Am I being unreasonable about childcare for a friend?

[Baconrollplease]

I feel a bit awkward even posting this, but I need a sense check. a friend of mine has started asking me to have her child quite regularly while she’s working. I’ve had him twice this week already, both times for about 6 hours.

I genuinely don’t mind helping occasionally, and the kids play nicely together, but it’s starting to feel like I’m becoming her go-to childcare. She doesn’t offer any money or even send food, so I’m feeding and entertaining him for the whole time. She asked me on Monday if I could have him on Wednesday, so it’s not always last minute, but I don’t feel like I can easily say no without feeling guilty.

I think what’s bothering me is that it feels a bit assumed now rather than a favour, if that makes sense.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit taken advantage of? And how would you handle this without damaging the friendship?

This is exceptionally rude
the only way this can work out is if she will do babysitting back for you. Do you want to send your child to her at the weekend so you can have a spa day or date night?

That is not the ops fault but all this i feel bad and a million other reasons for not saying no is

I agree that you need to start being less available, as others have suggested above.

I also think you should turn it around a bit, and start casually asking her to mind your child e.g. every Saturday a few weeks in a row... When she has no qualms about telling you "no", it will make it much easier for you (both) to see how cheeky she is being to you

The inability of some women to stand up for themselves makes me very sad.

Is it social conditioning, fear of losing a "friendship" or something else?

OP, practice in front of a mirror. "Having Fred regularly does not work for me or for Sam either. But let me know if you ever have a real emergency and I'll see if I can help that day."

Or just say no.

Yes this, she is taking the piss and not even bothering about the op.

Op this woman's childcare.issues are not yours, what do you think will happen if you sat no ?

I agree, it is honestly unsettling how some women can't or refuse to say no.

This is why I hate the “there’s no harm in asking” types - OP shows exactly what the problem is. She’s dealing with someone who’s brazen and not afraid to ask for exactly what she wants - and the OP needs to reply in kind. “No - I can’t look after your child”. But some people are conditioned to be nice/to feel guilty for saying no and find it difficult (and these types know that and can use it to their advantage). Agree with others here. Just say “sorry, no - plans that day” and then engage no further with her on the topic. If you aren’t friends after that, then you’ll know you weren’t friends in the first place…..

I was once guilted into having a neighbour shild while she went for an interview. I owed her a favour and seemingly she had asked everyone else. I asked what she was going to do for childcare if she got the job. "Oh we will manage somehow." Being childfree I was determined that WE were not going to manage somehow. I was not going to be gragooned into the default childcare because I was a student at the time. When she got back she asked how he had been. "Oh he did whinge a bit but I just turned the TV up."

I did check on the kid a couple of times but was not going to tell her that. She never asked me to babysit again. Weaponised incompetence can be very effective.

If she takes offence and you lose the friendship when you say you can't look after her child then she was never a friend in the first place!

You have to say no. Why has she started working without sorting proper childcare?

Honestly, you need to just say ‘sorry I have plans, perhaps your DC can come for tea at 3 on x date [2-3 weeks away].’

I was helpful for a friend as she was going through an acrimonious divorce and trying to keep her job - ended up having her boys 3 nights a week after school and 6-10x a year for whole weeks at a time, overnight, for FOUR YEARS. As soon as I said this was an issue as my eldest DC was having MH issues so asked if we could explore other options… I was dropped and never spoken to again. I am not kidding. Decimated my self confidence and made me completely distrustful of people, something I am trying to address now.

This friend will do the same. They are not actually a friend. They are using you for convenience. Unless it is reciprocal or they are offering to pay you the going rate, say no. Now.

Just say you're busy or have plans. Don't give a specific reason as she'll find a 'solution' that means you can still look after him.

And if this ends the friendship then it's her thst has caused it, not you.

Totally agree. The OP just needs to say no. She doesn't even need to give an explanation.

Do you work yourself?

Yes. I manage it between DH and I, and also used a proper childminder during the holidays. The summer is coming up and I am pretty sure I’ll be expected to cover her. I don’t mind doing it on a school day as I pick him up at the same time as my son and keep him for an hour but doing full days during the summer is something else.

To those asking she does take my son sometimes for afew hours but I would never use her as my default childcare.

Is this a friend you've made through your children going to school together? I found that some mums encourage friendship so they can ask for a bit of childcare..I realised this when I didn't hear from them when the kids got older.

I think you would be perfectly reasonable to either say you're unavailable, or you will do it but on a regular schedule that suits you (not necessarily full time) but she will need to at least cover the costs of her child's food and activities. Or give her the number of your childminder.........

Come on. You need to tell her you're not able to do this for so long & so regularly. There is no reason for you to feel guilty and she shouldn't make you feel like that. It's an unreasonable expectation

The friendship is already damaged because she's taking the piss.
If the friendship is dependent on you not saying no, then you don't have a friendship worth protecting.

I’ve lost count of the amount of money I’ve spent on her kid.. McDonald’s, lunches, ice cream, soft play… basically anything I get for my own ds. I justify it at the time as it’s just afew quid but it all adds up. Need to stop being such a walkover!

I cant do this anymore going forward.One more child added to the mix is a lot (tinkly mn laugh)

Bluntly, stop being such a wet lettuce! Do you think that having weakly agreed to do something you don’t want to do and which costs you money and effort multiple times makes you admirable rather than a bit of a sap? If you do, I’d get shot of that thought pattern sharpish. It’s fundamentally untrue. You’re not being ‘a good friend’, you’re choosing to behave as if your own time and money are less important than someone else’s, because you can’t deal with the discomfort of saying ‘no’.

Stop focusing on her being a ‘CF’. A CF can only engage in cheeky fuckery if there is a wet lettuce to facilitate them. At the moment you are choosing to be that self-appointed wet lettuce. Because it is a choice. No one has you at gunpoint. Make different, better choices next week.

Ball is in your court to say no. I can't blame her though when childcare is basically an extortion racket when it comes to prices nowadays.

If I may offer a suggestion: hammer out a formal agreement. Even if she paid you £25 a day and brought her childs food it's still cheaper than your average childcare. If she says no than you can decide whether you want to keep doing this or not.

The cost of childcare is not the OP’s problem! And I assume that if she wanted to be a childminder, she would set up as one?