AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

One way to deal with this is for the dad to put his money into an education fund for each kid and then the money is spent in the best way possible. For your kids, it’s school fees with your equal contribution. For his first child, he puts the money into educational courses/lessons such as swimming, judo, a laptop, tutoring etc. If the ex can’t afford her share of school fees, the first child still has their education invested in.

I think the point is probably a slightly different one: most pp criticising probably wouldn't have got in that position. That is really the point: these things need to be thought through before you start a family. DH and I made sure we were broadly on the same page with issues such as education expectations before we had any. And that's without existing children already on the scene.

There are too many threads where people rush to procreate then bemoan the practicalities and responsibilities that children impose on life - and they do.

That's the thing, the children didn't choose this situation, so why should any of them be marginalised because of the adults?

None of this matters though. Put this aside and just think of the child. One child out of three cannot be left out of something as significant as schooling. Your dh simply cannot do that.

If the DSS mum can't afford her half then she needs to apply for bursary or he don't get to go as she can't afford it.

What if OPs DH had 3 other children with the ex. Does that mean even though OP could afford her half for her children, that they don't get to go because she would have to pay up for all 5.

All the people saying OP should pay, do you really pay £10k for each of your step children? No matter if you call it all family funds, it is still her salary being stretched that means her bio children would be at a disadvantage if it was to be reduced to go to another household. For child maintenance calculations only the bio parent's income is taken into account. The ex is wanting equality without actually having to work for it herself. OPs children has 2 parents high earning, she can't expect the same if she isn't doing the same as OP. I personally don't give a shit about private education, but OP does and ex can't just demand a higher share per child of the fathers income to try and keep up

Relevance?

This.

So she pays either no rent or bills or only a part share. So her income should actually be going further. She’s choosing to also only work part time hours. Then demanding expensive schooling for free.

If he hasn't got the money then he hasn't. I think you are being unfair. All children should be treated the same as regards private school. If the man was the highest earner here he'd be torn to shreds.

Sorry, to clarify, what wouldn’t change is that the son wouldn’t start school now. It’s not to speak of the equal contributions that your solution presents.

Your perspective is skewed OP - it's not about how unfair it is or isn't on you. It's about how unfair it is on the children - they're the innocent parties who've had no say in the situation. Treat all 3 equitably which means private education for all or for none.

What have her bills got to do with the OPs DH asking the OP to help him pay toward the SS fees?

Also, the OPs DH also earns way less than OP and obviously only pays part share of the household costs (albeit more then the OP).

Again, it's not relevant.

Doesn’t mean she’d get one.

It’s relevant because they are asking op to pay.

So yes the mother’s finances should come under scrutiny. Why can’t she afford to pay and what she could do to help pay should’ve been the first port of call.

Not oh well op can stump up 50%.

I think it’s unfair that the mother expects you to pay, I’m presuming she knows it’s you that would be paying? If she can’t afford 50% then that’s on her really, CMS would be high she could include that but by the sounds she won’t want too. She’s happy with the child’s schooling currently but is now insisting on private after discovering your shared children are going. She wants her child to attend different school to your own. I think she’s being unreasonable to be honest, private obviously wasn’t that important to begin with it’s only now she’s bitter and jealous she wants the same. I’d stick firm with your points they seem fair and reasonable & stick with your decision , I think DH paying 50% for all 3 is fair I certainly don’t think you should be paying. Could he & the mother save so the child could start at secondary? I know you’ve said she wants child to start now but I think that’s completely unrealistic.

I also agree with this. There needs to be SOME kind of onus on the mother to contribute if she wants her son to go private. It can’t just be a freebie on the back of his stepmum’s hard work. She should be making a contribution significant enough to help with the cost and show willing by sacrificing some of her own lifestyle. I think 20-30% at least.

@CherriBerri when you made a decision to have a relationship and children with a man who already had a child, then that was the point that you signed up to all kids being treated equally.

He may not be biologically yours, but he is biologically your DHs who you made that commitment to.

So you and your DH should fund ALL children at private school (with your DSSs mother contributing something - demanding she pays half if she can't afford isnt fair) or the kids all go to a state school and spend the money on nice holidays together instead.

I treat them like my equally, but I’m not responsible for the same things as a biological/adoptive parent. At home, for day to day life, they are provided to according to their age and needs. That’s why the oldest gets more financially, for example.

However, for my children I am obligated, biologically and legally, to assume full responsibility of their upbringing and therefore make meaningful decisions for their lives. And because I decide where they go to school, live, their GP/dentist etc, it’s my responsibility to enact said decisions.

For the eldest, I have no say in any meaningful decision because I am not 1/2 parents. So if I have no say/responsibility, because I’m not the biological parent, why do you expect me to pay for said decisions? It would be different is was seen as third parent, but I am not, and it has not been afforded to me.

Does that work in both directions then and if the mother got her son an xbox, she also needs to buy one for his half siblings?

I’m not sure why your DH is over sharing with his XW. If he hadn’t done this, he could’ve saved the money for his son behind the scenes and you wouldn’t have someone who was perfectly happy with her DS’ state school telling you that you need to fund her child’s private education.

Marrying a man with children is always a bad idea which leads to conflict. Just wait until it’s time for driving lessons, cars, and university fees.

Tell your DH to stop telling his XW about what you’ve got going on in your marriage.

No, she didn’t. Marrying her husband doesn’t mean she gained any sort of responsibility for his child. You may like to believe a stepparent should have to accept that, but the fact of the matter is that they do not.

Your example doesn't have a comparative potential negative out come per child considered.

Your children are already on a statistical basis at higher chance of having less of adverse childhood experience than your SC. Adding in the difference of private v state school that puts childhood experiences even more heavily weighed in your children's benefit.

The fact he didnt think his ex would have a problem with this, and he initially didnt is even more of a red flag than your posts. It shows that neither of you are particularly concerned about the negative impacts that being part of blended families comes with or the emotional impact for each of your children you have brought into this unit.

Im the higher earner by far. In your DH position this would be a red line issue for me. Either they all go or none of them do. This is not the younger ones getting a day trip while the SC is with the other parent.

And if them going is a non negotiable for you it would be divorce for me in his shoes. I would under no circumstances raise my children in the same family unit and home with such different opportunities and experiences. And there is no one way if I had the funds would I expect my DH to pay half on a "principle" basis that would result in such a fundamental divide.

Why does the ex only work part time ?

I think its fine for dss to go state his parents cant afford private. I expect very few step siblings go to exactly the same schools.

However 1 thing is dss is going to be a huge influence on your kids and that becomes more when he goes to secondary.
Our secondary is pretty frankly - crap- for several reasons but also behaviour is awful too. And i expect many come home and then influence their younger siblings.
Dss will still likely pass gcses etc so save the money for tutors.

You are supposed to be a family and should be pooling your resources together.

And you can’t private educate 2 out of 3 children. They all go or none do.

Do what is best for the kids.