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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15 year old son stole my car and took it for a joy ride while were away

337 replies

Peoplearereallyweird · 17/04/2026 23:12

Name changed for this as could be outing and don't want it associated with my other posts.

Sorry posting for traffic - basically as the title says. Myself and my husband went away on our first holiday without DS1 (15) and DS2 (10) and MIL was looking after them while we were gone. Just got back and went to go out in my car today and noticed a couple of things felt "off" like the seat felt different, the radio was not on what it was normally and my husband noticed my exhaust was louder. When he checked it, it was broken. My MIL doesn't drive so I knew it wouldn't have been her so we checked the dash cam and to our horror, found our son had snuck out in the middle of the night while she was asleep and taken my car for a joy ride! DS1 is diagnosed ASD, very likely ADHD although not officially diagnosed yet but he knows right from wrong, there's no learning difficulties. He is in an alternative SEMH learning provision as he couldn't cope in mainstream, behaviour was not good at all and got so many suspensions but it took us years to fight for SEN place for him. He seemed to be doing well there to start but the last few months have been awful with his attitude and behaviour both in school and home. I've gone made at him tonight and so far I've removed his phone and gaming consol but he just doesn't seem to realise the seriousness of what he's done - he was lucky not to kill himself or someone else! I haven't yet called the police as I only found out a couple of hours ago so still trying to get my head around him being so stupid and reckless. I have a few friends who are officers - would you ask one of them to come and give him a talking too or make it offical and file a report? We feel like we're failing, even though everyone says we're "doing everything right", so also considering speaking with social services and asking school to see if they can arrange a pyschologist as I need to do something to address the underlying causes to his downward spiral. Just feel so lost right now

OP posts:
Thefingerofblame · 17/04/2026 23:27

Why did you go on holiday without your kids? Could he just be acting out because you left him at home?

I would ask an officer friend, one he doesn’t know preferably, to come and have a stern word (put the gentle frighteners on him) and hopefully that will be enough.

Everyone is allowed one mistake (and fortunately no harm done on this occasion), you don’t want to give him a bad reputation (at school and else where) if he can correct his behaviour.

Original poster
Peoplearereallyweird · 17/04/2026 23:38

Thefingerofblame · 17/04/2026 23:27

Why did you go on holiday without your kids? Could he just be acting out because you left him at home?

I would ask an officer friend, one he doesn’t know preferably, to come and have a stern word (put the gentle frighteners on him) and hopefully that will be enough.

Everyone is allowed one mistake (and fortunately no harm done on this occasion), you don’t want to give him a bad reputation (at school and else where) if he can correct his behaviour.

Edited

Are we not allowed to go on holiday without our children? It was an opportunity that came up related to what I do for work, that I have put off for years because if my children. It was my MIL that said we should go and jumped at the chance to look after them so we could go and "have a break" as she put it, due to the constant fighting for support etc for my son over the years. This incident has meant we won't ever do that again. He was prepped in advance as soon as we knew we were going and was totally fine with it, like I say no other learning delays or disabilities involved. Sadly he is getting a bad reputation at school already due to his behaviour, but they are an alternative SEMH school, so behavioural difficulties are kind of expected to a degree.

He's not met one of my officer friends, so I could definitely ask him to come round and have a word

OP posts:
RockyRoadTastesGood · 17/04/2026 23:40

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Doggodoggo · 17/04/2026 23:43

How does he know how to drive a car at 15?

Original poster
Peoplearereallyweird · 17/04/2026 23:43

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Want the dash cam footage to prove it? I've got a great selection to choose from as he was out driving around for nearly an hour!

OP posts:
Shade17 · 17/04/2026 23:44

Doggodoggo · 17/04/2026 23:43

How does he know how to drive a car at 15?

Why shouldn’t he? It’s hardly rocket science.

Veraverrto · 17/04/2026 23:44

Thefingerofblame · 17/04/2026 23:27

Why did you go on holiday without your kids? Could he just be acting out because you left him at home?

I would ask an officer friend, one he doesn’t know preferably, to come and have a stern word (put the gentle frighteners on him) and hopefully that will be enough.

Everyone is allowed one mistake (and fortunately no harm done on this occasion), you don’t want to give him a bad reputation (at school and else where) if he can correct his behaviour.

Edited

Surely you're not serious?

A child driving a car without a licence for a joyride is one mistake, no harm done? Oh it's ok darling, we understand you did it because you felt lonely....

Unbelievable.

Ablondiebutagoody · 17/04/2026 23:46

Bollocks. How does he know how to drive?

Original poster
Peoplearereallyweird · 17/04/2026 23:46

Doggodoggo · 17/04/2026 23:43

How does he know how to drive a car at 15?

Because his Dad is into cars and bought him a few of those young learner drive things. The instructors of those have said he's a natural at it but it seems that's given him a false sense of ability. I'm just thankful he didn't crash or hurt anyone. Safe to say he won't get anymore of those

OP posts:
BarbiesDreamHome · 17/04/2026 23:46

No, i I wouldn't ask a serving officer to do that, it puts them in a horrible position regarding whether or not to report it officially and they'll see you as using them as a weapon.

I wouldn't have even spoken to your son until you've calmed down and processed it and come up with a handling plan.

Suggest you decide what the punishment is and what the learning is and go from there.

Original poster
Peoplearereallyweird · 17/04/2026 23:48

@Veraverrto thank you for making me feel I'm not crazy in being horrified!

