To ponder legal action for being slapped on the arse

[IneedAniffler]

Very long story short, I work in an unregulated industry as a self-employed contractor. I provide a professional service in what can be quite a high-pressure environment, and I take a lot of pride in what I do.

Today, just before I was due to deliver a service, another person working there (in a separate but related role) slapped me hard on the backside. He clearly thought it was “banter” or playful, but I was completely shocked.

I reacted immediately and told him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable and that he must never do anything like that again. He apologised straight away, and the contractor (who works with both of us) also apologised, as did others present.

The issue is that I then had to go straight on and deliver a half-hour professional service as if nothing had happened, and then go straight to another client meeting. I didn’t really have time to process it at all.

Now I’m home, it’s all hit me properly and I feel incredibly upset. I feel violated, embarrassed, angry, and quite shaken. I also feel a bit stupid even writing this, because technically everyone has apologised and it’s “dealt with”, but it doesn’t feel dealt with to me at all.

There’s no HR in this situation as I’m self-employed, and this isn’t a traditional workplace. I’m just trying to work out whether I’m overreacting, and what (if anything) I should do next.

WWYD?

A slap to the face would hurt a damn sight more and is done maliciously so yes as slap to the face by someone intending to cause harm I would treat differently. A slap on the arse is humiliating and unacceptable and I would never defend it. It is something which needs to be dealt with.
All I am saying is, I probably would not want him on the sex offenders register if I felt there was absolutely no chance of it happening again.

Out of interest, how would you 'feel' that? 🤔

It’s a complete aside OP but I I also work with FD and I am sick and tired of having to put some in their place for frankly, terribly discriminatory behaviour. I don’t know what it is, the culture of the industry, the people that take these jobs? But I’m sick to the back teeth of it.

As for going to the police, I don’t know. I’d certainly not be working with them again and making sure a forma complaint is lodged with the FD.

You seem to be implying that because you came out of sexual assaults feeling chipper, this is a blue print for how everyone should feel??? This sounds like assault one-upmanship? Your bravado is sickening and as for ‘my husband was furious and I must admit I didn’t stop him from waiting for the optician after work the next day’ - pathetic. You didn’t need a husband to sort this out, you needed to go to the police and report it for the crime it was. why would you want to invite further harm to your husband and escalate a situation? What was needed was for the police to deal with crimes like this. Admittedly, back in the day they were likely to minimise but times have changed/are changing.

He may do similar to other men.
Look, in my view this guy sounds unhinged.
I can't imagine anybody remotely sane doing this in the circumstances OP describes.
It is bizarre.

He has done it before though and there is no guarantee he won't do it again. What makes you think he has suddenly realised it's not acceptable behaviour?

We all have our own opinions, you would like him to swing. I think op is the best person to judge how far the punishment should go.

I notice you are not quoting me when I said I didn't think it was ok and I said it should be dealt with? I think someone is spoiling for a fight 🤔

A message i received from a funeral director after popping by the office to sort some things out last year

"Are you alone? Was just going to say when you play with your hair it's not good for my blood pressure"

I am just sick of being sexially harassed. It is demeaning and demoralising. I left my previous profession as a quite successful creative because of this exact problem. Should I make myself appear more ugly? I take a pride in my appearance and look very young for my age, I like to dress well and wear nice makeup out of respect for my clients, my environment and myself

I think I will explain to the FD that I am considering reporting it as an assault. The problem is the industry is full of these characters - i work with some amazing female FDs and bearers - but some (not all) of the men - (mostly older) really male me feel like shit with their behaviour

Just report it. Do it online. Do it now.

You would be sexually harassed regardless of how you look (which I’m sure is lovely), so don’t change anything. One of my colleagues was shocked at a Christmas party when a male colleague said ‘I was watching your breasts move up and down as you blew that balloon up’ - she’s in her 60s, and certainly doesn’t ’dress for the male gaze’ IYSWIM

That's awful. I am not surprised you are upset.

Could you make a formal complaint to the company he works for?

Well OP, whether or not it was meant as a joke or not is arguable I suppose.

What is not arguable is that he slapped you on the bottom and that's got to some form of physical assault.
So up to you. All the best.
I don't want to make light of this BTW. I'd be pissed off too even if it was meant as a joke.

Can't have this sort of thing when you're working, either.

