AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

I’d think less of a man who treated his children differently too. As does OP. Because he wants to prioritise his eldest.

Probably just until it became clear her son's step siblings were going and it would be massively unfair if he didn't. All 3 are still OPs DH's children. She's hardly begging on the street or setting up a go fund me.

Not everyone can afford private education though.

Thats what’s created the problem.

And it’s not fair to be antagonistic to either of these parents for not being able
yo afford it - most people can’t!

Oh don't be a twat.

Why would the mother decide how the fathers money is best spent? 😂

If I were your husband, I would pay half the school fees for your 2 kids and put an equal amount in savings for his child to use for either uni or house deposit

How is it prioritising his eldest, to want all three to have the same educational opportunities?

Surely this is treating them all equally?

She is aware of this.

She doesn’t want them to go to the same school, because of the perception of them going home to two different parents and she would prefer somewhere more local to her, which I understand the latter.

I don't think I said that, did I?

Agree, there's a new episode of "happy blended families" every day on here.

Or the father and mother of each child can decide together. If THEY can afford private school, they can discuss it. It’s not up to OP to pony up whilst SS’s mum lounges around.

I think I’d actually get divorced over this OP. Not to mention, the costs of three at sixth form age will be astronomical and he probably won’t be able to afford a shade of it.

Yes, but you chose to have a blended family. This little boy isn't an outsider. He's your children's brother.

I cannot understand how you can willfully see a child who is a sibling to your own children and the child of the man you love be disadvantaged when you could do something about it. What if his mum (touch wood) passed away? Would you pay then? Or would you make him live under the stairs? I would not like someone like you being in my child's life. I rarely comment on posts but my own son is 7 ( me and dad are together) and I can imagine this poor little child feeling like a second class citizen to his own siblings. So sad. You do not have any legal obligations to him but surely you have a heart?

Agreed, but it's his relationships with his siblings and father that's at issue here, not necessarily his education itself.

It doesn't. It does mean you have to navigate very, very carefully a family that ensures all children are treated equally though.

When I was at school there were loads of step and half siblings going home to various homes on different nights.

Very normal - my family included!

What’s the perception she’s worried about? That their parents are divorced. It’s 2026 - parents being separated is very very normal.

I’m sorry but this kid is 7 and YOU took him on along with your husband.

To say that you could afford to send all three to private school between you but you won’t because you’ll be spending more than you would if just your and your husband’s children went is heartbreaking for that poor kid who is 7 years old and just wants to feel an equal part of his new family.

Shame on you.

OP has no issue with him treating them the same by putting the same funds towards their education. That’s what she wants!

I am really baffled by some of the logic here. SC and OP’s children are not the same - they have different mothers. It’s naive to expect their lives can be made exactly the same. Two live full time with their father, one does not. If SC’s maternal grandparents offered to pay for private school for SC, would he be unable to go if OP’s children couldn’t go? If SC gets a huge inheritance, does he have to turn it down because OP’s children don’t get one? Of course not.

The important thing is that DH treats them all the same. So he provides the same amount of money for each child. If DM cannot match that - well there’s the consequence of having a different mother. It’s not for OP to make up that difference or to see one of her children deprived of their father’s support. From OP’s children’s point of view, their father would be prioritising the SC over them.

Families often have to make tough decisions - fairness is not always equality. I know families where one child went to private school and another didn't- for very good reasons. Another child may have an expensive hobby, another may come along when parents are more financially stable so get a wealthier childhood, it all needs a clear, honest approach without blame.

Why do they need to go to a private school?

Would you spend over 100k on someone else’s kid, whilst their mother worked part-time?

How does she even know that you are considering private schools for your two DC? Surely it's not even a conversation to be having with her.

Stand your ground OP, if you can afford it then send your kids to private school.

Sounds like the dss mother wants it all her way with zero comprise or effort on her part.

Also it doesn’t stop with just the fee’s it’s the uniform, the trips, the often extra sporting and musical expenses.

YANBU, although you won’t get a balanced response on here. Most posters will be mum’s who imagine their child in your step son’s situation.

Please learn when and where to use who/wohm correctly.