Am I being unreasonable about childcare for a friend?

[Baconrollplease]

I feel a bit awkward even posting this, but I need a sense check. a friend of mine has started asking me to have her child quite regularly while she’s working. I’ve had him twice this week already, both times for about 6 hours.

I genuinely don’t mind helping occasionally, and the kids play nicely together, but it’s starting to feel like I’m becoming her go-to childcare. She doesn’t offer any money or even send food, so I’m feeding and entertaining him for the whole time. She asked me on Monday if I could have him on Wednesday, so it’s not always last minute, but I don’t feel like I can easily say no without feeling guilty.

I think what’s bothering me is that it feels a bit assumed now rather than a favour, if that makes sense.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit taken advantage of? And how would you handle this without damaging the friendship?

CFs rake advance of people who let them.

“Sorry, Clare. That doesn’t work for us. I can’t have little Timmy.”

”But you’re only at home with little Terry/it’s the school run you’re doing anyway?”

“I know but it still doesn’t work for us.”

Don’t explain other than you can’t do it and then watch to see who she leeches off next time.

Are you saying you already do childcare for her after school? and now she's asking for weekends and school holidays?

You need to say, No. if it affects the friendship she wasn't ever your friend so no loss there. She was only ever a big user taking advantage.

You are being taken advantage of, just say no.

You need to say no, I don't want this as a regular arrangement.

You have rightly identified that is being assumed now. In my experience you start off doing a favour and it's appreciated but if it becomes regular/assumed and then you try and say no, the other person then gets the huff because they have started to see you as their "server".

I had this with cheeky school mum who didn't drive (have posted about her before). Whenever there was a school trip or party she would pester me to give her kid a lift. It was a pain as I had to go out of the way, her daughter was quite rude and not the best behaved and her husband did drive but didn't like "running the kids around at the weekend when I want to relax". She never offered any kind of favour in return and i dont think i ever got a thank you. I started saying no if I didn't feel like it and the cheeky fucker got pissed off and asked if I could arrange for one of the other school parents to do it instead. Err, NO!

You have to tell her now, even if you text her saying you can't have him.over the summer you are too busy, it doesn't matter if you are not your time is your own.

Hard to read but I do think you have a fair point.

Being kind isn't a weakness helping others isn't a weakness but set yourself some boundaries, you will feel better for it, you are not responsible for this womens well being.

Asking Monday for Wednesday is last minute.

She now sees you as her regular (free) healthcare solution, and knows that you’ll agree. However, although this sounds harsh, you haven’t helped the situation by doing it.

You need to stop saying ‘yes’ even to her ‘it’s an emergency request/tears/emotional manipulation.’ I get you wanted to help, but help has crept into ‘taking advantage’ territory, ands her childcare is not your problem to sort.

Stop being available and start mentioning what a busy summer you’ve got planned before she starts dropping hints about the summer.

No stop that right now. Don’t even make up an excuse.”Sorry no I can’t do that “ is a whole sentence. I know it took me years of practice to be able to say no…to not waffle uncomfortably about some made up story….i feel you, if it’s not your natural personality…..but as a recovering people pleaser , you absolutely have to stop this right now. She will just have to find an alternative. Whether that’s another “friend “, granny, or proper regular childcare…that’s on her, not you.
stop being taking advantage of 🫶 it will only get worse

Just say no it doesn't work for me. She's taking advantage of you and you're letting her.

I don’t mean it unpleasantly, OP, genuinely. I just think you need to really think about why you are repeatedly behaving as if someone else’s needs are more important than yours. Because it’s not ‘being too nice’. You’re making a choice you know in advance doesn’t suit you over and over.

What would you say to your child if they were giving their lunch to their ‘friend’ everyday and going hungry because they were afraid they wouldn’t be their friend any more if they said no, they wanted to eat their own sandwich?

Maybe. I think this depends on whether the friend asking genuinely thinks the OP could and would say no if she didn’t want to, and wouldn’t take offence it try to guilt her into it. Like, if she read this and realised the post was about her she would feel mortified she put her friend in that position.

I suspect the opposite is true. The “friend” knows OP is a people pleaser that struggles to say no. Therefore she asks knowing damn well the OP likely doesn’t want to do this all the time, but also knows she can’t say no so is asking anyway.

Realistically it has to be the latter - because if she doesn’t know OP well enough to know this about her, she’s not a good enough friend to be asking for regular childcare anyway.

I think you are being too harsh. For someone who isn’t people pleaser, you simply cannot understand how someone else can be. “just say no” - it really, really isn’t that easy. I suspect, like me, it stems from how you were raised and expectations at home from parents.

If you think that someone who has it ingrained that they should always help people if they can will suddenly start say no because someone on the internet called them a wet lettuce and told them it’s their own fault, you are mistaken. It’s really fucking hard. It’s taken me years to recognise it in myself, and start trying to say no more - if you have friends who would take advantage of your nature, they push back hard and make YOU feel like the bad friend.

You might struggle to have sympathy for someone you see as not helping themselves, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I bet you’re one of those people that don’t understand why abuse victims stay in their relationships either and so blame them more than their abuser.

Start asking her to watch your kid she will soon stop asking

I am a recovered people pleaser who was brought up by a chronic people-pleaser. I know exactly what it’s like. The key thing is to stop deluding yourself that you’re ’too nice’. It’s a bad habit, not a virtue.

And I dealt with CSA when I was still in primary school, so sod off either way your projected unpleasantness.

I would then say (if you’re unable to just say no sorry I can’t) that you have all lot on with work and arranging your own childcare etc so you can’t commit to an extra responsibility. Even if you were a SAHM my response would still be the same

You definitely need to nip this in the bud now before the Summer holidays are upon you.
She has no problem with inconveniencing you and putting you out, so you must simply stick up for yourself and do what is best for YOU not her.

