AIBU to worry we were rude meeting up without Mum A?

[Billynomatesonhere]

I’m part of a fairly new circle of mum friends - we met through our children’s hobby.

Mum A has been the organiser of several meet ups and recently put a message in the chat suggesting a playdate at her house on X date. I read the message then it totally slipped my mind and I didn’t reply - neither did any one else on the chat.

The day before the date Mum A suggested, Mum B replied apologising for not replying sooner but asked if the offer still stood as she was free and would love to meet. Mum A messaged back to say she had other plans now.

However the message prompted everyone else to reply & as everyone else was free, we did end up meeting up but without Mum A. I did feel a bit guilty about it at the time tbh and one of the other mums also said she felt the same way .

Anyway that day we all got our diaries out and found a date for the next meet up and messaged Mum A about it but she replied she was busy that day. So now I’m overthinking it a bit and wondering if we have upset her by meeting up on the date she suggested ?

This has got very long winded, but basically I’m asking if we were rude to go ahead without her ?

Yes from her perspective everyone ignored her invitation and then promptly met without her and arranged another meet up. .
shes probably a bit miffed if you like this women I’d apologise directly and say you hope to see her soon

It's good if you all feel guilty or worried because it's deserved for shitty behaviour by the group.

You need to rearrange the date of the next meet up and ensure it is a date she can do. Nothing else will fix this. How awful for her.

Yeah, nasty behaviour.

Yes, I was planning to say this. If you have another meet up organised at the first one that she can’t make it will be much worse.

That’s bloody awful, you missing secondary school mean girl behaviour or something? Please apologise she’s going to feel so hurt.

Yes, how did all of you conveniently forget?

What a horrible thing to do to Mum A. I hope she tells the lot of you to fuck off and that she finds new, decent friends, not a lot of insensitive bitches.

Me too. Poor woman.

Yes, all behaved rudely in that situation. I’d have felt too uncomfortable/embarrassed to go ahead under the circs.

You sound dreadful.
I am so glad such things.did not go on when mine was at school

This is a bit much. Yeah it was rude, definitely a faux pas from the group but it wasn’t done intentionally or with malice. I do think the right thing to do would be acknowledge how it was a bit shitty and make extra effort to organise something else that she can join in with. Otherwise the bad feeling will likely continue.

Start by apologising to her and asking HER for her available dates first before arranging another. You should have checked in with her before arranging yet another that she couldn't make.

That was bad.

Ask her when she can do and change to that date.

This, this, this.

I would message Mum A along the lines of “I’m so sorry I didn’t get back about coming to yours before, it was really flakey of me ! You were missed on X date. Do you fancy doing X/coming over ..” or similar

I voted YANBU because I think you’re right to worry. It was very rude of you all. I think someone needs to grasp the nettle and speak very plainly to her to apologise and draw her back in.

If you like her, and want to salvage this, message her separately, apologise, and suggest a one to one meet up, so she feels a bit more valued.

If I was mum A I’d struggle to not take the lack of response to me but quick response to another mum and discovery that everyone was in fact free as an insult, as if everyone was avoiding responding til someone else confirmed attendance because I’m the one no one wants to risk being stuck alone with if no one else can make it or something.

Which may of course not be the case, but it’s easy to see why one would come to that conclusion. If she says she can’t make the next one that has been suggested, then I’d make a conscious effort to send a message to the chat like “shall we get a second date in the diary too when mum A is free?” to try give her some assurance if she needs it that you want to see her.

Even if I give everyone the benefit of doubt with "forgetting to reply" and meeting on that day without Mum A.... I think it is incredibly awful for you all set a new date together without checking with Mum A. How rude is that !!

Did none of those other mums (including you) said, we must make sure the next meet up includes Mum A... You even mentioned to another mum you felt bad about it, but clearly not bad enough to speak up ....

Poor Mum A .... She must be so sad to be treated like this ....

I would hazard a guess she has felt upset and is offended. And what makes it worse is that it will seem to be all of you doing the same.
That you all feel guilty suggests you know this will be so. And it looks as though others in the group were waiting for you or perhaps another to lead. If you go, or another they will all pile in. If you didn’t reply, they didn’t.

You were very rude and SO unkind

I would have a chat with her and face it head on if you all value her friendship, she probably is a bit hurt no one responded but if you all want to keep her in your circle she would be cutting off her nose to spite her face if she didnt accept an invitation to meet up and give you all a chance to explain.

I don't think you are over thinking. I think you have upset her, and it was really unkind of you all.

Yes you were rude. And you can’t all meet up on a day A can’t make for the next one re-pick a day including her in the organising.

You ignored her messages and set up your own meet.

Shit behaviour.