Am I being unreasonable about childcare for a friend?

[Baconrollplease]

I feel a bit awkward even posting this, but I need a sense check. a friend of mine has started asking me to have her child quite regularly while she’s working. I’ve had him twice this week already, both times for about 6 hours.

I genuinely don’t mind helping occasionally, and the kids play nicely together, but it’s starting to feel like I’m becoming her go-to childcare. She doesn’t offer any money or even send food, so I’m feeding and entertaining him for the whole time. She asked me on Monday if I could have him on Wednesday, so it’s not always last minute, but I don’t feel like I can easily say no without feeling guilty.

I think what’s bothering me is that it feels a bit assumed now rather than a favour, if that makes sense.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit taken advantage of? And how would you handle this without damaging the friendship?

I don’t quite understand this - does she do some kind of intermittent work that doesn’t require her to have regular childcare in place? Normally if you work you have childcare and it would be very rare for eg the nursery to shut.

Definitely find out why and then decide a way forward. If it’s that she has just discovered her mum who
usualky helps has terminal cancer you may want to approach it differently. Maybe ask her to babysit instead so you and hubs can have date night.

Otherwise, perhaps next couple of times she asks you just say you can’t do that day (you are going to your parents or visiting an old aunt etc) to break the cycle. Then if she asks again you could say you’ll do it this once but you can’t provide regular childcare.

THIS.

OP needs to nip this in the bud before it becomes an expectation and “but I’ve relied on you for so long, what am I supposed to do now?”

It’s also rude that she’s not at least reimbursing OP for costs. I’d be tempted to add “and quite frankly, I can’t afford to keep spending money to feed and entertain your child” - how clueless is she?

That's exactly my thoughts @NoSoapJustUseShowerGel if she drops the "I'd love to help" she'll soon get the picture that her request is way outside the OP's comfort zone.

"Hi friend, sorry but I'm not able to do Wednesday. I'm glad the kids get on so well but this week has ended up being a bit much for me. I don't mind helping occasionally for a few hours but I'm not able to do full days x"

You do not say how old her son is and whether it is company for your son or if it is hard work. I think you have to say to her if you have spent money and she needs to recompense her but ultimately if you do not want to look after him (which is totally your right) just say you do not want to do it regularly and you are not a child minder. She can pay a child minder just like everyone else has to.

Not rtwt but honestly I wouldn't be wasting time negotiating times you are 'willing' to do/payment etc. It just muddies the waters. The truth is you don't want to do it and that's good enough. The rest of it is not your problem to solve!

I was a sahm and then a childminder before returning to work full time (not working from home). School mum 'friends' can be brutal - they will cultivate relationships solely for the benefit of themselves/their kids. Many will think nothing of asking a sahm to pick up their childcare slack. Or asking a childminder to walk their kids to school since they are going there anyway!
A wise woman on here once said to me not to allow other people to derive economic benefit from my unpaid labour and that's what this is! She's using your resources (time, money) and you need to stop being so nice and put a stop to it. CF rely on people's niceness.

Being kind isn't a weakness, but weakness is often disguised by being called being kind.

Are you really out of your mind entertaining this cheeky fxxker?

Unbelievable.

Aggh I voted incorrectly - sorry! You are NOT being unreasonable.

"No" is a complete sentence.

You don't have to give a reason.

But you could say you're busy. It's not convenient. Or you can't.

If you want reciprocity and value the friendship, say "yes but can you have X on Y for Z hours?"

But it sounds like she's using you and taking you for granted!

It would be lovely if she realised she was being cheeky and taking advantage of you, but she either already knows, or she is selfish enough not to. Either way, she’s not going to stop of her own accord and so you need to be the person to stop her. And her childcare shouldn’t be costing you money, but she’s als not going to offer to reimburse anything and you feel too silly to ask, so she’s going to keep on as it’s benefitting her.

Useful to work on boundaries: https://boundaryquiz.com/
bu psychotherapist Terri Cole

You need to stop being so accommodating. Say that you can’t do Wednesday or the next time she asks after that & hopefully she’ll stop relying on you . You’ve no need to feel guilty .

