AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

I don't know I agree with lazy and entitled, but this is a fair question to ask: if the mum worked full time/paid her own rent/had a night job too and still couldn't afford it, would things be the same or different?

I'm more inclined to think the grown woman penalising a 7 year old, Moreover her children's brother and "dear" husband's son, is a touch more spiteful....

She's already said if the mum died, godforbid, she'd find the money - so why not now?

SHE CAN AFFORD IT.

All the talk of "if we divorced" etc etc as well! I'm inclined to believe she's not Entirely committed to her marriage.... 🙄🙄
Edited to add that regardless, she's Clearly not at all committed to the poor child at any rate🤦🏼‍♀️

But it’s exactly same as her funding him. Why does OP need to ensure they all get to private school? That’s their parents job.

Breeding?

And this is a site for women, by women?

That’s enough internet for today…

OP, stand by your guns.

Parents ‘bear the burden’ of their own children, no one else needs to.

I think she was foolish to marry as she’s clearly got the most to lose by divorcing, and she’ll be milked for as much as possible by her husband and his ex.

And in this instance the OPs DH should rightfully say, as the 3 kids parents I cannot afford the fees so I will not contributing and they can attend state school.

Hopefully show him some more warmth as well? Mrs Dursley displayed more.

If she's a homeowner she can take out a long term loan against the equity in her house for her 1/2 of the school fees.
Or maybe you could formalise a loan between you and her if you were willing. Obviously an informal agreement would be unacceptable, and tbf even a formal agreement could have appalling repercussions. It would probably involve you taking out a lien against her house as security. It would certainly bring clearly into focus for her the monetary value of what she is asking for. But if she has expectations of future inheritance she might be open to this route?

Or
If your husband keeps looking to you for the money rather than her then he could make over some of his home equity or pension to you to cover this. Which sounds ( and somewhat is) moving money around within your domestic pot. But in terms of future issues between you it a least protects you as an individual and what you can provide for your children.

I think that you are rather being looked at as a cash cow in this situation and that you would be being generous to consider a loan. To ask for this as a gift would assume something more like idiocy than generosity.

Initially I wanted to respond and say that if @CherriBerri has the spare £ then wouldn’t it be a generous thing to do but given updates I think she has a point! If Dss’s mother lives with her own parents (with no bills!) and works part time and yet can’t afford her 50% (or even 40%) of the fees then how on earth would they manage the inevitable extras (uniform, books, trips, transport etc). If she is serious then she needs to get a full time job and start facilitating ways to pay for her child and show some willing herself. Also, should op divorce, then the dss would inevitably be pulled out of private. Dss’s mother needs to step up here, not the op. Sadly life is not always exactly fair, it can only be as fair as we can reasonably make. Op us being asked to contribute unreasonably imho.

Strictly speaking, it is entirely fair that your husband gives 50% the funds to all 3 and you give 50% of the funds to your 2 meaning that your children get
50% from mum and 50% from dad meaning they can go to private school and his child just gets 50% from dad meaning they can't go to private school

However assuming that the children are in each other's lives, to refuse to enable dad to fund his other child going to private school, (whether by contributing directly to their schooling or contributing more to your own children's schooling), but insist on sending your others there, you must WANT to make you step child feel unloved, unworthy and not part of the family with their siblings - that makes you a very horrible person. (Unless, of course, there are other reasons like step child never really sees his dad or you so a different dynamic makes him less part of the family anyway, or your child have SEND making mainstream school hard for them, whereas your step child does not.)

If I could afford it I’d pay half for ALL the children . If I couldn’t then none of them go to private school.

You can use the word "who" you know. It's not "whom" every single time. It really doesn't make you look posh.

Honestly the absolute nonsense spouted on this site regarding step parents.

Of course you are not responsible OP. Your step child has 2 parents. Neither of which are you. Don't listen to people on here, they hate step parents.

If I were your husband Id just say no to private school, end of. I wouldn't send 2 of my children and not the third.

I think when you become a blended family with kids so young, you have to really treat them financially as your own for things like this. It’s different when you remarry and your children are 16+ but 7 is very small still. It’s just too mercenary when they are so young. It would be sad for this little boy to miss out, his dad obviously doesn’t want him to, you have the financial capability so that he doesn’t have to. Is it fair? Depends on who you want it to be ‘fair’ for.

But he can afford half for all. It’s not OP’s fault his ex can’t pay her half. That means their child can’t. It has absolutely no bearing on the other two who have a different parent who can pay half. That’s life.

OP - DSC came out of private school after primary as was agreed in consent order, as ex had not got a job in order to contribute anything towards fees. Our joint DC are in private through school, as I can. Stand your ground. If they have an issue, they can take it up with their non- working mother.

No, 'they' have 2 children. How those children are educated is nothing to do with the ExW.

How SS is educated is nothing to do with CB. He has 2 parents to make that decision.

I agree with you.

And what if your husband leaves and has more kids -- would you be expected to be paying for those as well?

Precisely - only the mum, who's already living a lifestyle heavily subsidised by her parents and her ex and only working part time, seems to expect more based on the assumption that OP can afford it

Worse, her DH appears to want her to pay too, and sorry but in view of the above that really wouldn't fly with me

But he can't afford to send all 3. So "state for all 3" is a perfectly valid choice.

As a step mum on mumsnet you’ll be told to stay in your lane on any parenting issues, and told “his father should sort it” , unless it’s anything financial and then you’ll be expected to pay for your step son as if he is your own child. It really is this wild on mums net.

That's *exactly what he is doing, as she has said!

*well the money us being saved fir the ekdest, how it's going to be spent hasn't been specified, but it's being saved for him.

...and HE isn't giving the youngest 2 a private education either THEY are.

Semantics. She pays more so he can pay for his son. Ergo, she's paying.