AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

While I fully agree it would feel a bit rubbish for the stepson to not attend same school as their siblings, it would potentially be worse if OP and her now husband seperate, and he then had to be pulled out as DH and child's mum cannot afford it between them?

OP, if your husbands response is 'all go or none go' what would you do?

When you say 'what he doesn't give in custody he makes up for in cms' - does he not have his son 50/50? If he is an 'every other weekend' kind of Dad, I'm guessing some guilt may be playing into him pressuring you to stump up fees

I do agree with this.

I think that your DSS should stay at the school
he is at now until he finishes primary, then your DH should pay for him to attend a private secondary school. You could do the same for your DC, we have a local private school and it’s common for children to attend the local primary and then go private at secondary level.

I think that all three children should all get the same education, if you can afford to pay all the fees for your DC then I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your DH to pay all the fees for his DS. If your DH cannot afford to go halves, can he afford to make a lower contribution?

My DSD went to a private secondary school, DP paid all the fees because he could afford it and her DM couldn’t. DSD had a great education and now has a great career, that is all that matters.

Bravo 😂😂 this has been making my teeth itch!!

Lawd knows how the op has managed to secure a high enough paying job to support private education when she is clearly barely educated herself.... 🤦🏼‍♀️

That's quite a good solution

from your dh’s pov id want all my children to have the same educational opportunities. Is the other mum insisting on private and wants you as a household pay the full fees or is she indifferent?

your dh is in a very difficult situation if he can’t find the equivalent for 2 full set of school fees. If you’re insistent on your two attending then you pay for them. Sounds like you can afford it.

Mine too!

It's more complicated when it becomes a blended family with his ex wife also involved. Saying just pool it when it means OP will be paying the bulk is easier said than done.

Sorry? How is he obligated to send his eldest to a private school exactly?

he's not withdrawing funding he's previously paid?

DH can’t afford to send his three children. He should therefore split what he can afford in three, and each set of parents should decide whether it is topped up by the other parent, invested or saved.

DH shouldn’t be treating his kids differently. OP shouldn’t be paying for SS.

You married your husband knowing he has a son with ongoing responsibilities towards him. The child is your step son and needs to feel as comfortable in your home as he does in his mothers. He will know if he is being discriminated against or seen as second best. If it was me and I could afford it I would pay for one and a half children with my husband doing the rest.

What a spiteful comment.

Send them to state school and use the money for tutors and extracurriculars for all three. I imagine SC would be very sad if he was excluded on the basis that he has a different mum.

I wouldn’t. I’d rather get a divorce than go with OP’s DH and his ex’s proposal.

I think people are being quite unfair.

I see both sides of the story.

If the younger Children were having private school paid for by their Maternal grandparents, would it still be unfair if the OP/ DH couldn't afford to pay more than half? Should the younger children not go, because their siblings mother could not afford the other half?

What about it the roles were reversed.

Split household finances always sends mumsnetters crazy! People can have split finances and be in a functioning relationship. It may be strange to some, but if it works for you then great.

If I were to have a second marriage, I would definitely be keeping personal income, to protect my children. That's no different to what you are doing. If you pay out for private school, and then spilt with your husband, this would be to thr detriment of your children.

You can't do anything about mum now being able to afford it. If you

I think OP you should consider using the half your DP can pay towards private tutors, and your stepchild may also have the option of a grammar school (if you have them near you) which yhr Private Tutoring would help with.

I actually really like this as a compromise. Each child gets the actual equivalent value.

For two the value is through school funding. For one the value is in a nice lump sum (potentially for a house deposit) when he is an appropriate age.

That way every child can he shown the cash benefit. Although as adults the other two may resent that they don’t have a deposit handed to them.

Personally I would prefer the cash to the schooling!

You can now see what your husband had in common with his Ex.
They are both complete cheeky fxxkers.

It would give me the total ick.
She works part-time, lives with her parents and expects her Ex's new wife to pay for her childs education.

Absolute cheeky fxxker.
That your husband agrees, when you already contribute to his child's cost, tells you they are well matched.

But still they want more.
Rethink this arrangement.
You are a workhorse and an ATM to his Ex, as new partners always are.

Men ALWAYS find a kind, highly solvent woman to move on with.

Beware OP.

Going forward you should insist he fund his child separately so that you can make provision for your children.
Don't be used any further, now you know how he really thinks.

I imagine you might well feel quite differently if his ex wasn’t so clearly a habitually lazy and entitled individual.

I guess it depends on your interpretation of 'providing equally'. Actively disadvantaging one of his children isn't equal, by any measure.

OP clearly is educated if she’s gone from a council house to affording private school. Why are you trying to derail the thread by being an ineffectual grammar policewoman?

Treat all 3 the same - they all go, ot none do. Else you're setting the whole family up for a lifetime of resentment. Maybe save up as a three for secondary for all 3 DC only, not primary/prep.

Don’t let your stepson miss out; it’s not fair.

This.

OP can afford private school because she’s a grafter who works hard. SS’ mum… Not so much.

It's not about the mums and which one is super and which one isn't. It's about the children.

I think your husband is right . Surely it’s about giving all children equal opportunity