@Ablondiebutagoody I genuinely wish it was bollocks, that way I wouldn't be sat here crying about it

OP posts:
SmoothCollie · 17/04/2026 23:48

By all means let a friend have a word but what do you mean you haven't called the police yet, surely you're not going to report your child?

55notout · 17/04/2026 23:50

My brother did this years ago. My parents were furious but couldn’t prove it. He denied it. I think he hot wired it actually.

Anyway he was a bit of a knob and basically grew up and life moved on.

Original poster
Peoplearereallyweird · 17/04/2026 23:50

BarbiesDreamHome · 17/04/2026 23:46

No, i I wouldn't ask a serving officer to do that, it puts them in a horrible position regarding whether or not to report it officially and they'll see you as using them as a weapon.

I wouldn't have even spoken to your son until you've calmed down and processed it and come up with a handling plan.

Suggest you decide what the punishment is and what the learning is and go from there.

I did wonder that to be fair, if they would have to report it. He does need to know how serious this is.

I feel like such a failure as a Mum right now - I haven't raised him like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Peoplearereallyweird · 17/04/2026 23:53

@SmoothCollie part of a road he was driving on has part 60mph and part average speed camera for 40mph and the dashcam has his average at 47mph but I don't know if he was in the speedcheck bit. I was contemplating reporting due to his seeming couldn't give a shit attitude with the hope it might give him a wake up call

OP posts:
Original poster
Peoplearereallyweird · 17/04/2026 23:55

55notout · 17/04/2026 23:50

My brother did this years ago. My parents were furious but couldn’t prove it. He denied it. I think he hot wired it actually.

Anyway he was a bit of a knob and basically grew up and life moved on.

He can't deny it - the dash cam has sound recording of him singing along to his music quite joyfully!

OP posts:
OneNewEagle · 17/04/2026 23:55

Do not involve any friends or officers.

you should have also calmed down and come up with a plan before talking to you son.

If they are difficult to manage I would not have left them with your mil as too much for her for such a long time.

ThereWeAreThensmileyface · 17/04/2026 23:56

This could very well come back and bite you in the bum in a few weeks - speeding fines, jumping through red lights, who knows? What will you do then - take the wrap and purjur (spelling) yourself? You could find yourself personally in very hot water if you did/worst case are you prepared to go to jail for something you havent done?

wombat1a · 17/04/2026 23:56

I don't think police have much descretion these days, imagine it from their point of view, they speak off-the-record to DS. He does it again and knocks over someone, they could then be in trouble for not making it official.

This isn't a 'one mistake' job, he knew what he was doing, joyriding around a field is one thing, an hour on the roads is different.

AnotherNameChange1234567 · 17/04/2026 23:58

If you report him to the police he will likely be referred for triage intervention work, to focus on making good choices. He will not end up with a criminal record.

MyJustCat · 17/04/2026 23:59

Well you've removed his phone/console but you say he doesn't understand the seriousness. Well I think you need to hit this hard (not actually hit him) show him some videos the damage that can happen, the injuries it can cause - contact the police via 111 not as a favour from someone who is your friend that he sees as friendly, basically make sure the seriousness of it gets through to him .

Thefingerofblame · 18/04/2026 00:04

Peoplearereallyweird · 17/04/2026 23:38

Are we not allowed to go on holiday without our children? It was an opportunity that came up related to what I do for work, that I have put off for years because if my children. It was my MIL that said we should go and jumped at the chance to look after them so we could go and "have a break" as she put it, due to the constant fighting for support etc for my son over the years. This incident has meant we won't ever do that again. He was prepped in advance as soon as we knew we were going and was totally fine with it, like I say no other learning delays or disabilities involved. Sadly he is getting a bad reputation at school already due to his behaviour, but they are an alternative SEMH school, so behavioural difficulties are kind of expected to a degree.

He's not met one of my officer friends, so I could definitely ask him to come round and have a word

Edited
Show quote history

You can absolutely go on holiday without your children, I was just asking the reason why as there usually is one.

Due to the struggles your DS has, based on the school he attends, maybe he just didn’t cope with you not being there, even after all the prepping you did :(

He still needs a stern, police officer, talking too!

Ilusionada · 18/04/2026 00:06

He does sound quite adhd.
Perhaps meds may help?
Though i didnt find my audhd kid was particularly less impulsive

I think a lot of boys used to joyride.

i think i would impress on him the lack of insurance for him and others if there was an accident and because with a license etc a serious accident would be taken seriously as its not accidental if you havent passed a test. Proper lessons cover emergency stops and hazard awareness other traffic doing unexpected things.
controlling the car is the easy bit

Original poster
Peoplearereallyweird · 18/04/2026 00:06

@OneNewEagle He's normally good for his Nan, she had them for 4 nights so we (and she) thought manageable. She has now said she can't look after him anymore as she's scared he'll do it again which I totally understand. She's beside herself she didn't hear him but it's not her fault.

@ThereWeAreThensmileyface I have considered that might happen and told him he will have to deal with the consequences if it does

@AnotherNameChange1234567 I will look into that thank you. I believe the school can also arrange something like that as I know they've mentioned to parents that have a local community officer who comes in if needed for things like county lines.

@Thefingerofblame sorry, I took that as a dig, probably because I feel like it is our fault for going away. Not something we will do again. I apologise for snapping

OP posts:
Thefingerofblame · 18/04/2026 00:06

Veraverrto · 17/04/2026 23:44

Surely you're not serious?

A child driving a car without a licence for a joyride is one mistake, no harm done? Oh it's ok darling, we understand you did it because you felt lonely....

Unbelievable.

Edited
Show quote history

He’s at a special school, so allowances should be made. At least the first time.