Am I being unreasonable about childcare for a friend?

[Baconrollplease]

I feel a bit awkward even posting this, but I need a sense check. a friend of mine has started asking me to have her child quite regularly while she’s working. I’ve had him twice this week already, both times for about 6 hours.

I genuinely don’t mind helping occasionally, and the kids play nicely together, but it’s starting to feel like I’m becoming her go-to childcare. She doesn’t offer any money or even send food, so I’m feeding and entertaining him for the whole time. She asked me on Monday if I could have him on Wednesday, so it’s not always last minute, but I don’t feel like I can easily say no without feeling guilty.

I think what’s bothering me is that it feels a bit assumed now rather than a favour, if that makes sense.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit taken advantage of? And how would you handle this without damaging the friendship?

Exactly, plus too much apologising.
The OP has nothing to apologise for.

I can remember a school mam friend asking if I could have her child during holidays 3 days straight, I’m normally a people pleaser, but I just laughed and said no!
I had taken the time off work and wasn’t getting up at 7 o’clock to meet her at bus stop at 7.30!!! My friend actually travelled to the bus stop to pick her up.
The mam just said thanks after 3 days, no flowers, wine or even a packed lunch for her child. But she did give my friend a list of her daughter’s food.
I told her she had asked me already, I had been brave and just said no!
And no she never looked after my friends child not even a play date! Bloody cheek, but if you don’t ask you don’t get!

I remember once that a school friend of my son said that his Mum and her new boyfriend were going on holiday to Turkey, and could he stay with us for 2 weeks! I said no.
I saw the mum a few days later she asked when she could drop him round before he holiday!
I said "he's not staying with us".
That was that.

Honestly if the children are friends I don’t see the problem. When your kid has a friend round you don’t need to be spending money on soft play and McDonald’s just let them play at home or go to the park. Obviously if it doesn’t suit say no but even better if you can get a few reciprocal play dates for you to get a break.

My son has friends over loads. I just make sure I have a good supply of easy food, a couple cheese toasties and some ice lollies is all they need!

Please don't continue to priortise another family's happiness over that of your own family. Stand up for yourself as of yesterday.

@Finchgold , there's a big difference between having a friend over to play and providing free regular childcare.

She asked me on Monday if I could have him on Wednesday, so it’s not always last minute, but I don’t feel like I can easily say no without feeling guilty.

You don't need to say no, you need to set limits.

'Yes, I can have him this Wednesday but going forward I would like to reduce the number of times I am responsible for him. I'm happy to help out now and again but I mean more like once every couple of months or so not every week.'

Send her a breakdown of costs you’ve had to pay for her son - tell her £25 a day will cover it - and ask her to just transfer the how ever many days there were x £25 a day to your bank account and here’s the details. No sorry no please etc just a oh you just reminded me asking for childcare again
The other day that you owe me xyz - she won’t pay and will be highly offended but when you reply and tell her surely she didn’t expect you yo pay all HER child’s expenses?!?! And remind her that surely as she must pay a childminder usually when you’re not covering those days and know a childminder will be approx £75 a day that she’s saved a lot already? And then say you’re thinking of registering as a childminder on the side 😆 you won’t hear from her again!

Wow, she’s extremely cheeky! Just say no because you have plans, she’ll likely ask if he can be factored in so just say no

NO is a complete sentence

If she's the CF I think she is..... which I get from the fact that she is now "assuming" you will look after her child.... then I think you should steer clear of asking for reciprocal...

I had this.. the person offered a tiny bit of help... but it turned out it was only to ask for even bigger favours and then once that was established - their part in returning the favour dried up.

Of course its great when you have a mum friend who will help with occasional swaps, but this person is over stepping your boundaries and so it's someone I would steer clear getting into any favours between you. She doesn't bring food or offer payment because that would involve her acknowledging that you were doing her a service and she wants to continue to be viewed as no trouble at all.

There is a reason you feel guilty. She is making you feel guilty.. with her assumptions that its all no big deal, that her child and your child enjoy time together so in fact its something that ought to happen. There is always an implied threat in these situations, that if you don't do what they ask, you won't be a real friend and they will withdraw their friendship. But frankly.. that is a risk you have to take or continue to feel that you are being imposed upon.