"Another issue that makes it harder to say no is that sometimes people who want to take advantage get to know your timetable/calendar.. and so when you say "I can't do Tuesday." they come back with "but you are going to xyz and its on your way surely." and start demolishing any excuses. This is when you have to get tough and say simply. I don't want to do Tuesday. And when you do it, remember that if it feels very blunt to you, that the person has forced you into being blunt by not taking no for an answer in the first place."

This is so true. Some people will talk to you in a friendly way, and make you think they are interested in you as a person, or that they are trying to make friends with you. But they are really just digging for information that they can use to manipulate you later.

Others will simply start steamrolling over you no matter how little information you gave them. "Oh you can't do Tuesday? Why not? Are you going somewhere? If you're only dropping off [your child] at swim practice, you can just take mine for ice cream while you wait for your child to be done. Oh you won't? Why not? You're such a lazy mother. I used to take my child and five other children for ice cream all the time. Surely you can do it with one child once a week. But why not?" They'll basically just bombard you with so many questions and arguments that you can't even keep up. The idea is for you to be so overwhelmed by their questions that you tie your (metaphorical) legs in a knot and trip yourSELF up, so that you basically say "yes" in a panicked attempt to stop the verbal artillery.

It is okay to say to someone that you don't want to do something. The kind of person who is oblivious to hints and who asks for big favours frequently, is not worrying about your feelings, so don't be fretting over hurting theirs. Their skin is so thick, they won't feel it. The kind of people who ask for regular childcare and offer no reciprocity or reimbursement of costs, are basically grifters casting a wide net to see what they can get!

I've had to tell people that I want time to speak with my own child so can't walk theirs to school everyday. Or that I don't want to take on the responsibility for children other than my own. Once you do it a few times, it becomes easier!

Never ceases to amaze me how some women will try and palm off child related responsibilities on literally any other woman they can find, rather than ask their lazy, good for nothing, man-child husbands to step up and do a bit. Unbelievable.

When she asks or is stuck again "Nope, it doesnt work for me"
"The situation doesnt work for me"
" Going forward the childcare doesnt work for me"
If she cries, gets upset, victimizes herself or gjves you backlash or other ways to have her child even with money repeat " like i said it doesnt work as I have enough going on to keep me busy"

Yes I agree, people need to look after themselves first before they offer their time and energy to others.

Either say no it doesn’t suit what you have plans for that day and will be difficult to in the future
or suddenly become busy being out doing something.

Sounds like she is lining you up for summer holiday childcare!

Time to start saying no.

Just be honest and say you cannot provide free, regular childcare on tap!

She's cheeky asking but you are allowing the situation!!!

I've had a few people try it on for childcare out of me over the years and I just say no sorry I'm not able to help out with regular childcare would you like some links to where to find registered childminders.

If it is a good friend with a nice kid I'd say you are happy to help out in a rare emergency eg unexpected childcare setting closure or something but even then you may have plans and you're regular days with your kids you have lots on and like to focus just on them etc.

Just say no. Practice it!

Op childcare is a mess where I live, a person advertises on Fb and so many people snap their hand off because they’re desperate- we have overcrowded after schools and crèches around here that will have the odd availability but not regularly, it’s a mess. Life for us is not stop stress, dh is in another county and not supposed to wfh but gets away with it sometimes and I juggle shifts (retail). Life is so exhausting and I cry and think ‘today I’ll just quit’ so regularly. A friend of my son’s has offered to take him sometimes but I only take her up on this offer once every six weeks or so and I have him bring food and I give her something after because it’s not fair that she be inconvenienced because we can’t work it out. Twice a week is nuts! I never agree with the ‘wet lettuce/ eff her’ type posts, but you do have to say I’m sorry I can’t do this regularly. You don’t have to say why, just repeat I’m sorry I can’t. I know it’ll be hard but you’ve stuff on your plate too

I’d find this awkward so would start saying I’m busy with swimming, etc. Or if you wouldn’t mind some regular cover, suggest she takes your child for the same number of hours per week in return

You’re being way too nice OP and I’m afraid to say but a pushover… You need to be firm and if it affects the friendship then so be it, she’s taking the piss. For me it’s more the fact she doesn’t offer to pay you or even send her child with food. Ridiculous.

She'd probably say "oh yes, Alfie would love to go swimming!" and still bring him over.

Exactly. Don't give a reason or she'll just bulldoze through it with a solution.

Just say no.