AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

It’s partly his father’s though. So if his father declined to contribute to his youngest two’s education, which OP can afford herself if she chooses, he can pay the fees for his eldest.

Its not about the parents it’s about the kids.

To put a child through private education costs upwards of 500k.

Father can pay three lots of 50%, means 750k.

If he pays full set of fees for his first child it means that the other two will be short of 250k. This is the amount which OP is expected to fork out.

So what you are saying is that OP has to pay a quarter of million of British pounds for a child who is not hers, whom she might never see again in case of divorce, whose mother is working part time. The amount which could be a house deposit for her own children.

Hands up who would be willing to pay 250k for a step child? not even for life saving operation, but for private education?

@CherriBerri - your view is completely fair. What are you going to do if DH decides to go ahead with his idea?

But it is transactional... you apportionment nominal or % values across every person living in your house.

You have basically said that you employ your DH and that he wouldn't have the career he has if it weren't for you.

You have ignored plenty of posters who have asked if you even like your DH.

It’s probably not a good idea for you to pay anything at all towards your step-son’s education. He has ten more years of schooling to pay for, and if you and your DH split up during that time, what would happen? Would you be compelled to keep on paying for this child?

No idea why there's so much discussion about what the ex wife can and can't afford. Tbh it's irrelevant she can't afford private school for her child and obviously had no intention of sending him to one. Your dh is father to all 3 children and does not want one to get less opportunities than his other two children. Op seems to keep forgetting her dh has the exact same responsibility to all 3 of his children regardless of who their mother is. Op your dh could say he doesn't want two of kids having a private education and one missing out so he'd prefer none go private. I'm assuming both parents need to consent to the school so you're a bit stuck if he takes this stance. So I think you and your dh fund all 3 siblings or none at all. Why isolate the 7 year old even more than he probably already is?

People will it’s none of my business (it isn’t)
some will say it’s irrelevant ( I think it is)

did you have an affair with him? Did he leave her for you? Have you broken up the marriage/relationship? Or is there time between the relationships and you’re nothing to do with it?

I ask because I do think it’s relevant…does the ex think you owe her? Does she think you’ve torn her world apart and that actually you could doing better here?? You could be making amends here in her eyes

I ask because it happened to someone I knew. She was happily married with a baby and the husband had an affair. He went on to have two more kids. But the person I knew was hell bent on her child being the first child and that her child came before anyone being the first and that the ex owed her and the child everything because essentially he made her a single mum which is absolutely never wanted, she had to sell her home etc?

I also wondered as you’ve made it clear several times that you’re not thought of as a third parent/made to be an essential part of the boys life

im honestly not asking you to be nasty 🫶

You shouldn't have to pay for her son to attend private school whilst she contributes nothing. But surely your husband is ultimately going to say, I can't afford to pay half for all three to attend private school, therefore I won't pay to facilitate any of them going?

That way, if OP is desperate for her kids to attend private school, she has to pay 100% and it's nothing to do with the stepson's mother.

Where is the love here? Kindness? Openness to want the best for all concerned? This is the man you love’s child. Your husband came as a package. This shouldn’t be about money. So sad.
show your husband how much you love him and support him in this.

Thank you, for understanding why I find this so unfair, and for clearly articulating what I have failed to do so. He has said that he will pay for mine, and save the share for the eldest, this was always the plan + alternative arrangements if the mother couldn’t afford her share.

I’m posting because this is being brought up every time the mother complains; it’s constant. It’s as though I’m being intermittently encouraged and pushed into an unfair, large financial commitment beyond what I already offer. I don’t think it’s right, and I wanted to hear other perspectives.

I know I’m not really saying anything new here. But the key point is that the three children are siblings. I know that you feel legally, morally and emotionally obligated to your own two children. That’s natural. But the fact is - they have a brother. They are each one of 3. You don’t feel the same emotional obligation towards their brother because he isn’t yours. But he is your children’s sibling, and you chose that for them - not in the traditional way, but you chose to have two children when you knew your husband already had one, which is the same as deciding to conceive a third one yourself. Having three children is more expensive than having two, and it often means a different lifestyle. Everyone knows that and most people factor it into their family planning.

And siblings don’t need to be treated identically, but they should be treated equally. Sending two to private school and one not is not treating them equally.

You didn’t read my posts, in full. I’m not acknowledging you anymore.

I'm clearly in the minority. No way would I spend £100,000 on a step child so that he could go to private school.

As OP has rightly pointed out, if she and her DH ever split up, she'd never see DSS again. And for that £100,000 she wouldn't even get to go to parents evening or any school events.

His mum can't call the shots when she's not paying. And she certainly can't dictate that OP spends her money on her (mum's) son.

I voted Yanbu meaning that you cannot be expected to foot the bill for your ss, his mum and dad must do that
But you should really have a look at the "two halves" thread currently in AIBU and rethink your strategy
Can your partner make it work by funding only middle school for all of them?

This is ever so hard.

My partner went to Boarding school luckily I think with a bursary and his sister state. His mum had not considered for his sister and I do feel his sisters carried a chip on her shoulder for all the years as she was not given the option/ opportunity. It’s very hard.

He also knows no different to his schooling and I’m not convinced truly understands yaht she may feel annoyed.

I agree you shouldn’t have to fund your step son and your offer of 10% I think is generous. But what a disparity it may cause between your children’s experience. That said if your husbands son is happy at his school and involved in activities why rock a boat. Your own children are younger and only coming of age for these decisions to be made.

I think to save an element of what your husband would have spent on his education for the possibility of a future entry point or whether this is considered something he will inherit or being given access to for the right reasons at a later stage is a fair compromise. Good luck.

Just don’t do it op.

Lay your cards out to your husband your final offer is Xpercent. If he himself or her cannot find the rest that is between the but you don’t wish to be asked any further. It was made clear you are not a third parent and as such don’t need to be party to their discussions over their child.

I certainly wouldn’t want to pay £250k for a stepchild to attend private school. I don’t think OP is unreasonable on that. However, I would accept that my children couldn’t go to private school because of my reproductive choices, rather than trying to engineer a situation where two out of three siblings go.

I pity the eldest child having you as a step-mother.

This!

I have read every single one of yours (and everyone else's) posts.. in full.

You are the one choosing not to respond to serious questions because you are too focused on the money aspect of your transactional family.

As always, your DH would be best to leave so he can have a bit of autonomy.

See I wouldn’t.

Id leave and still send mine private. Fuck hampering my children’s futures for someone else’s.

Then still nothing changes two children go private and one doesn’t. Just two lots of different visitation and cms for daddy.

@Tableforjoani too would leave rather than deny my kids a good education. And I would not pay that crazy amount for someone else’s child.

What if you started saving for uni or house deposits. Is ex wife going to be screaming what about my child. Stick to your guns your children are your priority

No, it’s not the case they were together for a year, and were separated when I met them.

They, through my husband, have made it clear to me that he has two parents. The mother has asked me to not attend drop off, school events, etc. There’s no personal hostility, but it’s always been so - there are boundaries and I maintain them. I don’t ask about their past.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all

@CherriBerri I think those who believe you are unreasonable belong to one of three groups:

• those who believe they are entitled to other people's money, so put themselves into EXs shoes
• those who treat kids equally because it assumes £130 shoes and can't comprehend amounts involved
• those who consider 250k to be a loose change

I'm frustrated for you. You offered plenty of options. I guess you can draw the line and threaten him with divorce if he doesn't stop. And ask if his career will flourish as well without you. But I'd also speak with solicitor, you might be very vulnerable financially.