Am I being unreasonable about childcare for a friend?

[Baconrollplease]

I feel a bit awkward even posting this, but I need a sense check. a friend of mine has started asking me to have her child quite regularly while she’s working. I’ve had him twice this week already, both times for about 6 hours.

I genuinely don’t mind helping occasionally, and the kids play nicely together, but it’s starting to feel like I’m becoming her go-to childcare. She doesn’t offer any money or even send food, so I’m feeding and entertaining him for the whole time. She asked me on Monday if I could have him on Wednesday, so it’s not always last minute, but I don’t feel like I can easily say no without feeling guilty.

I think what’s bothering me is that it feels a bit assumed now rather than a favour, if that makes sense.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit taken advantage of? And how would you handle this without damaging the friendship?

Well said @DonalOg! No-one can sort this except you OP. Use your words and say no.

Then why are you being so cruel to the OP? If you KNOW how hard it is etc, there’s no need for you to be nasty to her.

I’m sorry you experienced that in childhood. Wasn’t the point I was raising, but might explain a few things.

There seems to be a very rich seam of childcare CFery on MN. Its unbelievable that some women are asked to do for free what many get paid for. I got roped in years ago when my own dc was a baby and I was pregnant again. Mother did 4pm -8pm shifts as a packer. The very first time she didnt turn up to collect the child till nearly 10pm (she was having a brew and "didnt realise" how late it was.) I just said no sorry its getting too much now with the new baby on the way. I dont know how she managed and I didnt care tbh

I would not do this. If you receive financial payments to look after someone's child and are not a registered childminder you could get in all sorts of trouble if you are reported.

I mean YANBU. But yabu to not just say No! Where have your big girl pants been put away?!

And how would you handle this without damaging the friendship?

This always interests me because you are talking about someone who has not considered it might damage the friendship to ask or expect big favours.

If they have the confidence to ask, they have the confidence to survive someone saying 'no' . If they have the cheek to ask, they have no right to have the cheek to be offended.

Anyway I would just say 'not for longer than an hour for a playdate - I am not a skilled enough childminder to have two all day, it wears me out!'

She needs proper childcare in place. It's hardly a friendship challenging issue to not be that childcare for free. And if it is she is not a friend she is an exploitative CF.

Seriously? You don’t think the friend should, y’know, have some decency and just not be a CF in the first place?

I’d tackle summer head on now. Next time you are chatting and she asks what you have been doing say something like oh I’ve been putting in place all the summer holiday plans The childcare is all sorted for my work days we have plans every other day. I’m really looking forward to it.

Then if she asks you can say don’t you remember I told you in April that I had plans for every day. So that won’t be possible.

This.

I agree with others that you need to sort this out before the holidays but appreciate it can be hard without giving a reason. Personally I would say you have a lot on, you can do occasional play dates (don’t call it childcare) but here is the number of the childminder you use because you can’t commit to taking Johnny regularly anymore. If she says she can’t afford it just say you know it’s a lot because you have to pay it too!

I think in these situations you will feel bad either way, because you’d feel bad for saying no but you also feel bad saying yes and going along with something you don’t want. So you might as well feel bad for saying no and get the outcome you want

Sorry op but she’s taking advantage of you and not offering to give you money for feeding him and treats is worse a good friend would not do this to you. Next time she’s ask just say hey x sorry but it’s restricting what I do with my own dc and my family time. I didn’t mind as a one off but it’s becoming too regular. Op what did she do before you started helping her is she a single mum? Can she afford to give you money to feed her dc? I know this isn’t really relevant but trying to see her life. But either way she being a cheeky bitch. What does your dh think? It really is about you putting your boundaries in place now. Otherwise it will become the norm and you don’t want it. The friendship is 1 way at the minute also why do people have kids to the dump on other mums who pay out childcare do they really think this is acceptable?

I was friends with a neighbour. I fell into this pattern of her DD being here all the time. She kept trying to make me feel bad as she had 2 children and I only had 1.
She then tried to suggest I take both children for whole weekends so she could go away.
I then had an emergency and asked her to take DD for a few hours and she refused as she fancied ‘ a lazy day’. She still tried to keep sending DD round, when I pushed back (I couldn’t as I had major things going on) she dumped me as a friend.