She obviously is a user just by the nature of what she is doing. Then add in the fact that she gives no contribution towards outings, food etc and it just makes the situation even worse.

You don't like it and want to stop being used and you are the only person who can put a stop to it.

Text saying
Hi Jane. I just wanted to chat about the kiddos' playdates! They have enjoyed playing together but I really value the one on one time with my son. Just this week I’ve had (your son) * Fred twice in total for over 12 hours and I’ve been entertaining, watching them and feeding them etc I’m finding it a struggle to manage the extra hosting and meals alongside my own routine and time with mine and my own needs. I want to treat mine (treats out and plans etc) and when yours is here I ensure he is not left out a double up on expenses to include him but parenting is hard work and even harder with two! I also feel it is important that I carve out time and bonding for me and my own child. I’m happy to do the occasional play date, pre arranged in advance, but I can't take him on an expected basis anymore. I do hope you understand. John and I use a proper childminder in the summer - would you like her details? I do hope you don’t mind me saying something but it’s all just been a bit too much and I felt I needed to say something before it affected our friendship. Love Jen x

If she is a proper friend she will apologise and back off!!

I do feel your pain I was a teacher and had my own two children and I was a single parent and I became a drop in centre for all my ‘friends’ during every half term / summer etc and some times just a text the day before Hi Jen I have been called into work tomorrow can I drop Ben round in the morning. No appreciation or a just text thank you and no reciprocal need or agreement and suddenly I had 3,4,5 children to look after. I even had one friend who knocked on the door in the holidays at 6. 30 am to drop a child off with no pre arrangement! With a I thought it would be ok and when I attempted to say I just want a lie in and to have my own kids, the child started crying and I feel so guilt tripped I took him and she was late picking him up , all a bit shit.

You need to get better at saying no.

I have used the I’m sorry that doesn’t work for me line and others are-

I will get back to you if I can help but I am really busy so I don’t think I can, sorry.

I really can’t Emma has been down recently and asking me to spend more 1-2-1 time and I realised I have been neglecting this precious family time so we just doing family this week. Sorry

Actually we have plans and the kids want to make some memories this holiday just as a family

I can’t help I’m afraid

Sorry I can’t I have too much going on

Can Emma comes to yours for two days next week in return for having Katie twice this week I have loads of stuff I need to do and with them over and playing and needs supervising / entertaining I am behind with DIY/ marking/ work etc so can you have her next week please?

Sorry I’m on holiday this week and I’m sure you appreciate as a teacher and single parent just how exhausted term time is and I need some days of no children (except my own) to see etc

etc

Friends like mine — they dropped away as friends if they were cheeky fuckers but the real ones stopped using me and made it reciprocal.

This happened to a friend of mine, she would just say yes to anyone and ended up being a default childminder for some children. In fact two childminders actually approached her, told her there were spaces with childminders and she was being a mug. They charge to look after children on a regular basis and you are being used. It really made her think about it.

They were not friends with her own children. I have covered inset days for my son's best friend because there was always reciprocal playdates and I was a sahm so always available. I always offered, I was never asked.

Say no now

I had something similar years ago when a mum colleague at work asked if id have her little one as a one off

Being a people pleaser I did it (she sent no food/nappies/toys and was very late picking him up as 'I got talking')

It ended with me having him 3 times a week,unpaid and costing me a fortune (and her other 3 kids overnight/holidays)

It ended badly and im still the bad guy in the eyes of her and work (she wanted to bag herself a huge promotion and was sucking up to the bosses but could only do this as I was the unpaid skivvy as her husband couldnt have been more hands off with his own kids)

She soon latched onto someone else to have him and then ended up leaving anyway

(And after all this,I was called a liar when I posted on here at the time!)

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit taken advantage of? Yes because you are massively being taken advantage of.

Looking after her child in a one-off emergency is fine but she's treating you as an unpaid childminder.
(I voted YANBU)

You now need to say, “No, I can’t have him. It doesn’t work for me.” If the CF keeps pushing say, “Look, I’ve been doing you a big favour here by giving hours of free childcare. It has actually been at an expense to myself. You can ask occasionally and I’ll tell you if I’m happy to do it, but just know that I won’t be saying yes every time you ask.” And if the CF still keeps pushing say, “You’re going to need to ask someone else now, I’m afraid. I don’t want us to fall out but you’re now acting like it’s an expectation rather than recognising that I’ve been voluntarily helping you out.”

Absolutely don’t do this unless you want to be working as an illegal childminder. I think you are already crossing that line anyway with what you described. I remember a case of two policewomen who had reciprocal arrangements to look after each others children as they worked opposite shifts. They were prosecuted as it was more than a casual one off situation and so they should have registered as childminders to legally be able to do this. I think only relatives can give regular, free childcare without registering.

OP, if it helps with the feeling guilty, here are the reasons I'd say it's reasonable to ask a friend to provide childcare

1. It's part of a "formal" arrangement - either paid or reciprocal
2. It's a genuine emergency (e.g. need to take one child to hospital; will you watch the other?)
3. Genuine one-off (e.g. childminder is ill that day)
4. occasional (e.g once a month so they can go out in the evening; ideally with the favour being returned)

If you were saying "no" to any of these, you would still be totally justified in doing so, but they are more reasonable favours to ask.

Two 6 hour days in the space of the week, with the expectation that you will do more days, is CF territory. Saying "no" (and do not justify) to a CF is not something you need to feel guilty for.

I don't think you're being taken advantage of. You're willing and repeatedly doing this because it fulfils a need for you.