To ponder legal action for being slapped on the arse

[IneedAniffler]

Very long story short, I work in an unregulated industry as a self-employed contractor. I provide a professional service in what can be quite a high-pressure environment, and I take a lot of pride in what I do.

Today, just before I was due to deliver a service, another person working there (in a separate but related role) slapped me hard on the backside. He clearly thought it was “banter” or playful, but I was completely shocked.

I reacted immediately and told him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable and that he must never do anything like that again. He apologised straight away, and the contractor (who works with both of us) also apologised, as did others present.

The issue is that I then had to go straight on and deliver a half-hour professional service as if nothing had happened, and then go straight to another client meeting. I didn’t really have time to process it at all.

Now I’m home, it’s all hit me properly and I feel incredibly upset. I feel violated, embarrassed, angry, and quite shaken. I also feel a bit stupid even writing this, because technically everyone has apologised and it’s “dealt with”, but it doesn’t feel dealt with to me at all.

There’s no HR in this situation as I’m self-employed, and this isn’t a traditional workplace. I’m just trying to work out whether I’m overreacting, and what (if anything) I should do next.

WWYD?

The man's a sex pest - he deserves to be prosecuted op.

So he did it to the FD's wife, she had a go at him and he hasn't done it again to her. He has, however, now done it to you so he might not do it to you again but will simply move on to someone else. Report it online - it'll take a few minutes. Encourage the FD's wife to do the same.

Sorry this happened you.

It sounds like you did everything right.
Called him out on it and FD has assured you that he won't be hired again.

I think people may be misintrepeting your mention of legal action as a compensation claim whereas I think you mean reporting it so he doesn't get away with it and also in the hope it prevents other experiencing the same.

I wouldn't go to a solicitor - expensive with limited chance of significant charges.

I would contact the police, tell them what has happened & who the witnesses are, tell them you've been told it's happened to others. They may have info on file, they may investigate or it may not go further. Regardless, you will have reported it and know that you've tried to stop it happening to others.

If the police get involved in this, I imagine they'd have to prove it was not done on jest.

No, this is categorically not how the law works.

Thankfully, otherwise anything could be ‘done in jest’.

How dare you accuse me of standing by any male relative for assault. (not that anyone in my family has been.) How dare you.

Not once have I said this man should get away with this scot free. Not once.

All I've done is questioned whether or not he meant it as a joke or not.
Just because he may have meant it as a joke doesn't mean to say that there should not consequences.

Would a written apologies from this man and his employer (the Funeral Director) help you? It would hopefully show that they have considered and reflected on what he did. If this 'banter' had involved shoving you or similar, resulting in physical injury, his employer would obviously be responsible and they are aware that he has previous history. I guess part of the problem might be that as a self-employed officiant you rely on referrals from FDs for work. Do you belong to any umbrella organisation (eg Humanist Society) who could offer support or advice?

If it was a joke why didn’t he do it to a male friend? Why do they never do it to another man? Can you even answer

Well to be fair we don't know that he hasn't.
He could be the sort who does all manner of things in the name of humour.

It's such a flipping bizarre thing to do in the circumstances so who knows what he does. He sounds unhinged.

And I experienced may similar incidents in my teens, 20s, and 30s too. None of them left me feeling anxious, depressed, humiliated, or belittled. I dealt with them all myself loudly and publicly, with one exception and if anyone was belittled, it was the perpetrator. The one exception was when an optician groped my breast repeatedly during an eye examination when I was 20; he continued when I told him to stop, so I elbowed him in the bollocks and walked out. my husband was furious and I must admit I didn’t stop him from waiting for the optician after work the next day.

Oh come off it

You know bloody well he doesn’t go round slapping men’s bums

I bet he justifies it with 'lightening the mood'.

They need to suffer the legal consequences and professional and public embarrassment this entails. A knee to the bollocks firstly puts the onus on the victim to dole out the punishment, and secondly means they can simply keep doing it ‘privately’.

I dare very easily. Im just judging you on your words. You have minimised again and again this man's crime. If you dont want to be viewed as the sort of woman who stands by sex criminals perhaps stop making excuses for the sex crime committed against the OP.

You dont think the OP should report it to the police. What consequences do you think there should be if not reporting the crime to the police?

