Am I being unreasonable about childcare for a friend?

[Baconrollplease]

I feel a bit awkward even posting this, but I need a sense check. a friend of mine has started asking me to have her child quite regularly while she’s working. I’ve had him twice this week already, both times for about 6 hours.

I genuinely don’t mind helping occasionally, and the kids play nicely together, but it’s starting to feel like I’m becoming her go-to childcare. She doesn’t offer any money or even send food, so I’m feeding and entertaining him for the whole time. She asked me on Monday if I could have him on Wednesday, so it’s not always last minute, but I don’t feel like I can easily say no without feeling guilty.

I think what’s bothering me is that it feels a bit assumed now rather than a favour, if that makes sense.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit taken advantage of? And how would you handle this without damaging the friendship?

You need to nip this in the bud, OP. Twice this week! How many times have you done it in the past? I have a very good friend who sometimes has my son for a number of hours but it’s not expected, and I reciprocate by having her kids over regularly. It’s the expectation and the one sidedness that’s the issue.

I don’t feel like I can easily say no without feeling guilty

That’s your problem. You have to decide how often you’re willing to do it and then be brave and say no to more.

OP, six hours is a long time to look after someone else’s child. You need to tell her that it’s not possible for you to do it as a permanent arrangement because there are things you like to do with your child (eg swimming) that you can’t do with hers as well. Next time she asks, say you’ve made arrangements to go out that day - but it may be that you need to make it clear to her that childminding is a very occasional favour, not a regular thing.

Why does she need help? What are her usual arrangements? I’d still say asking 2 days before is too short notice. Just say no - you may be willing to help in an emergency but you are not a childcare facility.

You cant blame her because you cant say no though

If you can’t face it directly just make yourself less available. When she says can you have him on Wednesday just say no sorry I’ve got a doctors appointment/need to visit my nan/have work to do.

How many times in total have you looked after her child? And how many times had she had yours?

Op; just tell her no! She needs to pay for proper childcare.

The problem is that you feel bad saying no. I suggest just not being available next time. "Sorry, I have plans that day so can't care for x." You don't have to justify it either. Give people an inch, they will often take a mile.

This isn’t a friendship, so I wouldn’t worry about ruining it. She’s doing that all by herself.

What are her usual arrangements for childcare while she’s working? It can’t have been a surprise to her on Monday that she needed childcare for Wednesday, surely?!

I think you need to say no to one to break the pattern. Just an “oh I’d love to help but I’m out that day” is fine. Don’t have to be rude or confrontational if that’s not your style

Don’t even make excuses. “I can’t today.” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to justify yourself or feel guilt.

Yanbu!

That’s really taking the mick. It would be one thing in an emergency if the child was ill so couldn’t go to nursery and she had an important work meeting and her husband was away etc but no, this is not on.

Just say no and if you find being blunt awkward just say “sorry I have other things I need to do that day so I can’t”. You don’t need to get deep into specifics and lies.

I’d lose the “I’d love to help” - it’s not true and it makes it more likely that she’ll be asked again.

"I think what’s bothering me is that it feels a bit assumed now rather than a favour, if that makes sense."
It makes perfect sense. It never ceases to amaze me, how quickly gratitude becomes entitlement.

Please give your head a wobble for "feeling guilty". Saying no to a onerous cheeky demand request is nothing to feel guilty about.

So what happened that she's suddenly asking you all the time? What happened to her previous childcare arrangements? Or did she get a new job? What started this?

Oh, and - how long has she been a friend?

Stop being such a wet lettuce, OP. The only behaviour you can control here is your own. You’re people-pleasing, doing something you don’t want to do because you can’t deal with the discomfort of saying no. It’s a choice, but one you should stop making.

Your friend is taking advantage, she knows you feel awkward about saying 'no' which is why she asks and doesn't send food/snacks or offered payment. Has she offered reciprocal baby sitting?

It's all very well saying, 'Im busy on Tuesday or I have appointment on Wednesday but it doesn't get to the heart of the matter - you don't want to look after her child.

The next time she asks, say no, I helped you last week, but 12 hours entertaining and feeding 2 children is too much.

Tell her to look after her own kids.

"Sorry, no can do, but you've reminded me, could you have my little Johnny on Friday? I should be able to pick up by 6."

Well you can to some extent! This woman has a child and a job but doesn't seem to have official plans in place to ensure she carries out her responsibilities to both. What if the OP says no? Why doesn't she have childcare in place? She's a CF.

Unless she’s going through something right now and this is out of character then I’d say this person is absolutely not your friend.

How old is her child and yours?

It’s a huge favour to care for someone else’s child for six hours.

Start on conversation about it before she asks again. Explain you can’t do it, don’t offer excuses she can overcome. Just be factual.

Start saying no that doesn’t work for me every time, you don’t need to make a big thing of it.

You are being set up. Before you know it you won't feel you can plan anything with your DC because you are looking after someone else's child.

Years ago there was a corker on here where a neighbour had accepted a job and just assumed the OP would do the childcare.

You need to say no. I bet once you do you won't hear from her again.

You need to just say no, I have other plans. Refuse to get drawn into the plans as she will just problem solve how you can do your plans AND care for her child. Be vague, ‘I just can’t’. Or even more bluntly ‘I've said no, will you drop it?’ Between guilt and unreasonable demands, always choose guilt.

But none of that is the OP’s affair. All she needs to do is say no.