Either say no you have plans, or ask her to have your kid and see what the response is like

She asked me on Monday if I could have him on Wednesday, so it’s not always last minute

This stuck out to me - 2 days in advance is pretty last minute in my book for organising childcare so you can work.

For a casual 2 hour playdate, sure, that's normal notice but if we are both working our childcare is usually in place a month in advance at least and often I take advantage of early booking offers and get it in much earlier

Have you ever said no and what does she do if you do?

This is a classic example of the FED principle - Favour becomes Expectation becomes Demand.

OP, your friend is definitely in the Expectation phase and will soon be in the demand phase regarding you minding her son. You must stop doi g it now. It is not fair on your own children.

”Have you ever said no and what does she do if you do?”

Interesting question. I’m guessing she turns ‘ever so grateful’ and ‘is desperate’ and ‘she’ll definitely organise something for next time’ , … then asks again.

As @Clogblog says, emergencies and last minute requests are when your childminder or mother falls ill. They’re not on a regular basis. Also, does she have any plans for childcare, and if it costs her money (so it’s not worth working etc), that’s not your problem. That’s part and parcel of being a working mum.

If you don't nip it in the bud, you're going to be lumbered OP.

Tell her you dont mind the odd hour but you won't be doing full days anymore and she's to sort something else out. Don't even mention money as it's a workaround.

If she falls out with you over it then it's wins all round.

Six hours at a time?! I have only ever done this as part of a reciprocal agreement in holidays or on inset days, to help out friends. But that’s always, always reciprocated and we discuss the fairness of it quite bluntly eg “you covered last inset day; how about I do this one if you’re working?” . And if there’s an activity i always say “oh , that’s fine - I can have Timmy but I was thinking of taking the kids to softplay / to the nature park so if he wants to come, can you ping me £7.50 for the entrance fee / give him a few quid if you are ok for him to have an ice lolly?”

I would definitely say when she asks again, “I can do this week, but I have looked after Timmy so much recently and it’s costing me a fortune in food and trips as I can’t leave him at home when I take my own dc out. Can you let me have £30 to cover the cost of his food for the days I’ve had him over the holidays? You must be saving a fortune in childcare, so I hope that’s ok. Also - I’m not going to be free for the next three weeks as I have plans with dc, I wanted to let you know so you can plan ahead.”

If you think this is genuinely a friend who is just pushing the boundaries and probably doesn’t totally realise how cheeky she’s being … then you’ll find out when you start asking her to cover costs of meals and trips.

It should be recipricated .If you dont need child care She should take your child for a treat an odd time i think .

This. All she'll hear is how you love helping her.

It's true. Read it through again.
Practise in front of the mirror "I can't take Alfie tomorrow". Don't add anything.
Don't say you've got a busy summer, because it doesn't matter if you have or you haven't.
Don't start sentences with "I'm afraid" or "I'm sorry" and on no account say that you've "loved having him".
Just say no, you don't need a reason.

You can have sympathy from someone who struggles - but that doesn't mean you should just keep enabling them and sympathising and soothing and saying 'ooh yes, nasty friend'.

A new perspective, especially from people who find polite, assertive ways to keep boundaries they are happy with, is the start of re-assuring people that it is OK to say no. And that yes, people pleasing, whether it is a result if a difficult upbringing or not, does actually involve being a wet lettuce to some extent, that is precisely the problem. And is very different from being 'nice' or 'kind'.

In past re-incarnations on MN I have spent years alongside individual posters who are freeing themselves from abusive relationships - I understand exactly how one of the key functions of emotional abuse is to destroy the very qualities the victim needs in order to rescue themselves.

The OP is not being emotional abused, she is being taken for granted / her inability to say No is allowing her to be exploited.

The OP is being given plenty of advice that she is not in the wrong and constructive ways to put a stop to this.

A CF can only engage in cheeky fuckery if there is a wet lettuce to facilitate them

This should be on a tea towel or something @DonalOg 😂

Too waffly and over explain-y.

I think the key here is that you don't want to damage the friendship. This person is taking advantage of you. Why should you be hesitant to damage the friendship by asking for fair compensation or by asserting boundaries, when she doesn't care about damaging the friendship by taking advantage of you?

The fear of damaging the friendship is leading you to feel hesitant about standing up for yourself. Ask yourself why you are afraid to "damage" a "friendship" with someone who is using you.