AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

This is a very difficult one. Having thought about it, I think it is fair that he provides equally for his 3 children - so 50% of each child. He can’t afford 100% of each child so no child gets 100%. Given that means no private school for nr 1 as mum can’t afford 50%, it should be put into savings for him for use at another point in his life. Any complaints from mum should be met with ‘I AM treating my children equally, 50% school fees sum to each, I can’t afford 100% for 3 so I won’t pay it for 1’

I wonder if you (“you” as in the family) really can afford private school for the children anyway. Your husband can afford to pay for half of all three children (that is, 1.5 x fees) but cannot afford to pay for the other half of his son (that is, 2 x fees). There isn’t a massive difference between 1.5 and 2, so it sounds like your husband can only just afford it. Not sure if you’ve really considered things like future fee increases, if your financial situation changed, etc. You aren’t painting a picture of someone very well off who can easily afford private school.

But their father isn't treating his 3 children differently. He has offered 50% of the fees for them all equally.

LOVE THIS!

I think a school is unlikely to offer a bursary in this scenario.

So if her and her husband divorce - what happens then?is she supposed to pay forever? Leave 1/3 of her estate to him in her will?

She has a heavily subsidised lifestyle and is only working part-time. She's choosing not to have the funds.

Even if she worked full time she might be miles off being able to afford it.

Which I have already (privately) agreed to share with DH already. That’s why I’m disappointed in him, it’s unfair.

Yanbu, and you’re smart to keep your money separate. You don’t have to subsidise DSC.

I think this whole situation is a bit icky. But what is the financial situation for all 3 of you? If you and your husband contribute proportionally to income what does that look like? I’m sure you aren’t making the exact same salary so maybe none of this should be split in half anyway. What happens if you pool your income and expenses?

I agree with most here that you are sounding like a really difficult stepparent. And no one sounds like they’re putting the kids first. Where does your stepson live and how much time do you spend with him? If it’s 50\50 it will be easier to have them all at the same school anyway.

Personally I wouldn’t pay for private for anyone unless there’s a huge drip feed coming about additional needs as it doesn’t sound like you can actually afford this as a family. I’d wait for high school and assess then.

I think this a reasonable outcome. The stepson will have a wonderful pot of cash by the end of his schooldays.

OP has no financial or moral responsibility for the stepson.

she said she doesn’t want to fund his child, this way she is only funding her own but they will all get to go to private school.

They aren’t a family with shared money. Plenty of families don’t pool finances, and they don’t have to. The three children aren’t the same, and don’t have to be treated as if they are.

That she married a man that already had a child does not make that child OP’s responsibility. He already has two parents, neither of which is OP.

I don’t know, I wasn’t aware of any particular plans when I had asked, before we had children.

Even if there were, as a step-parent I don’t have a say, unless they impact my own children.

Of course he can.

I agree that the equivalent money for 50% of school fees should be set aside (in an account) each term for the child’s use at a later date.

There are different ways of providing for your DCs. There's the maximising their financial route, but there's also maximising their happiness and access to family relationships that work in the future route.
Surely you don't want them, say in 20 years, to have a sibling smouldering with hurt or resentment, because through no fault of their own they had unequal educational opportunities.

Your husband's ex is being completely unreasonable. Why would you use your money for his son? I agree with a pp that your husband should save the money for his sons future. He should stay at his current school.

Which was a massive drip feed.

And is it true? How does the OP know?

The DH seems to be sharing a lot of information to each of these women about each of them.

Sure, it works both ways; my point was that there’s bigger potential over this - likely divorce - rather than foot stamping about what is and isn’t fair and who is responsible for what.

She lives with her parents and only works part time?! She needs to work more then, if private school is such a priority for her.

Let me get this straight: you are expected to work full time and your husband is expected to wotk full time for your step son’s education. As well as 2 other children. But she does part time?! Zero chance of me agreeing to that in your shoes. Is she always so entitled?!

It's their brother isn't it?

Maybe they all wait to secondary and your DH saves.

It depends very much how good or bad the state primary is and whether we are talking a midling private provision. Is it actually better provision or a status move?

You can see my comment history, I have suggested all these alternatives already.

The issue is that the mother refusing alternatives, because she wants him to go now. In turn my husband is trying to encourage me to pay, because the mother is complaining that it’s unfair that I won’t help pay, despite the large assistance she already receives from us.

I’m displeased with my husbands reaction, even though this was not shared with her, it’s the principle behind it. As father of all three kids, he should give equally - what he doesn’t give in custody he pays as CMS, that’s fair. What’s not fair is expecting partners to excessively contribute for children that they don’t have a meaningful say in.

This !