I think you should report it.
I was assaulted by an older man at work once, after he tried to 'flirt' I assume and I shut it down. Unfortunately I was a student on placement and had little power other than to be removed from his case. I have had a number of run ins with older men who are rude, arrogant, entitled and quick to anger when they don't get their own way with young/er women in various capacities. Just because a man is older does not mean he's not dangerous, nor that he shouldn't face consequences. There are a number of older men who hold very outdated views about women and are limited in their capacity to harm women only by their age and relative frailty. I believe a lot of these men would have been very dangerous when young.
What he did to you was assault. It was appalling in any context, but in the context of a funeral it was additionally traumatising for you, as you had an absolute responsibility to the grieving family to remain professional and do the job despite trying to process having just been assaulted. Well done for doing it, but you shouldn't have had to.

The fact he did this before a funeral adds a whole other layer of sinister! I would be absolutely appalled if someone behaved like this before carrying my loved one at a time of such sadness and solemnity (where is the respect??) And that the person doing the difficult job of leading the ceremony had just been subjected to an assault!! Vile man. Absolutely tell his employer and say you refuse to work with him again.

Yes, I have encountered similar. Also blatant racism and general ignorance. I’m often spoken down to and I can’t abide the gossip and shit stirring culture. It astounds me thy some of these people are let anywhere near people at the most vulnerable time of their life. I also wonder whether because it’s an unregulated industry if that makes a difference. It has made me very wary of using an FD for my close family and will go straight to direct cremation as crematoriums on the whole are a joy to work with directly. Which is a great shame.

I would absolutely mention you’re thinking about taking this further. They need to not use him again. Nothing will change if we don’t “make a fuss”

No it doesn't. What matters is that this man assaulted OP. He touched /hit her without her consent. It doesn't make a scrap of difference that he might have thought it was a joke.
What matters is OP didn't want him to hit her and he did.
It's definitely assault and it could also be sexual assault

WTAF, OP! (the hair message). And @SusieMyersonAndAssociates

I think one effect of reporting it direct to the police is that the FD will then feel 'out of my hands, oh dear the police have not arrested him / cautioned him so nothing to see here, nothing I can do...'. Which then means the only recourse you have is to turn down work associated with this FD, to your own loss.

And unfortunately the police are quite likely to be wet and ineffectual over this sort of thing. Unless anyone has confidence otherwise?

Is the FD a member of the NAFD?

If so I would report contact them, and ask what recourse you have being assaulted / sexually assaulted by a person tis FD regularly employs.

And if he slaps her back?

Not disproportionate to try to get him blackballed (up to you how you do it: if your FD customers are loyal you could refuse to work with any that employs him).

Not disproportionate to report him to the police for battery. If he accepts a caution it can be publicised.

His behaviour seems to be escalating: hitting the officiant of a funeral is unhinged.

The police would not have to prove anything of the sort! Are you ok? Intent is irrelevant, she was assaulted, and the fact it was on a private area makes it a sexual assault. If the perpetrator is too stupid and misogynistic to realise that smacking a woman's buttocks without consent is in fact a sexual assault not a bit of a laugh then the fact that he didn't intend it to be such makes fuck all difference!

He absolutely would expect to lose his job. Quite possibly gross misconduct and immediate dismissal.

Absolutely you should report this to the police, OP. This is a sexual assault, and this man is a serial sex offender. Men like him need to suffer the consequences of their actions (the bollockings he’s received have clearly been water off a duck’s back) and not be in a position where they can do this to yet more women, possibly girls too.

I’m really sorry this happened to you; I can perfectly imagine the distress it caused you and the cognitive dissonance and emotional strain of having to carry on and conduct the funeral as normal in the direct aftermath of a humiliating sexual assault.

This man clearly has no respect for women at all, and enjoys exercising his control and being able to demonstrate so clearly his contempt for women. This isn’t harmless ignorance. He’s been enabled for long enough.

The levels of misogyny from the women on here justifying or minimising this are just heartbreaking. What a long way we still have to go when so many women still believe we don’t deserve better than this.

Agreed. This man shouldn’t be working in this job, full stop.

He shouldn’t be in any role where he can treat women like this.

It's just men being (sleazy fucking arsehole) men.

And before someone pops up saying 'it's not all men', yes I know, but it's too fucking many.

Almost every woman I know has been a victim of some form of sexual harassment and/or assault. I'm in my late 60s now, and it's not getting better, if anything it's worse.

The horrific Giselle Pelicot trial showed just how many men are happy to assault women. Not one man who saw his 'advert' reported her ex-husband.

Not one.

I applaud you OP for calling it out when it happened, as often we are too shocked/upset/afraid to do so.

Take whatever action you feel is necessary.