AIBU to worry we were rude meeting up without Mum A?

[Billynomatesonhere]

I’m part of a fairly new circle of mum friends - we met through our children’s hobby.

Mum A has been the organiser of several meet ups and recently put a message in the chat suggesting a playdate at her house on X date. I read the message then it totally slipped my mind and I didn’t reply - neither did any one else on the chat.

The day before the date Mum A suggested, Mum B replied apologising for not replying sooner but asked if the offer still stood as she was free and would love to meet. Mum A messaged back to say she had other plans now.

However the message prompted everyone else to reply & as everyone else was free, we did end up meeting up but without Mum A. I did feel a bit guilty about it at the time tbh and one of the other mums also said she felt the same way .

Anyway that day we all got our diaries out and found a date for the next meet up and messaged Mum A about it but she replied she was busy that day. So now I’m overthinking it a bit and wondering if we have upset her by meeting up on the date she suggested ?

This has got very long winded, but basically I’m asking if we were rude to go ahead without her ?

You were all rude to not reply in the first place.

You all messed up big time. Ask her when she is free for a meet up and make sure everyone turns up.

I know. Who on earth "forgets" to do that? Plus - the entire group forgot, but were all free?

I do feel for Mum A.

If she didn’t think that you were all meeting up deliberately because she wasn’t free, she would at least think that she wasn’t enough of a “draw” for people to commit to meeting, and then you all only committed when friend B said she was free.

I sort of see how that could have happened as a misunderstanding though, with everyone being busy.

What I think is the worst bit, is that you then all “got your diaries out” on the meet up that Mum A couldn’t make, and agreed another meet on a mutually convenient day, but without consulting her. Everyone else had their dates taken into account, but she was not consulted or asked when she could make it, only presented with a fair accompli and “would you like to join” when the date was fixed. When she said she couldn’t make it, it sounds like no one said, oh well let’s refix for another time as you missed the last one.

I think the group needs to make a concerted effort to include Mum A and work around when she is free, to make her feel included again. Possibly started with one person reaching out on behalf of all to reassure her.

I mean it could just be that she’s very busy and that’s why she wanted to pin down the initial date well in advance. But she could well be offended, and reasonably so.

Yeah if I was mum A I'd be quite upset and feeling like none of you like me.

This is really mean. I think you should rearrange the next meet up for a date she can do. Be 100% honest about this meet up and tell her you realise how it comes across but it really wasn’t intended.

Your behaviour was totally shitty.

To answer the OP's specific question; yes, you were rude to go ahead without her.
You were even more rude to ignore her initial invitation. It has never 'slipped my mind ' to forget to reply to an invitation.
And you were very unkind to set a date for a future get-together without making absolutely sure she could come.
Smacks of playground behaviour.

I feel so bad for mum A ☹️ I would be hurt and also really embarrassed. It would put me off the lot of you.

Yeah, that was a dick move.

Im sure it can be mended. Just send her a big apology in the group, so that it’s out there, and tell her how awful you felt afterwards. Hopefully you can all move on. None of us are perfect friends.

Trouble is, it reads like really intended.

Ok so you don't actually know if she's upset, genuinely busy or both.

I'd drop her a message - hey this may be me overthinking but I wanted to apologise for not replying to your invitation initially, it just slipped my mind. I was worried it looked rude when the rest of us did end up meeting - a couple of the others felt the same. You're great for organising the get togethers and I know I'm not the only one who appreciates it. See you soon I hope.

I would walk away from the lot of you if I was A.

Ignoring her invite was one thing, but then meeting up on her suggested date you'd all ignored was bitchness in the extreme.

This could look to mum A as if those of you who replied after she said she couldn't go did so because they don't want her there. If I was you I'd leave the next one and ask mum A to let you all know when she is available. I wouldn't want her feeling ad if she was being pushed out.

it was pretty bad, yes. Make sure you arrange the next one for a time she can come. I think you can make her feel better.

I would be upset if I was mum A it would feel like you didn’t want to come to mine/ meet with me but were happy to meet up.

Great suggestion.
I really think unless this was a pattern if I was mum A, I would assume no malice as everyone has busy lives.
Securing a date she can make will go a long way towards letting her know there was no mean intention behind it.
Being more careful in the future to ensure it doesn't become a pattern is another thing you can all do.

Has mean girl not responded to any of the replies to her post?