My repeated point has been slapping someone on the bum is not a joke. No reasonable person would ever see it as a joke. This man knows it is not a joke because he has been challenged on it before. And yet you persist in saying it could have just been a joke.

Edited to add:

You do realise we can see your original posts, right? In your original post you put this "I can assure you that if any male relative did this to anybody in my family I would absolutely make sure he did not get away with it. Absolutely I would".
You then deleted that part. Is that because it wasnt true or because it shows what a hypocrite you are. Funny how you wouldn't consider the attacker just attempting a joke if someone did it to anybody in your family.

I come from an era where an arse slap was viewed as a compliment and just to be clear I AM NOT SAYING IT IS OK!

How far I take it though would depend on how sorry he was, it is certainly worth taking to the company's HR. I would find it humiliating for it to have happened in front of a load of witnesses too. Report the incident and give the names of the people who were there, tell them exactly how it made you feel and you expect this to be dealt with appropriately.

I am not sure what would happen if you went to the police, he could end up with a record and even on the sex offenders register, if he is genuinely sorry and mortified at his awful behaviour I don't think I would want it to go that far but that is my personal opinion. I know many will be baying for blood, but only you can judge the seriousness of this.

He didn’t get a free pass did he. He was reprimanded on the behaviour instantly & he apologised. What more do you want? Do you want his blood? He’s a d*khead & d*khead behaviour was corrected. If he does it again & not learnt how to behave like a gentleman then that’s different & a stronger approach is required.

OP I feel I would make it clear to every local funeral director you work with that this man is not to be permitted anywhere that he may encounter female workers. Basically black ball him to everyone you know who might use him, he shouldn’t be working in this role. Make a lot of fuss about the fact he physically hit you (the fact it was on your bum is irrelevant really) and has done so to another woman and still thinks it’s acceptable.

‘How sorry he was’

This wasn’t a momentary lapse of concentration at the wheel, he didn’t bump into her and spill coffee.

He slapped her bottom. To humiliate her and titillate himself. Would you treat a slap to the face similarly?

My view OP?

Go to the police. At the very least it is assault and you wouldn't be thinking twice about it if he had slapped your face.

I've also been a funeral celebrant and this is totally shocking. I'm so sorry he did this to you. I would have reacted as you did and it's admirable you were able to continue with your day.

I think because he is a casual worker that the FD not hiring him again is a good result. But I also think reporting it to the police as a sexual assault would be a good idea. He will be questioned by the police and even if he isn't prosecuted that might be enough for him to stop. It is possible he would be prosecuted because there were witnesses. He would then have a criminal record and probably be fined. I doubt he would be imprisoned.

Obviously you must make the decision that is right for you. I wish you well.

OP - I really think the FD needs to take a lot of responsibility for this. He has repeatedly employed someone known to harass women and behave extremely inappropriately and by continuing to employ him has put you at risk.

It's all v well Ms FD having her individual say to this man but it hasn't stopped him, he hasn't learned any lesson.

As I say I would write a formal complaint to the person who took him on: the FD.

He is part of the problem if he fails to take this seriously. And in this case he is the equivalent of HR. He can very well stop employing this menace.

(I am of retirement age and yes this fucking nonsense was part of my early and mid employment years which is why I wholeheartedly supported the MeToo movement and want to see it stamped out - not be a cringing apologist for 'mens handsy banter')

HE HAS DONE IT BEFORE!! If you are not going to even bother to read the OP's posts before commenting on such a serious matter then why bother even posting.

Reprimanding him does fuck all given he's been reprimanded before and still assaulted the OP.

As to what I want? I want him to suffer the legal consequences of his crime. I want his crimes to be recorded so if he ever goes for a job or volunteer position which requires a dbs then the evidence is there that he is not a good person. The dbs system only works if crimes are reported and punished. If we keep on minimising these types of crimes then it just makes it easier for men to go do them elsewhere.

Agree. You don’t get a free pass the first time, he was lucky enough to be let off. And now again. He doesn’t care. He’s a grown man. He hasn’t learned. He sees it as his right to go round touching women inappropriately.

Technically this is battery rather than assault (ignoring sexual component)
as he did make contact and it was unwanted.
assault is the apprehension of force. Ie soneone about to hit you or throw something at you.

@Weeklyreport tbat poster has 'form'. Best ignore the attention seeking.