AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

I have many half siblings, on both sides. It wasn’t equal, and of them all, me and my sibling had the least. I don’t resent them or blame them, it’s an immature mindset to carry all the way into adulthood.

OP, with the age gap of the kids, his son must have been a baby when you got together and still very tiny when it became a serious relationship/ got married. You must have realised that this might come with some financial obligations. What if his mum died/ gave up custody/ was unable to care for him so he was with you all the time? Would he still be treated as your husband’s son and nothing more?

If mum can’t afford to pay and they still want the kid to go to private school then dad will have to pay. If that means your kids can’t then afford to go or you don’t want to pay for it all yourself that’s kind of tough shit. Tbh I’d just send them all state but then I don’t understand the fetishisation of private school on this website.

Who's idea was private education anyway?

Quite!

Tbh, I see little advantage in private primary, with the possible exception of kids who live in an LEA where there are still grammar schools, and it can be an advantage at 11+ (or whatever it's called these days). Even then, it might be cheaper and just as good to get private tutoring in the last couple of years of primary.

I also think there's little point in private primary unless you can afford private secondary, too, which seems unlikely in OP's case. That's where there's a bigger difference between private and state imo.

I mean - its a hard one OP - i have no sc so i cant really advise on that, but i have 2 who go to private school so i know how insanely expensive it is. On the one hand - if you can afford the fees, great, good for you and the kids, BUT, the child is only 7 years old, he didnt ask his father to end up with someone else and then go onto have 2 more kids that are, by the sounds of it, more privileged than him because their mother did well for herself. Imagine the massive chip on his shoulder when he is older - it starts now. I know of people who only sent the older two to private and not the youngest - the younger one doesnt speak to the older two now because of the inequality. I think, as an adult - and you sound like youve done well in life so must be sensible - do the right thing by this child and either send all to private, or none. Hes only young. DH has to be able to provide for ALL his kids, or NONE of his kids, that, is fair.

If he can only just afford to pay for half the fees for all 3 children now then I’d say you can’t really afford to send any of the children to private school.

Did you discuss your education preferences before you had your 2 children? Or has this come about only recently? I think it's important to have these discussions before you have children so no-one feels blind sided, moreso when there are already children from a previous relationship.

How much time does your step son spend in your house. Is it 50/50 or weekends only?

I grew up in a blended family and all children were treated equally. If there wasn't enough money for everyone to do something noone did. In contrast my DH went to private school and his sister did not. The resentment is still bubbling away 30 years later.

Agree -
OP’s dismissing her step son / half sibling to the other kids -
the issue of disparity of education will exponentially grow as the years roll on ..

OP can afford to pay for the shared kids education -
the morally right thing to do is for OP’s husband to pay what he can, all 3 kids to have equality of education and the step son not be penalised for the lower income of the child’s mother ….

i wonder what the back story is to the husband and the ex’s finances …. Wonder if OP is benefiting from her husband’s financial security that was grown from the ex’s sacrifices from having their child ?? Supporting his career development???
I would not be surprised!!

I don’t treat them differentially, household expenses such as clothes, food etc. are budgeted according to age. As he is the oldest, he gets the most.

But I’m not a person with parental responsibility, large lifetime investments like savings and private schooling are for the biological parents. Should I divorce, and I lose all access to the child, what will you say then?

Nobody acknowledges that I have nieces and nephews whom are around the same age, love as my own as I had a hand in raising them for a while. But just like DH’s son, I don’t pay for their schooling, because I can’t afford to pay for everyone.

DSS's education should not fall on you.

Interesting that in a similar post where the grandmother was paying for extras and excluded the step child, the majority supported the grandmother and felt it was fair that the step child was excluded from activities.

This. He's their half brother and they're close in age. If you can't afford it for all 3, then state school it is.

It’s the most confounding thing about all these
‘what to do about the inconvenience of my step child’ posts - the step child was there before they started having more kids. What exactly did they foresee happening exactly? That the step child would miraculously disappear at some point?

If you can’t be bothered with having a step child, why marry and procreate with someone who already has children? It’s so bizarre.

Take a guess

😂😂😂

Nephews and nieces are not the same as step children - you are creating a smoke screen to support your own narrative-

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother

She needs to step up and provide for her child.

Your nieces and nephews are not your step children. This little boy is. He is your children's half brother. You are a family, so the children, who are very close in age, should be treated the same.

She refuses (to wait until he's at secondary) and wants him to go now'.

that's understandable.

In that case she's going to have to find her 50% of the cost from somewhere isn't she?

she can't demand you spend YOUR money educating her child. Don't even
pay the 10%, that's coming directly out of YOUR kids money.

if she can't afford it - he doesn't go. it's not complicated. DadDHEx is able & willing to pay 50% for each of his children. That's fair.

She cannot spend YOUR money for you. Whatever it's for.

its none of her business how your children's education is being paid for or how you & DH spend your joint income. THEY are no longer married, as long as he's pays a fair/good amount to her for their upbringing, she can't demand she has what you have. Irrespective of what you earn, but especially when it's your income that provides the extras.

Tell the grabby/stupid woman YOU will be paying for YOUR children to go, if she wants her child to go, she needs to find the money or accept he can't.

@CherriBerri you have been more than fair in offering to pay 10% towards dss.

If his mother cannot afford private school then he doesn't go.

Equal and fair are not always the same thing.

Dss dad can afford to pay an equal contribution to all 3 of HIS kids. @CherriBerri can afford an equal contribution to all of her 2 kids.

This is an issue for DH and his ex to resolve.

The more you post, the worse it gets! So transactional and meanspirited towards a 7 year old.

You sound like you can afford it. Just bloody pay for it and revel in what a lovely kind step mum you'd be treating your stepchild as your own.

It's awful, isn't it? That poor little boy.

Honestly I wouldn’t bother with private anyway, especially as you yourself have proved you can become a high earner without that advantage!

If you insist on private can mum contribute anything?

eg:

If fees per child were £20k, to pay 1/2 for each of your biological kids would cost you £20k.

Cost for 3 kids = £60k, you and DH pay £25k each and mum pays £10k? Or you and DH pay £27.5k, she pays £5k but contributes to all additional costs like uniforms and extra curriculars? Maintains harmony in your home and avoids unfairness between your kids (who are all 1/2 siblings).

It already sounds like DH is contributing more to the household pot anyway, if you don’t want to pay anything for your SC he only pays 50% towards the household and the rest can go towards his child’s school fees.

Your nieces and nephews are irrelevant, because they're not your children in your house!

I hope someone shows your DH this thread.

Should I divorce

Yeah, you probably should.

You sound truly awful OP.