AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

This type of rubbish always comes up on SP threads. Its non comparable. The OP children are not a part of the ex s family unit.

The SC is how ever a part of the SPs and their home is raising all of the children in it as a blended family.

Does the OP send her kids to the ex s? Because she happens to send her son to the OPs house for access?

I mean you clearly just don't want to. Your husband needs to decide if he is the sort of father happy to see two children at private and one not. I imagine this would have an incredibly negative effect on their relationship. Your dh is just trying to be a good father and I imagine that those qualities are partly why you married him and chose to have children with him. In the end, nothing else matters here except the child. You have the money between you, you just don't want to share.

I don’t know, it’s not something that me nor my husband have the right to ask, to be honest.

We only know how often she works because she has shared that information during their discussions regarding custodial arrangements, etc.

Yes, that's what matters and would be a great example for them all too.

Haven't read the whole thread, but some private schools offer big discounts for second and even more so for third children. That could solve this problem.

Then they should first decide if whether they want to have this person, that they’re expecting to pay for their child, to be allowed to raise said child as a third parent.

Before marrying and having kids, they both agreed that I wouldn’t have the role as active parent to their son. I was informed, I agreed.

Wow. Aren't you a peach.

But what someone can "afford" is contingent on how much they earn, including how many hours they choose to work, and what else they choose to spend money on. If DH's ex was working 40 hours a week and had to scrimp and save to pay rent/mortgage and could only just get by, it would be different. But she works part-time and lives with her parents.

So, let me get this right….
Husband’s ex wants you to make up the difference for her child to attend private school but is not prepared to go into full time employment herself to be able to contribute a share of the fees?
Is this correct?

This issue seems to me to be the root of the problem.

Well he married you so he sort of did. It's fine op, you don't want to and have made that clear. The child is the only one who will lose out, though I imagine it may make it tricky for him to have a proper relationship with his siblings.

So one little boy will miss out because out of principle you won’t pay more for your kids?

Big nope from me on this. I can't believe the gaul of the cheeky gits expecting you to pay for him because his own mum can't. He's 7 so surely he is already settled in a school already?

He’ll miss out because his parents can’t afford private school. That’s not OP’s fault or problem to solve.

Do you understand that you don't own your children... they aren't just yours?
Why do you speak about your family so transactionally?

Her employment level wasn’t discussed, because inciting conflict isn’t desirable.

But, she has stated that at present she cannot afford for next September, even if she has to pay 40% instead. She still wants her son to go, and I should help if I can.

Don’t you care about your step son? The half brother of your children? Do you think it’s a good opportunity for him? I think if he can be enabled to go to private school without there being too much impact on your family as a whole then that would be good. From his mums point of view she might feel aggrieved that had her ex husband gone on to only have one more child he could afford to give his existing child a better standard of life. The time to have these thoughts and discussion was probably before you had your second!

It’s not a transactional relationship, but the situation is being spoken of in the simplest most literal sense, so I can maintain clarity.

Why @CherriBerri why have you spent the entire day arguing with mumsnetters about a decision you are immovable on? Was today a day off from work? And this is how you chose to spend the entire day??

I pay fully for mine and didn’t have children that I cannot afford.

But you had children with a man who already had a child. You were fully aware he already had a child. You cannot expect the existence of said child to have no impact on any subsequent children - including financially.

Lolz at them having less money in their savings accounts equating to taking food from their mouths! That's not the same thing at all.

The school fees aren’t nothing, just because it won’t be financially crippling and leave me destitute, that it is a 100% comfortable payement without losses. Why should my children be in an adverse position, while the eldest’s mother maintains no losses for the gain of her own flesh and blood.

I have many half siblings, and I am aware of that each family unit isn’t the same, despite common denominators. That’s why it’s for the children’s common parent to be fair and equal.

They are half siblings not step siblings

Dss mother us a CF thinking your a piggy bank. She wasn't even bothered about private school till she got wind of your two going there

She’s said multiple times that she cares about him. Caring about someone doesn’t mean you feel obliged to be financially responsible for them, however. She explicitly did not sign up for that by virtue of marrying his father.

If the parents want him to have that opportunity they need to be the ones to fund it, not expect OP to play cash cow.

I feel very sorry for his son, stuck between all of you. 😪