Nip it in the bud.. try turning her down and see if she is still friendly or starts acting offended.. if she's still friendly and takes it in good part - she is a better friend than she currently appears. If she is a CF, you will soon find out.

It's time to take the risk. Speak up.

So why are you such a walkover? And why feel guilty? I don't get it.

that is exactly it. Some how you've picked up on the vibe that saying no to her will result in consequences.. that you will be deemed unhelpful/not a good friend/ unreasonable and therefore not worthy of the friendship.

But if you removed the friendship threat from this equation.... and decide that if she does'nt want to be friends unless you do her bidding, that you don't care if it affects the friendship - then you will find its much easier to say no.

Another issue that makes it harder to say no is that sometimes people who want to take advantage get to know your timetable/calendar.. and so when you say "I can't do Tuesday." they come back with "but you are going to xyz and its on your way surely." and start demolishing any excuses. This is when you have to get tough and say simply. I don't want to do Tuesday. And when you do it, remember that if it feels very blunt to you, that the person has forced you into being blunt by not taking no for an answer in the first place.

You are taking away from what you can do with your own child if you're spending half your fun money on someone who isn't your child. Look at it that way.

Tell her she needs to sort childcare during her working areas as you will not be providing it for her. Your hours and reduced income are to benefit your family, not hers.

Agree that this reads as harsh BUT it's bang on!

'Sorry, we have plans' is enough.

If pushed, go for a 'That doesn't work for us' and if she really is cheeky enough to think of you as holiday cover then you are going to have to find the kahoonas to say 'Please don't rely on us for childcare over the summer. We can't commit to it either logistically or financially'.

If saying no causes problems in the friendship it wasn't a good friendship to start with.

this. She is not your friend, you are her free childminder.

Has anyone asked what is the father of the child doing in all this, working I guess

Yanbu. Unless you are proactively offering, it's an absolute emergency or she is offering reciprocal childcare that helps you she is unreasonable to expect this. She needs to make a proper childcare arrangement with a childcare provider.

When DS was primary age me and another parent did help each other out with childcare but this was very much reciprocal, our kids enjoyed it and it suited us both. We each did one school pick up a week in term time and each had the kids one day a week in school holidays. Neither of us took the mick like your friend is doing.

O. M. G.
I can't believe this post..
She will be asking to borrow your husband next AND YES I ve been in this situation with A MANIPULATOR AND YES she did go after him........
First : HUMANS are very sociable animals, kindly animals ; and users love this fact. Thing is we all ' use ' each other to a certain extent BUT there's USING each other and FEELING USED!!! You are in the latter category. I'm afraid that you are now feeling Used and are P Off..... You must accept that you dont like, .......... anymore. Swallow your pain and deal with the problem. If I was you I should write her a letter and send it first class. Apologise that you cannot do it any more because you find other people's kids really annoying little brats and it's ruining your life. This will probably end your friendship because I've been in this situation where someone has taken me for a MUG.!!!!!I HOPE you take my advice SOON !!!

Do not send a letter

Sending a letter is such a weird suggestion 😄

Yeah, don't do that

My son and his friend go to each others houses in the holidays sometimes - but it’s always 1:1. My son was there for a full day and she took them swimming, then two days later I took them to a science centre for the day. Helps us both and the boys love it. We don’t have a scorecard, but it works itself out pretty evenly.

I actually host play dates more than many people but on my initiative and because my son asks. We have a good house for play dates with a garden and plenty of space and lots of their friends are in flats with shared bedrooms etc. But I invite them, no expectation for a return. And for a couple hours, not entire days! So things don’t have to be even but they do have to be balanced.

All this to say just say no if you don’t enjoy it. Or say ‘sure; we are going to soft play and McDonald’s so just send me £20 and I can bring James along too’ or whatever if it’s more a money thing than the rest of it.

A couple of hours is completely different to a 6 hour day.
Most of us have done that kind of play date. This is effectively a whole day.

Well yeh you can blame someone who takes the piss out of someone's good nature