AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

SS’s mum doesn’t want that.

Thank God my dh views my dd as his own. He could never treat her this way and I'd divorce him in a heartbeat if he tried

Even if I was married, my partners children arent mine. Legally I have no say over them.

Now there are two more children, that the father alone, must consider equally.

No... not the father alone. The Father with his new spouse who together decided to have 2 subsequent children (very soon into a relationship by the sounds of it) must consider these children equally. One child doesn't need to be disadvantaged because Player 3 entered the ring.

To make it fair none of them should go. The fact is you can’t afford for all three to go. So they don’t go.

Private schools should be banished though. Awful.

Hear, hear. There is a very simple solution to this!

He’s not disadvantaged by OP. His parents didn’t choose private school for him because they couldn’t afford it. That’s still the case.

What are you talking about? He provides?

Why do you people never say, he shouldn’t have had children with someone who can afford a lifestyle for her children, that the first mother could not for her children? Or, why didn’t he have all his children by the same woman, for all to be raised in the same home?

I never complained about the child or his daily expenses and needs. It’s just not my role to fund his future, the same way I’m told it’s not my role to plan and make decisions for his same future.

i have no right to decide what happens with my partners kids. That’s for him and his ex wife.

I don’t think anyone would be expecting you pay towards your nieces/nephews schooling. Weak comparison.

This. The op is forgetting in all her transactional musings, that her dh has agency too, and his son being treated like this, could well be a deal breaker for him.

I have offered to pay 10%, as gesture, so the mother would pay 40% instead of 50%, but she still can’t afford it. She’s been asked to consider a later intake, where it would arguably be more beneficial for him, but she refuses and wants him to start now

She seems to expect a lot for someone who says she can't afford to pay for it, and with your DH also expecting you to cough up I'd worry about being taken for a mug here

I'd also wonder if the mum really can't afford it, or would just rather not, knowing you have the funds

Overall I agree that marrying someone with kids means sharing with them too, but the proposals sound a little too one sided for my taste

Not read the full thread so my apologies if im repeating, but would an option be that the father saves the 50% over primary school time and then the SS attends only secondary private using the savings plus the usual 50% he was offering?
Other than that I think you have to agree that you are a blended family and should see the whole family as one therefore all benefit from same upbringing. Potentially with the mother paying for the extras like school clothing, holidays ect.

The mum works part-time and has a lovely lifestyle subsidised by her parents and her ex. Why would she want to cough up if she can guilt OP into it?

It isn't charity to provide for your children. It's the right thing to do.

Fighting tooth & nail for the OP to pay for your childs education?

I would say to him he should have thought about all this before marrying you, but he’s not the one posting is he.

The bit I think you’re unreasonable on is that you should have hammered all this out before you even met his kid.

If you can all comfortably afford it then pay for all three.
This reminds me of the Cinderella story.
The husbands other son is Cinderella in this story

If for any reason his mother was incapable of maintaining parental responsibility, I would adopt him and assume said responsibility. But that isn’t the case today.

But it’s not her child.

He is disadvantaged if the SM insists on private education.

IMO, Father shouldn't contribute to anyone's private schooling and should bin the SM now before she really plays havoc on this poor child... who presumably was a toddler when she waltzed in to his life with her high and mighty views.

The constant referring to "his child"... "biological" etc must be echoing through this poor 7yr olds head non stop. She even divides the grocery bills so DH pays more because the SS might have a few chips and beans while he's there.

If my husband treated our children unfavourably compared to his child from a previous marriage, to the tune of 100k+, I’d consider it a dealbreaker too. I’d also consider him to be weak-willed if he can’t stand up to his ex.