AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

What will be the 'now' impact on your children, from him 'taking from them'? If paying for him means your shared children can't have something they really need now, then I'm with you. If it's a very vague 'he is taking from my toddler age children's house deposit for when they are 25' then not so much. Your children will have had every advantage and if you don't think they can do well and afford a reasonable lifestyle off their own merit and achievements, without being bankrolled into adulthood by their parents, then the private education money clearly isn't a great investment

Exactly.

Yes, I had already mentioned that it was never planned for the son to go to private school. They were only together for a year, and were not wealthy at all.

Regardless of what she thought, expectations of undivided commitment of his income ends when they separated, and lived as two separate households. Now there are two more children, that the father alone, must consider equally.

These conversations should have happened well before you had children and added to an already existing family. Your attitude is shocking. He is your husbands son and sibling to your own children, and deserves the same opportunity. Either all go or none.
Considering this is clearly very important to you I suspect this is a wind up as any sensible adults would have discussed this thought before having extra children, especially more than one…

That's NOT treating them the same. That's financially equal. 2 siblings in private and one in state is not equal.

What’s your husband actually proposing?

How @CherriBerri and her husband choose to educate their children is nothing to do with her. She's been offered the same contribution. If she can't make it work, that's on her.

Because they don’t have the same family.

When OP’s kids get an inheritance, is she supposed to give 1/3 to SS too?

there are a few things here which you could look at to offset the price.

Firstly, as many have pointed out, private for primary is not that important, so you could save a whole heap of money on those early years and look at a year 7 intake. I would also say that A levels are far more important than primary, so would go heavier at that end of the education than the early years. If you are an engaged parent, so long as your kids can read and write and do maths at the end of year 6, thats all good.

Secondly many schools offer a sibling discount, so that may be another way that the older child's mums share could be negotiated down. She could try to apply for a bursary, as she would be in a better position to, especially if the father is paying 50% for 3 - the bursars want to see that both parents are putting their hands in their pockets.

Does the school offer scholarship routes? These are often awartded for the entirety of education for a year 7 and a year 9 intake - if the eldest has a vocation in any of the areas offered, now would be a good time to concentrate on really focusing on that - send all at year 7 and invest in extra curricular for any subject that they are showing a great aptitude for.

Those 3 things should hopefully enable all 3 to attend.

His son is 17 so likely finished school years ahead of your younger kids. As soon as his son finishes school he will stop paying for his fees and he can then pay full fees for both children to make up for the years where you paid more. That way no child gets left behind.

Another option is your DH paying the exact same as he is paying toward his other (your shared) kids into a LISA for his child. So that they get a different advantage than your kids. Arguably a better advantage.

OP has reduced her family to assets and liabilities. I totally agree, equity goes beyond money in families.

If The mum can’t afford then she can’t. Surely you wouldn’t let your step son miss out on this and give it to your own children only? So you either step up and pay the extra half for one of the kids and they all get the opportunity or none of them do. I hope you’re not cruel enough to exclude him from something the rest of the family unit has. Do you know how much damage that would cause the poor boy?

It sounds like the parents of 7 yo cannot afford for him to go to private school. Most parents can't. Your DH could use the money he would pay towards half of the fees towards extracurriculars, tutoring or other educational experiences.

Hang on, are you the higher earners yet your husband pays 60% of everything? Thats pretty fucked up if thats the case.

What if one kid shows commitment and promise in an expensive hobby? Should the other two get extra cash to compensate?

Fair isn’t always equal.

Well, it is something to do with her, because one of "their children" is actually her child too.

Why? Marrying someone doesn’t mean adopting their children. The parents are the ones who remain legally, morally and financially responsible, not stepparents.

She works part time. That does change things a bit.

Given that, no, I wouldn't be paying anything towards her son's private school fees.

She could go full time and pay her share of the fees if she really wanted this. But she wants the private education because you're planning it for your kids and she wants to keep a part time lifestyle while you pay for hers.

Nieces and nephews have nothing to do with it. They're not your children.
You married your husband, who has a child, so he is now your child also.
It's cruel to have 2 out of 3 in private school.

No, one of his children is hers.

OP’s children are nothing to do with her.

That only holds water if you don't consider a person's stepchildren to be their children.

You can go on about fairness and no responsibility etc as much as you like, and at the end of the day, you can just pay for your two.

but, if I was your husband and you did that, I would divorce you over this as I wouldn’t want my eldest growing up thinking they deserved less than my youngest two. They don’t understand about money, they just wonder why their siblings get something they don’t.

Like… The law?

Apologies if this has already been suggested, but what about saving the 50% of fees for your DSS. Then your DH uses that savings pot to pay full fees for Year 9-13?

This way, your DSS stays in his current school where he is happy. He then gets the benefits of private school for the pivotal GCSE and A levels.