AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

And this is the sort of stuff that should have been sorted BEFORE considering adding children to a blended family to determine where everyone sat, feasibilities, and whether people wanted to progress. Assuming this step was missed?

Well, as I made clear above, I disagree on an ethical basis because of the fact that she knowingly married a man with a child and took on the role of stepparent. I'm glad to see that most on this thread, if the voting results are anything to go by, agree with this stance.

SS is not OP’s child.

On MN the 'right balance' is that when a step mother can be useful, child care, finances etc she's allowed to but heaven forbid she disciplines the step child, none of her business! Her children's education should not be determined by the inadequacy of the step child's mother.

When will it stop
will the OP be expected to pay for uni fees
will she be expected to stump up a deposit for her step son

i don’t think blended family’s are a problem until you have a joint child

my son has benefited from his paternal grandparents private school , cars, deposit for house inheritance

I have 2 DSs my sons paternal grandparents and even my own late parents wouldn’t even dream of paying for them to even things up

its also why we / I didn’t have a joint child as I know that any joint child we had would not be a well off financially as my son due to his very wealthy paternal grandparents and his wealthy dad

he also inherited from my late parents as well which would have been less if I had another child

people don’t think of stuff like this when getting married and having kids and they should

He isn’t your responsibility, financial or otherwise. No, you shouldn’t be expected to cover the entire cost for both your children.

It’s unfortunate that your stepson’s mother cannot afford to pay 40%, but it is what it is. That is your fault, nor you responsibility to solve.

DH eldest son has already started school. Assuming he’s happy there and there are no concerns with the current education provision then he should take the equivalent money and put it into an ISA for his eldest.

Your talking about his DC taking food from your DC mouths though won’t be helpful.

That’s because most responders won’t have read the thread and automatically vote YABU against stepparents.

I’m glad to see OP isn’t backing down. Hopefully she won’t allow herself to be walked all over by her weak husband and his lazy ex.

I wouldn’t do it, when you sign up for private school you have to take on liability for payment and notices are usually a few terms.

I wouldn’t be taking on liability for somebody else’s child. Anything could happen and you’ll be personally liable. Fees also go up significantly each year, our uniform cost £500, school trips are £1000s. If they can’t pay the fees, who is going to be funding the rest?

It is

It is completely fair that you don’t pay for DSS’s school.

It is completely fair that exW says she can’t afford half of h the school fees.

It is not fair for DH to allow his children to have different educational opportunities. Especially as his youngest are only toddlers!

I can see 2 options:

1. DH refuses to pay any money for school fees, for any of the children. And none of the children have a private education.

2. The amount he pays into the family pot is reduced so he can pay all his son’s fees. If you want to keep this proportionate it will involve reducing household expenses eg cutting holidays, maybe moving to a smaller house in a cheaper area.

And while you are adamant that DSS is not your responsibility, he is your children’s brother. And he always will be, no matter whether you split from DH. It may be as they grow up they judge you for the way you treated him, rather than gloating at the money you saved for them. How would you feel if you saw a sibling being unfairly treated by your parent?

Ah. Everyone who disagrees with you must not have read it properly. What a refreshing opinion on this website 🙄

Well ,you married a man with a child ,and that child was there before yours .
I agree with your husband,all 3 children should attend private school ,or none
You are either a family with shared money,or you are not .
I appreciate you feeling it's unfair..but what if it was the other way round and it was your children who couldn't go ,but your step son who could ..that wouldn't be fair either .
It is not your step sons fault ,he exists or is stuck in the middle of two families
And you should not resent him for this
They all go to private school or none do ...your husband is correct..but your feelings are valid and understandable

Your husband should pay half fees for the 2 younger kids and contribute an equal amount to education for his eldest.

That might be tutoring, private secondary, savings account etc.

The reality is the kids have different maternal families so not everything will be the same.

Well, that may well be the best deal on the table.

Personally, as a couple, I would offer to pay fees but only if all 3 dc are in the same school. So that sibling discount kicks in.

If this is refused and the Year 9-13 proposal is also refused, I would then declare discussion closed. And concentrate on finding the school I like most for the youngest 2 dc.

‘The inadequacy of the step-child’s mother’ here being… being unable to afford private school fees, as is the case for 95% of parents.

Just because you ex’s new partner can afford private school fees, doesn’t mean you are ‘inadequate’ for not being able to do the same.

Well said!

Yes I've also just seen that update, and in light of it your comment seems valid

I did mention in my previous post whether the mum really "can't afford it" or would just rather not, and sadly it seems to be the latter

Her children's education should not be determined by the inadequacy of the step child's mother.

Are you joking? Inadequate for not having the funds for a private education?

WTAF

As others have mentioned, splitting resources fairly does not necessarily equate with being numerically even. Had your husband not gone on to have children either you, he could have afforded private school fees for his first child. This son has already been disadvantaged by being from a single parent (at a time) family with less time, attention, and funding from his father compared to the situation if his parents still lived together.

At the very least, your DH should contribute the same amount of funds towards each child’s education. Morally, he should contribute more to his first child who is economically and otherwise disadvantaged. All three children should roughly have the same advantages in life.

There are a variety of ways to equalise the situation e.g. DH invests his first son’s share of fees for the next 3-4 years so he can afford to send him and pay the majority of fees for secondary level education. Or you could agree to pay 25% of the shortfall of these fees and the balance found elsewhere such as this son only attending from year 7, or having less holidays for some years, his DM saving in the intervening years to contribute, his DM applying for a bursary, etc. There is a discussion to be had, with the shared goal of giving each child the best opportunity.

The ideal situation would be for your DH to aim for a better paid job, or promotion, perhaps get a second job or similar, so to be able to afford to give all his children the same opportunities.

I can’t blame the DM for expecting your DH to figure out how to provide all his children with the same financial advantages, especially since he could have afforded all of these prior to having his second family.

My DC went to state schools whereas their half sister (my ex's second family) went to a super posh private school.
My DC have always been aware of where they are in the pecking order.
You may feel it's unfair, OP, to contribute to your step child's education. But it'd be even more unfair on the child to miss out on something that his half-siblings receive by right.

It’s fine as long as people don’t force the narrative that they’re the same as a nuclear family. Nobody expects a child to love a stepparent like they love their parent, it’s ridiculous to expect it the other way round too.

Yanbu, it is quite right for DH to treat his 3 children equally. His elder son's mother should apply for bursaries noting that his dad will pay 50% and asking for help with the other half. He'll probably get a 40% bursary at the right school if she does her research and finds a good fit. They will expect her to pay something unless she's literally on the breadline.

It was an obvious error. Though, your petty, yet bold, attempt to correct me has gone awry… you’ve made a similar mistake.

The mum is never going to get a bursary working parttime and living with her parents. They’d expect her to contribute.