either option would undoubtedly take a lot of your time and a toll on your mental well being as these processes are long drawn out and emotionally draining for victims.
Ultimately, it depends on what price you want to pay to feel respected.

Are you for real? You doubt he will do it again???? What the actual hell? And how dare you get to think you govern another woman’s emotions and feelings. Jesus.

Well no it doesn't, but I think perhaps you haven't read my full comment? It's thanks in part to my generation and the feminist movement of that time that women at least have some redress in law against the patriarchy. Although there is still much to be done.

You don't get to tell me what's appropriate when you think the best course of action is to let it slide.

Maybe try "sorry to hear what happened OP, I support you reporting it in any way you see fit because he has carried out the behaviour and you're not responsible for the fall out if you choose to report it".

Instead, your advice to "chalk it up to a man being a dickhead" makes it safer for him and other men to push the boundaries and make unsafe places for women. You've made it clear that you think she should drop it. That's not supportive. Thats making it clesr you think further actionnis OTT.

Would you want you or your kids left alone with him? No. But that's a real possibility if he's never been reported and coaches in his spare time.

In that case I would report him to the police, even if they only have a chat with him it may stop him from doing it to others

To answer your question

The FDs wife (who works with him so is always on jobs with us) dealt with it the way I did

She gave him a bollocking and he has kept hands to himself. I imagine the FD is happy with that if she is - she told me after it happened but it is common knowledge that this bearer is this kind of person.

Their family approach to it when it happened to her was to call him out and put him straight - she is formidable! And trust that he would learn his lesson, but when it happened to me - I am a lot younger than - I think it hit differently as im a contractor and also the person delivering the ceremony and they have a responsibility to me

I’m sorry that is really awful and very disrespectful of him. I would report it to the funeral director, and whoever is in charge at the crematorium. He should not be working in that role and assaulting women. I might be inclined to report to the police as well.

I would carry a fucking taser gun for when it happened again. What a massive arsehole. How DARE he do this to you?! OMG, I'm raging on your behalf, that's vile. Not sure where you go from here if you're self employed sorry.

Hopefully some better informed people can advise you.

You seem to have forgotten that the OP started this thread to ask foe people’s views on the action she was considering. @JustChillin70has given her views, as requested by the OP.

I think I’d report it to the police @IneedAniffler particularly seeing you have a witness. Even if all they do is give him a bollocking it’ll make him think twice.

Years ago, a fellow commuter pinched my arse on the train. I rang British Transport Police and they removed him from the train an hour up the line when we stopped at a station. In the end they didn’t prosecute (no cctv) but he was arrested and questioned. I hope he thought twice next time he was feeling gropy on a train.

This is assault, should we not report assaults to the police. I understand why you may not want to be we should all be encouraged to

While bantering would he have slapped a man across the face of course not

it’s absolutely appalling behaviour and not just disrespectful towards yourself but also the setting you are in

because there have been multiple studies showing that men who commit more low level sexual offences are far more likely to graduate to/also undertake more serious ones, including rape. Look at Wayne Couzens.

It's not comparing apples to oranges. It's comparing granny smiths to golden delicious. Sexual assault is sexual assault. I'd be highly surprised if this guy hadn't also stepped 'over the line' in some other way - sex when someone might have been too drunk to properly consent, flashing his dick in a rugby club or on the street to a hen do for 'bants', etc., and possibly worse.

It's unlikely that someone who goes around slapping women (AT A FUNERAL no less!) repeatedly, in 2026, is the sort of person who is completely morally upstanding in all other areas of his life. If he behaves like that at work, in front of his employer, what on earth is he like behind closed doors!

Bloody hell this is horrific, I’m not surprised you want to take things further. I’m so sorry this happened to you, that man needs to be set straight in no uncertain terms.

I dont think people are saying they are the same. What's being questioned is your attitude to this assault: "if it’s just a one off then unfortunately chalk it down to that person is a d**khead & move on". If this is your view about this type of sex crime, why not apply it to other type of sex crimes. Where do you draw the line that once is once too often?

Oh, and saying just "move on" is where you give the dickhead a free pass.

Oh behave. This thread is depressing. I can see years of progress unraveling before my eyes. Anyone remember ‘me too?’

I am old. I had many similar incidents as a late teen, early twenty year old. Each impacted me deeply and left me feeling anxious, depressed, humiliated, belittled. Hearing women minimise this assault is ludicrous.

People are recounting these stories as though they are a badge of honor that they happened and they didn’t do anything about it. Stuff like this happened to me in the 00s and I did nothing about it either but that doesn’t make it ok or something that should continue in this day and age

and what about the 'multiple other people' the FD knows he's done it to?

I'm sorry, I just don't see how you have so much faith in the FD taking this seriously given he has continued to hire this guy despite knowing he's done this multiple times. That doesn't come across as the actions of a decent person or a responsible employer.

Exactly this.

What if she has turned round and pulled his trousers down? Is that ok???

FML with this one and some of the responses.

It’s an assault. Report to the police. The rest is just noise

The minimising on here is absolutely SHOCKING! The people saying legal action is too much? It definitely isn’t. I would speak to the police personally. We CANNOT as a nation, and especially women, allow this behaviour, it gives a message that this is okay and men will use that to take their actions further and further. I would go online and report.

Op do not waste your money and time on a legal route he needs the police to stop him no amount of money will fix how you feel honestly it will drag you down even if you did go the legal route the police will need to be informed so do that now he might be on file and this could be the one that gets him jailed you never know if he’s been reported before but they let him off with a caution the police are saying sexual assault has to stop so let them stop it. A few grand in the bank will not fix this. He took advantage of you in a situation that he should have shown respect he didn’t so he really doesn’t respect women does he. So show him he messed with the wrong woman and fuck up his life.