AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

But you knowingly had children with a man who already had a child, and he cannot provide for your children in the way that you want him to because he already had a child.

You chose this situation, chose a man with pre-existing responsibilities and a certain income. This child is your husband's child, your stepchild and a sibling of your children. Splitting his money equally between his 3 children doesn't necessarily make that fair - the question is whether the outcome is fair. And in this case it isn't.

To clarify if you didn't understand, the vast majority doesn't think a woman should have to look after her stepkid if the dad can't with a small percentage thinking it is their responsibility. Then this thread is the complete opposite.
In no way was I indicating that the same people were answering, it just shows how much people 'jump on the bandwagon' and will just argue anything they can.

So @CherriBerri will, in effect, pay for him to go as she will fund both the shared children fully and her DH will fund his child. Whish isn't going to cause any resentment at all, is it?

What would happen if DH then turned around and said he wouldn't be paying for private education for any of the children and they'd have to go to state school?

Yes they do, because their parents can afford it. SS’s parents can’t.

If she loved the child and could afford it, this thread wouldn't even exist

OP isn’t countenancing other views.

If I was Dad, it would be all or none.

If I was step-Mum, I would understand that and make some extra commitment to cover it, or accept state school for all.

Thats what a blended family is, it’s a family. You actively chose to create one. You treat children the same and you don’t give two of them the big leg up and not the third.

Of course she can comment! It affects her son directly.

Since when does becoming a step mother mean you have to pay for private education?

It sounds like SS going to private school was never an option until his mum thought someone else would pay for it.

Thats unfair, I pay fully for mine and didn’t have children that I cannot afford.

No. But you had two children with someone who can’t afford three?

It seems to me you have a problem with the Mum. Do you insist other things for your two you know the Mum can’t afford?

SS’s parent is paying for two of his children to go though… hence the problem.

This is a situation where equal does not mean fair. There are 3 kids involved, there is a way they can all be treated fairly, but that does not mean being treated equally.

I didn't see that thread. Sometimes threads go one way, sometimes another. All depends on who's posting. That's just the way of discussion threads.

Best option. That's what I would do as her DH.

His education is no better or worse than if his dad didn’t remarry.

He's 7 and in state school. If his dad could afford to, or wanted, to send him to private school, he’d be there already.

She has a fine life, they’re comfortable and travel, just the two of them, often. She works part time and receives supplemental income from CMS. Ordinarily this would be benign.

However, she lives with her parents whom pay rent/bills, and the son has lots of after school EC, so she has the facilities to work harder to create the means to pay, if she wants him to go private.

I truthfully don’t think it’s my job to pay, and she doesn’t have the right to complain that it’s unfair on her son that I won’t contribute. It’s unfair that she doesn’t work harder, and expects me to take from my kids to pay for hers, despite what we already do.

OP has made her mind up
is looking for validation / echo chamber -
shes not into equity across the 3 siblings ..
im sure there will be many issues to emerge in the coming years re disparity within this ‘blended’ family -

When I married DH I accepted his DCs as mine, and vice-versa. They’ve always been treated equally and if I wasn’t prepared to do that i wouldn’t have married him. We are a family.

But you obviously feel differently and nobody can force you to pay DSS’s school fees. The fairest thing is for your DH to work out what he can afford to pay each year, and split it 3 ways. He should give you 2/3 for your DCs fees, and you pay the rest. The other 1/3 should be put away for his eldest to save for a house deposit etc. He will need a helping hand as he’ll already be at a disadvantage and will have grown up feeling worthless compared to his siblings.

Well said. I would definitely think less of a man who treated his children differently.

They can all go to state primary schools and private secondary schools, give you a bit more time to save.

A child who has two living breathing parents that should be able to cater to his needs.

Your transactional manner is horrible. You are not thinking about how this affects the emotions of your dss at all. You two created this mangled family situation, not him. You CHOSE to marry someone with a child, therefore you have the responsibility of treating that child with kindness.

I feel like it's strange you call them 'my children and his child'. With the thread title I expected them to be your children from a previous relationship. Rather than 'our children' and 'my stepson'.

If his ex isn't paying, then she doesn't get to insist he goes now. What is the proportion of time your stepson is with you vs his mum? Is he doing well at his current primary, or struggling?

Are schools where you are particularly bad? Just trying to understand the need for private school so young. Those first years can be much better spent in state, giving then a broader base. Children I know who did state primary and then private secondary seem to be much more rounded and resilient. The ones who came from private primary into my daughters grammar struggle much more than those coming from state, because they were coached within an inch of their lives to get in, rather than having natural ability. Maybe sell it to his ex like this, that it's a positive step rather than a negative one.

Well said. ⭐️